[Crew]

******Possible Trigger*****
Please Do NOT Read if your upset!

My name is JM and my new job is a Healing Helper for ThaCrew. I have felt like I have a weight on my chest. I had NO Support even from the doctor I see. He said, "if you want to be comforted and cared about go see a social worker". Isn't that terrible or is it just me. Were alone in this world, yes we live with a family but they aren't our family...been looking for real family all my life. There isn't anybody else that we can see. Social workers that know were DID think it's all neat or the art teacher said, "Oh, I know what DID is, I looked it up in the dictionary." There for they know who I am. I am thank full to this site because ppl read this and now you know I'm JM. To know we went through so much and then every single day I am reminded that we have NO outside friends, since new to UPstate NY from Oklahoma.
WE DON'T Fit in and I do mean everywhere... The only reason we know we do here I just feel ppl are trying to be nice which is nice.
When we do the chats esp. grounding and DD chat all the treatment centers we went to and ppl we met, you learn but it's been years since. We tried to get into a local pysch place but because we were in a wheelchair they couldn't help us! We don't matter...Am I depressed NO
I am not. We are awlful ppl but I can tell you our system cares and if you ever want to know who you are talking to ask....if they don't want to tell or being shy like our kids they will say Crew but ppl (alter) want to be seen and heard. I don't see myself as an "alter" I am a person just like Cassey is were not alter's but when explaining it helps outside ppl understand a little bit.
Then...our old T wanted a relationship just with the guys stating she wasn't a lesbian. I was like 9 then. It caused all kinds of problems and even though all the ethical things happened ethically..she wouldn't have anything to do with kids and girls. Then she had us sell all our stuff and now she doesn't want a realtionship, so now I had to sign a paper stating she was my landlord. I heard someone say I thought you invited me into your family. well family is a trigger word, so of course were NOT going to accept it like normal ppl. So now we have no one. I don't know if some of the girls like men and we don't know but the trust thing is going to be hard to trust anyone.
Then we can't get our the car is goner and were in pain but we like to go, go , go despite the pain because of everything that happened to us, everything wrong with our head, neck spine and it's because of extreme abuse that were in a wheelchair and no the abuser got away free. It's not cheap to be poor in a whelchair where everything breaks.
Then I read or hear how many alters they have and its 20 and 2 and 14 we have presently 163 personalities that they repeated the "sodium amatrol" truth serum, they can count the personalities. I won't put down how many there were of us when we were first dx! It is scary to Post!
Thanks for your time and maybe you'll hear more from me.
I just want to take the body someplace where were loved...Thanks for reading and maybe someday I can talk about the loss of our children.
Thanks for yoru time JM Crew from ThaCrew

Confused and extremely afraid...and ALONE, it's different inside

[multipixie9]

Dear JM,

I'm glad you unloaded. You have so much to cope with and it is so very hard. I am sorry that life is so painful right now and you just want to have some fun and some life.

By the way, i think your doc. behaved like an A**H****!!!!!! we are more than our body. a doc needs to look at all of us, not just our mechanics. what a moron!!!!!!!!!!! I've met one's about like him and I felt so angry and hurt by their rotten attitudes toward me.

We lived in Norman, OK for 8 years and we are a texas gal by birth and YES it would be so strange to move to upstate new york from OK. weird. It's so different up there and people are not as open and friendly in public as they are down in the south. I'm sorry you are not in a better place.

my group uses the word alt to describe different ones of us, but we are all people. we all matter. we just do different stuff and some are not as developed as others and some are more about their job than being a person. we lost count on the numbers of ones inside here. some of our abusers did things to constantly split us off more and more. but we will still get help for us all and somehow we will get healed and helped. but having lots of us and lots of different kinds of systems it gets complicated. i am sure you know about that!

i didn't understand all about the T you spoke of but she sounded like she was not doing her job legally and morally. maybe i don't understand but she should treat all of you inside the crew, not just the guys.

i'm sorry about your car being busted and having a chair that breaks down. that really sucks big time. i have chronic pain problems and some body problems that came from the stress of abuse, but not like having to use a wheelchair and i am sorry you have that limit on mobility. i just need two new knees and i've used the chairs in stores when pain was bad and that is like a 30 minute visit to what you have to do all the time. i hate how people don't look at you - they stare at you. it's creepy.

its good you wrote and spoke up JM. i am glad to meet you. i can't promise i will always understand things, but i will do my best to be a listener and be respectful. i usually can't talk about sexual stuff very well, that got so messed up by the coven and i am actually married but this is an area that is still a wreck inside of me. i hate sex. which is kinda strange when you are married. you can tell me stuff though and i will listen, no matter if i get it or not and ill just tell you if i am triggered and can't talk ok??

sorry this got long, but i felt you needed to hear from us and be really heard. keep posting. you did a good job and you do belong here. plus there is a teen garden that is getting along, it's new. some of mine go there a little and are coming along more. leah is my outspoken teen. my little cynic. she was listening in as i wrote you and she likes you too.

i gotto go my fingers are falling off. see ya,

leslie and leah

[4Grace]

Hi JM
and all who reside within.

I am 4Grace. Hi Darlins.
Reading what you have written JM, makes me ache inside for you and the rest honey.
I think what bothers me the most is that instead of someone thinking it's 'Neat', dear God they need to realize that you didn't get that way by 'choice'
and that, that 'Neat-ness' is all because of such intense pain.
I hear it in your words darlin.

JM, I will be asking our LORD GOD, to give you the strength you will need for your 'New' position.

So if you would like to PM me, I will be here for a little while longer sweetheart.

I'll always be...
4everHIS
4Grace

[Eriksplus]

Dear JM,
We are very glad you posted this, because we are the same way! Everyone we've told about us thinks we're "a fantacy world", and "We need to go away" exept for the people on this site! It drives us CRAZY!!!
With your promition, we (especially Yeston Erik) would like to start having a PM conversation with you, so we can vent to you and vice versa...
again, thank you very much for posting this.
(Kay)Erik