[Fox]

I wrote this during church tonight. I hope someone can help me.

There is a dark room. In this dark room is a black box. Something small got out of the black box. The small thing wandered around the room. A stranger came into the dark room and fed the small thing. The stranger left and did not close the door to the dark room. The small thing ate and grew. I cannot find the black box to put the growing small thing away again. The small thing now has grown long claws and very sharp teeth. The monster had a big inaudible roar. The silence echoed in the dark room and found its way through the open door. The monster chased the echo. The monster left the dark room I could not find its box again and now its too big to fit. The monster chased the small insiders threatening to eat them all. I could hear the littles screaming and crying. The monster is loose and shrouding the world with . . . darkness.

How can I make the monster small again and put it back in teh dark room?

I realize that the small thing it started off as is an emotion I don't know what kind it is but it's one I do not like at all. Please help if you can???

[kasva]

I wish I could help fox...xcan you call your t (if you have one- i hope that you have a t.........kasva

[loveregardless]

(((((((((((((( fox ))))))))))))))))))

At one point in my life I could see what I called an "evil gnome" living inside the "storage room" that was my mind. I felt like it was doing just what you say that the monster is knowing doing to you. Running around causing harm to everything and everyone else inside the building, and I didn't know how to stop it.

Today in grounding chat crew asked if we felt strong enough to go into a situation where we knew we would be triggered, armed with confidence in our grounding skills. I told him absolutely not, and that I felt like there was a monster that I kept locked inside a dungeon that I did not ever want to let out again.

I have heard the others calling this HIM inside. I do not know if he and the gnome are the same, but I think so, or at least they are connected. I only catch feelings of HIM, as if he can reach me from deep in the dark, and although I know he is there, and a part of me, I fear HIM.

I don't know which is better to be honest. Having HIM running free or locked inside a cage.

Crew said to me tonight that avoiding every situation that could potentially trigger me was not allowing myself to really live, and this hit me pretty hard. Because I agree. But it's the defense mechanism, or self preservation tool that I put into place many years ago, before I even heard about DID or alters and just knew what I saw and heard in my mind. I think that it is this avoidance that locked him deep inside. But I can feel HIM like a pain inside my chest and a tightness in my whole body when I fight to keep him locked away.

I want to let him out so that I can try to understand him. I want to try to love him like I love the littles and the others. I know he needs that, too. I know he has protected me in the past when I needed him to, but I also know that he reminds me of my father, and that brings with it a lot of resentment, fear and negative emotion. And I also know that he has caused me a lot of pain. (or taken it on for me, given me a place to point??)

This little monster is a part of you. And I know you know that. He needs your love and acceptance, but he also needs to know that it is not ok for him to behave this way to the rest of you or others. I worry that HIM will do the same if he ever breaks out again, and I would do the same if someone locked me in a box and never let me out, so I understand how he feels.

Maybe your monster feels the same way?? Maybe it is time for you to integrate this part of yourself and no longer keep him locked away. I don't know. I wish I did.

I send you all my love dear friend.

[Fox]

Kasva sadly I don't have a T right now. The last time I saw my pdoc was when I was dx'd and it's been even longer since I've seen my T. No money. No insurance. No sliding scale fee within 160miles round trip.

love thank you so much for sharing, I don't know how to accept or integrate, I'm at the very beginning yet of even getting to know my alts and what the inside world looks like. I can see it if I'm out but if I'm in it's total darkness and like being asleep with no dreams.

[anderson]

(((((fox)))))) we all have that monster on the inside. we have tried to hold dolls even animals trying to get that part to understand tha it is love and wanted. we hope you and all those with in you are able to find the way to peace with in.

[Fox]

a big person dunno who, (I'm thinking it was Yul he terrorizes the littles and hurts a lot of insiders but he seems possessive of all of us. Like he's the only one that is allowed to do harm and anyone else who tries has to deal with him, he's also the only one I know of who can go between dark and light and shaded areas and be unaffected. He's just the only one I know strong enough to do this) wrestled the monster and I found the box and it's locked inside with all the other dark emotions again. I put a padlock on the outside of the box and closed the door to the dark room again and locked that as well. Fox was not supposed to see that stuff, nobody is.

Can't someone tell her to not trigger herself by reading sad things on PC???

-Max