Gabriella

OK... I really need some help figuring this out.

Last night while I was in chat with Eriksplus, I had a new 6 year-old alter show up and she was all smiles and she was singing and then, all of the sudden... she stopped singing and froze dead in her tracks. And then she collapsed in a heap on the ground and starting crying uncontrollably. Poor thing! I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I tried talking to her. She just continued crying. Manda Lynn even tried to share her pooh bear with the poor girl to make her happy again! Nothing. Then Eriks asked if he could try talking to her. I told him it couldn't hurt. He said, "Hello" and almost immediately the young girl started telling him she was 6 years old and from the time she was 3 she had been kept in a "bad scary place with bad men" who did things to her and such. The child had been brainwashed by these evil men so much so that she didn't even know her own name! So Eriksplus named her Gabriella.

All this has me so very confused. I was/am under the impression that alters came about because of something a person has experienced in their life previously. And well, I was never held captive by mean scary men!!! I actually had a pretty "normal" childhood.

Poor little Gabriella, robbed of your innocence at such a young age.
Why are you here with me?

Manda,
We have experienced things The Host has never experienced as well.
let me tell you thet those men, whoever they are, piss the lot of us off and should be punished!
I hope you all can comfort the poor child, and if I can be of anymore assistance, please, let me know!
(Webber)Erik

(((( Manda86 ))))

I'm so sorry things are so confusing right now. It's a tough place to be.

Have you done any in-depth reading or research on the subject of dissociation?

I am not familiar with the way you are experiencing dissociation so I don't think I can be of any help. Maybe if you do some reading, it will help you to understand the basics of the disorder and then you might be able to apply the "whys" and "hows" to your own experience. I can recommend an easy to understand book called "the dissociative identity disorder sourcebook" by Deborah Bray Haddock.

Again, this is hard to figure out because it goes against what I know the "norm" of DID to be, but I bet your new T can help. The "something" you speak of usually means years and years of severe, sick and twisted childhood abuse. A little child, usually before the age of six, is so horrified and terrified that they cannot deal with what's happening. They need to escape but obviously cannot so they create an alter to take their place. (That's the watered down version anyway. The onset of DID can only occur in children. There is no adult onset of DID.)

I read that you gave your T a few "hints" on your way out the door so she might question you about those. It might be very scary but in the end a definite good thing. I hope you'll be able to talk to her. Maybe write down some questions and take them in.

Have you been in touch with who officially diagnosed you with DID? Maybe they can fax over your files or have a phone conference. That would help your new T a great deal, I would think. And probably help you explain things easier too.

Here's some basics and a link to help get you started.

A person with Dissociative Identity Disorder is consciously aware of one aspect of his or her personality or self while being totally unaware of, or dissociated from, other aspects of it. This is a key feature of the disorder.

Because the alters alternate in controlling the patient's consciousness and behavior, the affected patient experiences long gaps in memory— gaps that far exceed typical episodes of forgetting that occur in those unaffected by DID.

Amnesia in DID is marked by gaps in the patient's memory for long periods of their past, and, in some cases, their entire childhood.

The primary cause of DID appears to be severe and prolonged trauma experienced during childhood.

You can read more here. http://www.minddisorders.com/Del-Fi/...-disorder.html

Keep asking questions. People will help you if they can.

nope... don't know where to begin

I have never been offically diagnosed

I've got some links that you might find helpful. I will look for them and post them for you. Knowledge is power.

You can get started here if you'd like.

http://allpsych.com/journal/did.html

We have not been diagnosed either; no one thinks we even have a personality disorder!!
(Kay)Erik

Manda something simular happened to me. not in the exact way it happened to you but the type of alter was the same. heres what happened to me, maybe my situation can help you somehow..one day I was with a friend of mine at the Dairy Queen. We were having a great time socializing and then the next thing I know I had tears on my face and my friend was trying to calm me down. she told me out of no where it seemed I put my head down on the table and started crying. she couldnt get me to stop. Through therapy I came to understand that memories dont always have to be literally something I went through. This memory that my alter was holding was a Feeling. When I was a child my parents took me someplace where I started feeling scared and trapped all the people I was seeing around me that I didnt know. I couldnt leave when I started feeling trapped because I was too young to drive the car out of there. I had to wait until my parents finished their shopping. So in my mind that feeling of being trapped and held captive became a dissociated memory of being trapped/held captive by faceless people that were towering over me on all sides. Once I understood that memories can also be feelings it was easy forme to understand why I had dissociated into this alter that held my memory of feeling trapped and held captive. I explained to my friend that knew I was dissociative, about the alter being a feeling containing alter and if the situation came up again when I was socializing and I needed her help, what I needed was probably for her to just reinforce the fact that, that situation is over and in the past, that I was now safe and it was ok for me to take care of how I am feeling. Thank her for letting me know how we all were feeling but now it was my job to take care of me when I feel like I am trapped and held captive. Over time that alter realized everything was ok and the two of us became one working together.

