Need help with T

So I don't believe I am so split anymore. I am co-conscience pretty much all the time, things get fuzzy but not completely lost. Others can have control, but it is not total. If that makes any sense. So i have wanted this T to not know about my dissociation, but it has been coming out more thru my writings and journalings. I don't know how to deal with it, and I am afraid she won't believe it all. I also feel others becoming more present in therapy as they are feeling safer and I worry as last session things got fuzzy for me and I felt others taking more control. I am afraid I will do or say something I shouldn't. I am afraid she won't like me anymore. Or thinkI am lying or crazy. I also told her my memories are false and she believes that is true but there are those inside that disagree with that. HELP!!!!!

Piper, you are being brave to be in therapy. I think you know that trying to keep big secrets from T will only prolong your healing time. Of course, it takes time to build trust and if that is the true issue, then take the time you need. I think most Ts accept dissociation. Is it abandonment in general that you fear? Many, many of us here are very sensitive to abandonment because we were either told or made to believe we weren't worthy of being care for. We were hurt instead. If that is true for you, could you start by talking about acceptance and fears around that in a general way? You may find the reassurance you seek and thus the safety to show more of yourself to her.
I wish you to find safety and trust so that you can move forward. if safe

Thanks Miri, maybe it is an abandonment issue. I am not sure, just very afraid. Thanks for your help and insight into this. I will look at the aboandonment feeling. I have been seeing this T for about 9 months so I should have trust now I think.

Hi,

Often my T points out to me that she is not inside my head and doesn't know everything that is going on. She points out that it is good when we share what we are thinking no matter what it is. I was thinking about you mentioning that you told her the memories are false but that not everyone inside believes this. My T can accept and hold safely that there are part(s) of me that think ALL the memories are false, some that think just SOME are true and others that think even the craziest ones are DEFINITELY true. My T does not mind in the least that we feel all these different ways. She actually has interesting and good stuff to say no matter where we are with the opinion on memories. It changes often . To the smallest ones who think that the scariest most outlandish memories are true my T has suggested that maybe the grown-ups tricked them. She has never scoffed or said that it didn't happen. That sometimes when we are young we believe what the adults say. She is always supportive of my position about memories. And she believes us when we tell her we KNOW a certain memory is probably true. She and I work through my feelings about memories, as well as the memories themselves.

I hope this makes some sense and is helpful.