[multipixie9]

We are glad to be home from "vacation". It went ok in many ways. We went to T today and we are in a place we can't tell about. We just wanted to say hi to you all. We missed you while we were gone and we are glad to be back here with you all. I hope you are pretty ok and safe.

Take care, Hugs

Leslie/Pixies

[Miracle1986]

((((Leslie and all)))))
Glad you are back!
We missed you!

[Eriksplus]

We missed you, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Yeston)Erik

[LivingMiracle]

Welcome Back!
Glad your vacation went nice

Welcome back!

[Hunny]

Welcome back Multipixie,

[wanttoheal]

Welcome back. Glad your vacation went well and you got to see T.

[iamtwilight]

welcome back, good to see you!


twilight

[Fuzzybear]

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome back. I am glad it went well.

BB

[multipixie9]

Thank You All for your kind responses and friendliness. It helps so much. We are beginning to deal with some intense stuff in a system of alts whose job has been to keep me functioning no matter what they have to do to produce activity. I went home and then went blank and then cried a lot over some tv show. My spouse tried to be kind and said he was sorry the show upset me so much. I couldn't tell him it was 5% of the show and 95% issues making me cry. It is hard to cry with so much programming to not share feelings. Feeling vulnerable now and it scares me so much. I feel dangerous(not enough to hurt myself, just tempted). Called T, something I seldom do and she has not gotten back to me and in my physical life I have no more friends to call. It's hard to be a good friend when I am broken up inside and I can not blame anyone else because to have a friend I must be one first and I can't do that right now.

My daughter is in counseling and she sees T same day as I do. Yesterday she told me how alone she felt growing up, Dad expecting perfection and Mom being fragile and dysfunctional. This is why much of me cried last night. My only goal since my children were born was to protect them and not hurt them. I did not succeed as much as I wish I had. Even knowing I tried hard doesn't reduce the pain I feel. My daughter expressed things I felt growing up too, alone and somehow lacking what other people already knew. When Sarah told me how she tried so hard to not "break me" or hurt me growing up it was awful. I created the exact pain in her I wanted to avoid for her sake. She did tell me I had done some things well and she was not trying to rail on me, she just needed to say outloud that she had been hurt by her dad and me. I feel sad for her.

The one's who abused me owe something for depriving my children of the mother I desperately wanted and tried to be. Part of my failure will be laid to their account because they deliberately sabotaged my life. I am so angry they messed up the one thing I had always wanted to do well. They belong in hell.

Originally Posted by multipixie9

Thank You All for your kind responses and friendliness. It helps so much. We are beginning to deal with some intense stuff in a system of alts whose job has been to keep me functioning no matter what they have to do to produce activity. I went home and then went blank and then cried a lot over some tv show. My spouse tried to be kind and said he was sorry the show upset me so much. I couldn't tell him it was 5% of the show and 95% issues making me cry. It is hard to cry with so much programming to not share feelings. Feeling vulnerable now and it scares me so much. I feel dangerous(not enough to hurt myself, just tempted). Called T, something I seldom do and she has not gotten back to me and in my physical life I have no more friends to call. It's hard to be a good friend when I am broken up inside and I can not blame anyone else because to have a friend I must be one first and I can't do that right now.

My daughter is in counseling and she sees T same day as I do. Yesterday she told me how alone she felt growing up, Dad expecting perfection and Mom being fragile and dysfunctional. This is why much of me cried last night. My only goal since my children were born was to protect them and not hurt them. I did not succeed as much as I wish I had. Even knowing I tried hard doesn't reduce the pain I feel. My daughter expressed things I felt growing up too, alone and somehow lacking what other people already knew. When Sarah told me how she tried so hard to not "break me" or hurt me growing up it was awful. I created the exact pain in her I wanted to avoid for her sake. She did tell me I had done some things well and she was not trying to rail on me, she just needed to say outloud that she had been hurt by her dad and me. I feel sad for her.

The one's who abused me owe something for depriving my children of the mother I desperately wanted and tried to be. Part of my failure will be laid to their account because they deliberately sabotaged my life. I am so angry they messed up the one thing I had always wanted to do well. They belong in hell.