((((((((((((((Manda)))))))))))) I'm so sorry you are struggling. Orange has some good information. I hope it will be helpful for you.

I was wondering about this: Is this something you saw outside your head? Or did you see pictures/movies of her collapsing on the ground in your head? I'm having a hard time understanding that, I'm sorry. I am just wondering if it was a hallucination type thing? It might be good to tell your T about this incident if you can so they can help you through it. Please take gentle care as you work through things.

I saw it in my head.

Gabriella is a beautiful name. If she ever wants to visit our dreamland room, it's okay because its really safe and beautiful and awesome and there's butterflies. . .the little one who talks through another little says that her friend bear could give Gabriella a hug or a flower if she wants

i wuna go 2 da room plees!!! whair is it? (a message from Gabriella)

do you mean dreamland? if you do, it is in dreamlands thread in the garden where it says "hungry and tired" or "tired and hungry" (i have to look again, we can't remember unless we are going there) Orange Blossom made the dreamland room. i hope you like it.

ok we checked, it is in The Garden under hungry and tired. i hope you find it okay

I basically turn into different people. Sometimes I remember doing it, most of the time not.
I experience a lot of time where I just zone out and stay zoned out until something snaps me back to reality. (this happens on a almost daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day)
I have time when I feel like I am floating (like you know that sensation that roller coasters give when you lifted out of your seat? It feels like that.
I literally have to keep looking down to make sure my feet are on the ground!)

are there questions I can answer to help you understand how I dissociate?

Manda, that describes almost exactly what i experience! at times i also have the sensation that my head is detached from my body and my body is floating next to me. Are there any grounding techniques that work for you (if you want to share that)?

Thanks manda! That's very sweet of you to offer!

"Turning into different people" seems to be different for every one, that's all I meant when I said I wasn't familiar. I didn't want to offer advice on something I have no knowledge of. It could confuse you even more.

Many DID'ers have amnesia when it comes to dissociating and have no idea who is out, what they're doing, nor do they remember it when they "wake up" let's say (for example-lol ) in the doctor's office with the doctor looking at you like wtf was that? Or you "come to" in the shower and have no idea what day it is, only to find out a week has gone by.

So, to sometimes know you do it and be aware of what you (and they) are doing at the same time, and then sometimes not, sounded like co-consciousness which was confusing for me. I'm sure others here can relate to it though, so maybe they'll weigh in with their experiences.

Usually co-consciousness is a very slow process and doesn't begin until a lot of work has been done in therapy or you started vigorous internal communications on your own. But after reading your story and the way you dissociate, I'm encouraged that maybe healing won't be a such long process for people who have co-consciousness. It's almost like you're in the "advanced class."

Anyone have any thoughts on that?

Many DID'ers also have major memory lapses in their lives. Like not remembering anything about where they lived growing up because the abuse was so severe. We were talking about this in another thread that even though people knew something was seriously wrong with their lives, even as young as third grade, some went until their late thirties and beyond before they were even aware they had DID. Only then did they begin to get to know their alters, some still don't, and T knows about them before you do, lol.

So that's all. I was intrigued by the level of co-consciuosness. I just didn't want to offer that up right away because I didn't want to mess things up for you until you work it all out with T.

Did any of that make sense?

Up until a certain time in my late 30's I had one background history. It wasn't happy, but it was what it was. I couldn't figure out why I was so miserable. After my mom died my life exploded and I became suicidal and in trying to get some help my T dx me as being dissociative. I resisted that idea for a long time but eventually my arguments began to stop as I began to hear and feel some different things about my life. I ended up with two histories. One I made and kept up to "pass for normal" and then there was the real one that was frightening and painful and really twisted.

The better history was one that was created to block the painful realities of my childhood. It helped me survive since I had no help to stop abuse and evil things that happened to me.

With help I've been getting healing and a way to deal with my real past and a way to heal from the people who hurt me repeatedly. Children who can't cope with life sometimes come up with ways to dodge the painful realities and survive them until they can grow up and get out of the house. At least that is what I did.

There is help for us all out here somewhere.

Leslie/Pixies

Sadly... I haven't found any yet

Thanks!!!

yeah... I don't really remember much from my childhood. I remember "snapshots" of things.

Yeah... my level of co-conciuosness is what sometimes makes me think none of this is real.

Yes... bunches!!

Manda and all,
WE are CO-conscience 100% of the time. Someone on this site said being co-conscience comes from accepting everyone inside.
Hang in there, and ask us any questions you want to.
(Webber) Erik





























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