[AtreyuFreak]

I say "person" instead of "people" because to the outside world, we are one person. Actions can't be blamed on alters (even when it was done by an alter) because nobody knows they exist. We don't really mind this...We would have a hard time if people knew, because (being in high school) they'd either treat us like a freak, walk on eggshells around us, or be super nice to us in a really fake way. One or two would understand; those are the people we've trusted with this secret.

Regardless of my alters and/or my mental and emotional state, I have always tried to maintain a certain manner around people, especially adults. I always try to be respectful, not talk back, be polite, etc. Most of the time I'm able to do this, which is why several of my friends parents really like me. Lately, however, this has been disintegrating...With most adults, I can maintain this attitude to some degree. But the ones that are difficult, especially those who remind me of my mother (of which there are a few)...I can be a very unpleasant person. I can see how this is my alters protecting me from a type of person who has been very, very instrumental in breaking down every good feeling I may have about myself. But it's interfering with school. Today I got in a "fight" with the lady at the front office when I went home sick. She started lecturing me about something (I wasn't paying attention, as I always dissociate heavily during this), though I'd warned her that I didn't have energy for that s*** today. I didn't yell, or throw anything; I didn't really even get angry. Just defiant. When she finished, one of us (I think Anji) said something along the lines of "feel better now?" in a derogatory tone. The lady started crying!

Mind you, it has never been my/our intention to upset anyone; the only reason we act like this is to protect ourselves. That is the only reason we've ever lashed out (not exaggerating), whether it seems that way to others or not. However, I'm/we're horrified whenever it happens. This is not the person we want to be. Obviously we're a bit stressed right now (overall, not just today). But that's still not an excuse. I don't know what to do...this is just stressing me out more.

I haven't seen my T in at least a month. That could be one reason. Anyone have ideas on how to "control" this behavior, or how to de-stress?

[Hunny]

AF

I hope you are starting to feel better.

When I feel sick, I'm not a terribly 'nice' person to be around either. It is okay. Give yourself room to be imperfect.

Also, I don't think you are becoming this kind of person. It is just an incident. Sometimes I find it helpful to find the person I have said something to and just ask if I might talk to them. It is sometimes a way I can say something to them about what was going on before. I can't speak to the adult's tears, that seems a little extreme but maybe there was something she was dealing with in her own life!?

I'm not saying this to excuse 'bad' behaviour but one incident does not a bad person make.

Sounds like you are wanting to see your therapist again. I think that is a good thing to arrange.

Give yourself a hug and feel well again, soon.

Cheerio
Hunny

Originally Posted by AtreyuFreak

I say "person" instead of "people" because to the outside world, we are one person. Actions can't be blamed on alters (even when it was done by an alter) because nobody knows they exist. We don't really mind this...We would have a hard time if people knew, because (being in high school) they'd either treat us like a freak, walk on eggshells around us, or be super nice to us in a really fake way. One or two would understand; those are the people we've trusted with this secret.

Regardless of my alters and/or my mental and emotional state, I have always tried to maintain a certain manner around people, especially adults. I always try to be respectful, not talk back, be polite, etc. Most of the time I'm able to do this, which is why several of my friends parents really like me. Lately, however, this has been disintegrating...With most adults, I can maintain this attitude to some degree. But the ones that are difficult, especially those who remind me of my mother (of which there are a few)...I can be a very unpleasant person. I can see how this is my alters protecting me from a type of person who has been very, very instrumental in breaking down every good feeling I may have about myself. But it's interfering with school. Today I got in a "fight" with the lady at the front office when I went home sick. She started lecturing me about something (I wasn't paying attention, as I always dissociate heavily during this), though I'd warned her that I didn't have energy for that s*** today. I didn't yell, or throw anything; I didn't really even get angry. Just defiant. When she finished, one of us (I think Anji) said something along the lines of "feel better now?" in a derogatory tone. The lady started crying!

Mind you, it has never been my/our intention to upset anyone; the only reason we act like this is to protect ourselves. That is the only reason we've ever lashed out (not exaggerating), whether it seems that way to others or not. However, I'm/we're horrified whenever it happens. This is not the person we want to be. Obviously we're a bit stressed right now (overall, not just today). But that's still not an excuse. I don't know what to do...this is just stressing me out more.

I haven't seen my T in at least a month. That could be one reason. Anyone have ideas on how to "control" this behavior, or how to de-stress?

[WePow]

Atreyu - it takes a lot of work to stay with alters when they come out. Oh boy does it take work. But you can do it. The thing that was the most helpful for me was to honor the alters and thank them for what they did to keep me safe when I needed it. There is a reason your alter has that tone. Somehow, it protected you at one time.

The thing to do is to really work with your alters and find out why they are who they are. What purpose did they serve? For example, my Mick alter had an alter named Andy. He actually shoplifted as a teen. I could not control it at the time - and often did not even know I did it until I got home and found stuff! UGGG! What I learned in therpay was that Andy was the part of me that as a child was used by a friend's mom to shoplift stuff when she took us and her daughter to the store. I knew it was wrong but could not mentally deal with the conflict, so Andy was created to take care of that for us. He also was a smart mouth. And that was a part of his role - to just not care. Because I did care.

Get to know who you are - all of you. Alters are us. That is a fact. And that is a very wonderful thing to understand. They are also not the same as what we think we are. That is also for a reason. Honor all of you.

[anderson]

(((((AF)))))))
Go gently on your self. Like Wepow said "Honor yourself" and your alters. When we feel that we may have come of to strongly we would pull the person aside and tell the person that I/WE were having a bad day and that I want to appoligize for any hard feelings. Yes the body is treated as one by most people and we do agree that if it comes out of our mouth them we should make amends for what was said but also understand that when that part is out it is doing what it does best. Keeping others away from the body. Now to find a way to let that part know that you are safe. That is when our protectors were less reactive to others around us. So when you are thinking of all the bad side of this part is doing try to think of all the times it has protected you from abuse and find ways of letting her/him know that it does not have to go on full alert.

[Lillyleaf]

hugs what you want to be you can be it may seem so so so imposible but it is posible I wish you the best

[AtreyuFreak]

Thanks for all who commented .

I have really come a long way in accepting my alters, its just...difficult to accept their actions at times. I can definitely see how it was protective. Every thing I/they do is protective of the system as a whole, somehow. It seems to be our only function right now, survival. Seems so strange because it's not like I'm in a war zone or anything, I'm in high school...ah, tis the way we live, I suppose.

Anderson: I did apologize to the lady shortly after it happened. I'm always good about trying to do that.