I could have written the same thing. My children were my reason for being and , even though I will never win "mother of the year" I tried my best. Sometimes I think of what I did wrong (and there is a lot) and it makes me wish I could turn back the clock and start over. I wanted to protect my girls so much more than I was. I wasn't protected.. I ended up having to go to the hospital and leave them with my parents. The pain of missing out on some of their growing up still haunts me. I could have, should have done better. I am lucky that they have grown into happy healthy women with a wonderful sense of humor, but I still wish.....
I'm sorry to ramble on...I know how you feel. Please trust that you did the best you could. You need to feel proud of the good you have done with your kids.

[multipixie9]

Thank You, Callista+12,

You put it well; I know you understand the pain and regret. I did not even know I was DID until I was 39. That year my mom died and the issues blew up in my head. I abused pain meds trying to function/perform etc. I am so angry that I tried so hard and did so much less than I hoped. I know I need to look at what I did accomplish and they did turn into compassionate, good people. But I don't want to look on the bright side I want to pitch a loud, ugly hissy fit and resurrect the ones who abused me and slap the s*** out of all of them for all the misery, horror and pain they cost me and my kids through my dysfunctional living. Argh!

The words just never seem enough. I wish I could make pinatas of them all and beat the crap out of them with a big stick - and then burn the pinatas. I hate the s.o.b.'s

what's the use??? sorry

Originally Posted by multipixie9

Thank You, Callista+12,

You put it well; I know you understand the pain and regret. I did not even know I was DID until I was 39. That year my mom died and the issues blew up in my head. I abused pain meds trying to function/perform etc. I am so angry that I tried so hard and did so much less than I hoped. I know I need to look at what I did accomplish and they did turn into compassionate, good people. But I don't want to look on the bright side I want to pitch a loud, ugly hissy fit and resurrect the ones who abused me and slap the s*** out of all of them for all the misery, horror and pain they cost me and my kids through my dysfunctional living. Argh!

I don't blame you one bit! Can I join your hissy fit?

The words just never seem enough. I wish I could make pinatas of them all and beat the crap out of them with a big stick - and then burn the pinatas. I hate the s.o.b.'s

what's the use??? sorry

No need to say sorry....Anger is normal and I really do hear you!

[multipixie9]

I guess I'm real normal then, Callista cause I sure am angry. It has been the most difficult thing for me to admit and experience. Anger is scarey.

thanks for sharing your understanding. butterfly hugs if ok with you.

[Typo]

(((((((((((((Mulitiepixie)))))))))))))

Sending lots of safe sparrow snuggles to you. Sitting with you and being your friend.

I'm sorry your having such a hard time, just know you've done some amazing things in this world, and you are one of the kindest most compassionate people I know. You are very brave and strong and I say all of this from my very heart.

Love
Sparrow

[multipixie9]

Thank you! Silversparrow,

Those sparrow snuggles sound really good today. The kind words helped too. I think all of us here need hugs and hissy fits too. Anger wasn't allowed when I was a kid and life was full of wrongs and pain. I don't like anger, but I need to have it back.

Take care of you, Sparrow!

Leslie/Pixies

Anger can be scary but it's necessary. We weren't allowed it either. No strong emotion was allowed even if it was happiness. It was an embarrassment to show we were human.
Hissy fits are so helpful! We should be able to plan a big one and have it all together.
Hope you feel better. We're thinking of you((( Leslie & Pixies)))
Susan

[DLHsSystm]

Hi! I just got back yesterday. I think I know how you feel. I am glad you posted.

[multipixie9]

HI DHL,

Glad you are back. Some of us want to make a big, together hissy fit over all that is wrong in our lives...in cyberspace of course. I think it sounds like a great idea. I find anger so hard to do.

Calista I think your idea of hissy fits together is better than good, it's great!!!!!!! We are all overdo on some emotional expressions! Be good to yourself and we all need to take care as we do or do not have our hissy fits.

Take Care All,

Leslie/Pixies

[Jewels]

((((((((((leslie and all the pixies))))))))))

welcome back! we've missed u very much!

abbi an alla us jewels

[multipixie9]

ABBI AND THE JEWELS,

THANKS FOR THE GREAT BIG WELCOME BACK!!!!!!


I hope all the jewels are sparkling right now. Are you all doing ok? Jewels never melt in the heat, right?? Us pixies get hot and draggly when it gets over 100 degrees, whew!

Take gentle care of yourselves, OK???