[Kendyll]

Hello.
There's some sex stuff toward the end here...Nothing graphic, but I don't know about anyone's sensitivities.

There's no way I could explain this to anyone who doesn't understand...As some of you might remember, my BF Jon has DID with about a half-dozen alters. The way I put it, I love him "singly and in aggregate" - every one is part of the man I love and they are each their own persons, worthy of love and acceptance. I might as well list them in case anyone needs to know who I'm talking about. Maybe I need to keep track of who I'm talking about...They're great guys, but I can get confused sometimes.

Jonathan: Older (He says he's about 50). He's the Protector. He gets more "face time" than just about anyone else. We bicker a lot, but overall we understand that we're both looking out for Jon and we're both on the same team. He has a hard time trusting me and I understand that. Beyond that, we get along really well.

Jonny: Younger - maybe early teens. I haven't really seen him in a while. In some ways, I think that Travis has taken over some of his responsibilities.

Travis: About nine. A sweet but very frightened kid. he remember more about their abusive step-father than I think anyone else does. He claims responsibility for both of Jon's alcoholic relapses, saying he didn't know that drinking was such a bad thing. He doesn't trust any "outside" grown-ups but he does trust the Guys enough to talk to me once in a while - if they all say I'm OK, then I might not be all bad.

J.T.: I have no idea how old he is - maybe 20?. He's the most "reasonable" of them. Often, when we've been fighting over something, he's the one who comes out to hear my side of the story. Then he talks with the guys so we can work through it.

The Core/Jon-Inside: I can't tell if these are the same person or not. He/they know about the other guys, but most of the other guys aren't really aware of them. He/they have a bond with J.T. - like he's their ambassador, their public face. The Core "makes it all work".

There's at least one other who's NOT part of the team. He's gone by many different names, but it's always the same guy. Last week, his said name was Sammy. Travis calls him the Devil. I don't know about that, but I know he's got the potential to be...dangerous...to both Jon and myself. Whenever he comes around, the Guys band together to drive him away, send him back down. I'd be interested in seeing what he has to say, what part he has.


ANYway...Jon and Jonathan and I have talked on and off about "Date Night" so Jonathan could get out and have some "grown-up" fun. I've agreed (as long as Jon and Jonathan and everyone else agree it's OK). We've talked about different places we could go and different things we could do.
That isn't how it worked out...
The other night, we were making love. Jon was resting - then Jonathan came out! I wasn't sure what to do, so I asked he and Jon if this was OK with them. Apparently so...Very strange. It really WAS like being with another man. Even the way he kissed was different...As we were wrapping things up before going to sleep, he started crying, so happy, he'd never been loved by anyone before, never kissed anyone (or at least not anyone who knew it was him) before.

Now Jonathan wants to spend more time "out" with me. Not neccessarily the sex thing - just spending time talking and stuff. However, it seems that when he comes out to visit, everyone else has to come out to visit, too. That can be really tough on Jon and it can be really confusing for me, too. To add something else to the mix, everyone's a little on edge because of therapy. Jon's working really hard with his T. The guys are just a little afraid that therapy means they will just disappear. Jonathan is REALLY upset about that possibility now.

I didn't really like being put on the spot like that, either. I have enough issues with having been people's "sex toy". I'm not mad at anyone, but it just wasn't the way I thought it should go. I'm just not that good at saying "no" - especially to someone I love.

all mixed up...

[turquoisesea]

I think you should be honest with Jon/all the Jons. It's ok to say no to someone you love. It's ok to talk about it and come up with an agreement that you all will be ok with

[multipixie9]

Wow, Kendyll,

That kind of situation would be very hard for me to handle. It is a rare look (for me) at the side of the partner of someone with DID. No wonder my spouse has trouble with me being split - not that we EVER can openly share who we are with him (he's got limits in acceptance).

Do you have a T? I forget. Sounds like you need someone to help you think and bounce ideas and stuff around and someone to help you. I too would have huge problems being "used" in any way for several people's sexual gratifiication. It is a tough situation to work in, imho!!!

You must take care of yourself as well as any of them. You can't just completely "give yourself away" to them if it is violating you in some way.

Be kind to yourself

Leslie/Pixies

[Kendyll]

I do have a T. Actually, Jon and I are seeing the same T - both individually and as a couple. She's really great for both of us. She's very ethical - doesn't share ANYTHING about the others' individual sessions and we both really like that. But it is nice that she sees us both because she gets both sides of the story, a more dimensional picture of each of us. She's REALLY really good.

She's talked before that I might need some additional assistance dealing with something she called "transference". Not sure what that's about...but I get to see her tomorrow.

It sure can be confusing sometimes. I consider myself lucky - with my own disorders, I understand a little about serious conditions like this. I'm trying to learn as much as I can. I wish I understood more.

I haven't been able to talk about the other night with him yet. Maybe I can try that tonight. I don't think Jonathan even knows about the sex abuse stuff I've been dealing with. Jon does, but they're all only semi-co-conscious.
Does anyone have any suggestions how I should handle this? Or any suggestions about how you would like your partner to deal with something like this?

For some good news, we're about to buy a house!

[Eriksplus]

Kendyll-
First of all let me say that your BF and the others are very lucky to have you--someone who and accepts their condition. None of the outsiders we know accept our condition, think we are "fantacy", and wish for us to go away-even our T dosen't get it! Thank you for being so understanding!
When Jon came out and reacted the way he did after making love to you, I will admitt I reacted the same way after I made love to my wife, just before my death.
We have never told anyone else (not even our wives!)but some of us Eriks, inluding myself and (Webber) Erik have wanted to make love to The Host's mother, which we are very ashamed of.
We too are afraid of being forced to "go away" and have no intention of doing so. Our T is a joke, and we are on the waiting list for a new one.
If you ever wish to talk, please PM us, or seek us out in chat.
Thank you for reading our reply!
(Kay)Erik

[Kendyll]

Thank you for replying!
I feel so sad for everyone dealing with a partner who can't/won't/doesn't accept their systems.

I don't want his therapy to make everyone go away. That's all up to them and our T...All I want is for him to be well and happy. I don't think that "well" HAS to mean that the system dissolves. If they all decide to continue working together, that's fine with me. I'd like to see them working together more (better communication, more cooperation) because I see that the fragmentation and separateness contribute to a lot of the problems Jon has had.

It also creates a lot of confusion - not just to me on the outside, but to all of him on the inside. I've gotten calls from Jonathan before:
"OK, where the $%#& am I? What's going on? What happened?".
I'm at work; I don't know. Where are you?
"I just got here! It looks like I'm in some alley somewhere."
Some alley somewhere...does ANYTHING look familiar?
Travis:
"I'm scared. I wanna go home!"
Jonathan:
"Hey, kid. We'll get you there. I just gotta figure out where the $^%@ we are. Kendyll? You still there?"
Still here. What can I do to help?

And there isn't anything I can do...It scares me sometimes.
I love him. I love them. I love him all.
Thanks for listening.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( Kendyll ))))))))))))))))