I want to know why I dissociate so much, (not in the personality way, in the depersonalization way and my other various ways) I want to know why I have these feelings, but every time I get even remotely close I'm too scared and in my mind run away.

I want my "alters" to talk, though I don't want then to talk to me. Which, is a problem because they are co-conscious and have to talk through me to begin with. Last time we were communicating it seemed control was lost and everyone walked away hurt. They forgive me, and want to start talking again but I can't forgive myself. I don't want to hurt them again, and I don't want to be hurt again by them as well. So I try not to talk. I know, it's not a good thing.

I just wish there was an easier way, but it looks like there isn't.

...Unless of course, these things are all just being made up by me to begin with...but that still leaves me very sad and in a way lonely that these aren't real if this is true.

[Jewels]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kaika))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

is so hard sometimes ta forgive ourselves for things we done...but iffn ur alters have forgiven u, maybe its time u forgive urself too...i donno but it sounds like they r ready ta talk again...an u dont need ta talk outloud...do u ever journal ur feelins...an let them journal/paint/draw theirs? we find that it is invaluable because then u got somethin u can work with an words r just words an while they may seem hurtful maybe they is just so ta u cuz u read too much inta the words when they din really mean that ta begin with...i know its so hard ta get along...an really we dont get along all that well either...but once u get started talkin even if it hurts maybe it hurts cuzza the memories it brings up...an then u can explore those hurts an memories with ur T...u can leave crayons an drawin paper an journals layin around an they can help u know them better by what they do best...i hope this helps cuz it helps us ta know we can do what we need to in order ta help our T know us better...an hope that u can glean somethin outa what i said here...

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( kaika ))))))))))))))


Fuzzy

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Kaika

...Unless of course, these things are all just being made up by me to begin with...but that still leaves me very sad and in a way lonely that these aren't real if this is true.

They are no more and no less than you experience them.

It's true that you experience them, you experience this, I think that is real enough. Who can tell you otherwise? They're not in your head. You are, and you experience it. Trust in it for now and explore it.

They forgive me, and want to start talking again but I can't forgive myself. I don't want to hurt them again, and I don't want to be hurt again by them as well. So I try not to talk. I know, it's not a good thing.

Also, for what it's worth... to learn you have to make mistakes. I forget which math genius guy discover some new therum during a test - which he failed. It's ok to make a mistake, to fail, as long as you keep trying to help eachother, and to help you understand all of you. Take it at your own pace *hugs*

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

They are no more and no less than you experience them.

It's true that you experience them, you experience this, I think that is real enough. Who can tell you otherwise? They're not in your head. You are, and you experience it. Trust in it for now and explore it.


Also, for what it's worth... to learn you have to make mistakes. I forget which math genius guy discover some new therum during a test - which he failed. It's ok to make a mistake, to fail, as long as you keep trying to help eachother, and to help you understand all of you. Take it at your own pace *hugs*

[Miracle1986]

sowwyursadkaikalady

thank you

[multipixie9]

It took me a long time to grasp that I had lots of different agendas in my systems of alters. I had alters who had jobs that conflicted with each other's jobs. I had things I had to hide from the world and from myself. As a kid I had to shift, change, cope, dodge, hide, act, pretend and a bunch of other things at a moment's notice and because my life depended on it I got pretty good at it. Too good for my own future.

The older I got the less well all my tricks and shifts and acts worked and my stress got more and more and my health failed more and more and finally I couldn't hold my own life together.

So, i finally get a T who knows what is going on with me and we spend the next 14 years trying to undo, change, heal, un-learn, re-learn and much of what we need now is a threat to things as they were. It is so hard to do things different because what saved me as a kid failed me as an adult.

But, the more and more I can accept all the different parts of myself and help them get what they need the better we all are getting along and the better and more peaceful it gets. It's a long road and I have to keep doing what I have to do until we can get there. The only way out is through the middle.

leslie and pixies

[Jewels]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((kaika)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))