Not sure what to call it....maybe a rant?

I'm just so.....

exhausted....emotionally, physically, mentally!!

hurt....emotionally, physically, mentally!!

angry!!

sad!!

numb!!

alone!!

indecisive!!

impatient!!

hard on myself!!

betrayed!!

I don't even know what this is really about even. I just feel blah!! Had a really traumatic experience last weekend that, now that I look back on it, I'm having a tough time with recalling it, but I'm also wondering why/how it got so crazy and why I went over the edge like I did. I tried to bring myself back, but I was just gone.

I feel like I have the flu....but I'm not sick. I'm just exhausted and barely have energy for anything. Even walking from my car to my house carrying groceries is physically exhausting and painful. What the hell is my problem?

Then...I went to see old T. Still working towards termination. Want so much to be able to share with her but insiders have been holding back and not letting us discuss things with her. Or at least they were. I try so hard not to switch in the middle of T with her because I know she is not trained in DID and I don't think she really understands it. Truthfully, I think it makes her nervous and she doesn't always know how to respond. I feel bad for her and don't want to make her uncomfortable so I just hold everything in.

Last session with her on Tuesday, I switched to one of my littles in mid-session. She did quite well working with her, but again...don't think she knew what to do really. She acknowledged that she could tell that this was coming from a smaller place in me, but Willow was scared to talk to her. She did ask her if she still liked us because we were weird and different now...she said yes and I believe she meant it but the little ones think she's wierded out by us all now.

The littles got their feelings hurt at the end of the session too. We were discussing when we would meet next and she asked "So, who do you want to be when we decide when you'll come in next?" Willow and James started to cry....it got real noisy and Amber started yelling inside. Willow just looked at her with tears in her eyes and told her that we didn't want to be any of us. It made us mad.....like we just DECIDE who and when one of us comes around...like we DECIDE or FAKE our switches. This is how the littles took it but one of our bigs told us that it wasn't that she didn't believe in us, but that she didn't understand us and that she maybe didn't know what to say.

The other thing that just pisses us off..... (Yup!! There's more) she keeps telling us how good we are doing and how well she believes we're coping. I'm not self injuring, my sui ideation has lessened, I'm doing well at work....blah blah blah!!!

BIG FREEKIN DEAL!!! All this good stuff around me and I still FEEL miserable. Can't they ever understand that!?! Can't they ever just get it, that despite how good we look like we're doing, really we feel like crap, want to cry a lot, want to hide and never come out and can't stop picking sores on our skin!! So what if we are coping well!! What good is coping well if all you feel is misery!!!!

Crap.....I'm so tired....I am just gonna go to bed.....

Sorry about this...but....I...just....feel...like crap right now!!

Please....no pity for me. I know this sounds like I'm attention seeking; I guess it's my fault for feeling like crap when I'm coping so damn well!!

I hear you!!! I want to say something that will help you feel heard and understood we're just not sure what that is right now. I just keep thinking about the kids I work with and when they are not feeling felt, if you know what I mean, they react with confusion, anger, hurt, sadness etc...because their need to really be understood and felt (as in validated)has not been met. I'm not sure if that fits but the parallel came to mind and I want you to know that we hear and feel what you all are going through. please take it easy on yourselves, your feelings aren't anybody's fault, they just are. . .
d-mama and Isha

...and we say: "Don't even have ta put the * groceries away either!

Elysium, you have every right to seek attention, even if you aren't! Working and going to T can be hard and you did do the best you could.

We hope when you pull the covers over your head that you sleep till the morning and that you plan for lots and lots of pampering, especially for those little ones!

We'd start with: "hmmmm, how 'bout rice krispee squares for breakfast for starters!"

We love your purple teddy bear

((((((((((((((( Elysium ))))))))))))))))

sorry t is so clueless

(not pity, just grrrrrrrrr ness )

like your purple teddy too

We feel this way all the time, but it's not as as strong sometimes as it is others.
I can't BELIVE your T said that to you about "Who do you want to be next time?" That's BULL crap! It reminds us of all the T's we've had!! Personally, I take the Little's side on that!!
That is yet another thing that annoys us,, too, only with us, it's US saying those things to the T! We don't wish to be there at all with the T-it's like a tourture chamber!-so we don't let the T in om anything! We say what they wish to hear and that is all!
Hope things turn up for you!
(Kay)Erik

(((((Elysium)))))
Don't really know what to say. Very switchy at the moment.
Just know that we love you very very very much!

Being misunderstood so many times just sucks big time. We were not there and can't really know what was said and how it was meant, but it sounds to us like she just does NOT understand it. It sounds like she thinks you all are somehow "playacting or pretending" - it is not like she doesn't think you have problems it is like she doesn't get how things really are for you all.

I am sorry you all were let down by your old T. It hurts a lot to be treated that way by someone who has been important in your life and someone who has known you in such a personal way. I wish that hadn't happened to you all.

Sometimes I just want people to hear me, that is not asking for sympathy or pity. Frankly, sometimes I wish peopple would feel bad for me, I am getting tired feeling it all on my own...LOL, but Not Really.

Leslie/Pixies

Elysium

You okay ?


Hunny