[turquoisesea]

my list of fears is painfully long. I've always dissociated ALOT to get through life but it's hurting me to do that. I'm sitting paralyzed by the fear and pain and everything else. It's like chains holding me down but all I'd have to do is walk out the door to change it.

Just everything presses presses down on me. So much it hurts, so I hide hide hide like I have all my life. I'm so scared. Terrified. Can't even think because so terrified. I don't even know what I'm afraid of sometimes.

<------possible trigger, violence

Right this second I'm scared of becoming a monster I can't control, watching my own hands hurt something especially one of the cats... and sometimes it's ME doing it not someone ELSE because we're together now but NO I hate it... can't stand I did that but that part of me that IS me now does and we're the same we're not separate so it's ME, it's ME who's the beast and monster... monster monster in the mirror

<--------end possible trigger

hide
hide
hide

always hide....

[complic8d]

(((((((turquoisesea))))))
...and I don't hug monsters!

[DLHsSystm]

I don't know if this will make any sense to you or be helpful but I have found it comforting for myself as I struggle with good and evil.

Somewhere I read or heard, perhaps in a conversation about spirituality with my beloved Therapist that the Light in this universe is able to hold both light and dark sides where as the Dark only feeds on more darkness and is one sided and less than whole. Therefore those who want to journey towards wholeness, as one or with the help of alters, will have to deal with both light and dark things. Those stuck with the dark only will never be able to see anything but darkness.

So, I can accept that I have dark parts of my soul but that does not define who I am. I will not let it.

[reg12]

Sorry you are having a hard time. The fear of becoming something that you do not want to be happens at times. It is just that fear scaring you right now. I find it helps to talk about it, so keep writing. Take care

[iamtwilight]

Originally Posted by DLHsSystm

Somewhere I read or heard, perhaps in a conversation about spirituality with my beloved Therapist that the Light in this universe is able to hold both light and dark sides where as the Dark only feeds on more darkness and is one sided and less than whole. Therefore those who want to journey towards wholeness, as one or with the help of alters, will have to deal with both light and dark things. Those stuck with the dark only will never be able to see anything but darkness.

So, I can accept that I have dark parts of my soul but that does not define who I am. I will not let it.

that is a good one.

turquoise, i would never think of you as a monster. no matter what you did, you wouldn't be one. it feels bad to do these things, and it hurts and the dissociation sometimes overcomes because it hurts so much.

if you were a monster you wouldn't be scared of the dark in you. you wouldn't even regret that you feel angry or regret over the things that happened.

a few points that prove you are definitely not one of those psychopaths that you think you are.

you're a fine friend and i'm overjoyed to know you.


twilight

[multipixie9]

*trigger* speaking of darker, angry parts

Of all my parts, I fear the angry ones most, the ones who dealt with very dark things when we were small. They need help as all my parts need help. There were no protections for us and we were a target of evil. I'm sorry that you are facing a part of yourself that dealt with darkness. I wish I had something to give you hope. Every part exists to give something to the group - even those who did things we do not like as information comes back. I had parts who did things that make other parts feel sick or very sad. They coped with stuff our softer, "sweeter" parts hid from or escaped. It's not their fault they had the job they had.

My hope is you will find some way of help for these parts who did what they did - so they don't continue to act it out when you are not a helpless child now. (though I know you may feel like you did back then).

[DLHsSystm]

That was a helpful post for us too multipixie. Thank you for posting.

I hope you are feeling a little better today turquoisesea.