The Object...........................................

Sometimes you just want to hide away and forget you even are. Today feels like one of those days. Silence fills the air around me and for some reason Fear fills very close, almost as if some part of me is missing----fading within her. The drops of rain on the window are like the tears falling within. But you have to be strong. There is an overwhelming sadness gripping my heart and somehow it feels I know this feeling yet I don’t.

I feel this feeling of aloneness engulfing me, and a feeling of not wanting to be seen. The fog outside or maybe it is just the gray filling the sky feels like my heart. Like I am walking through a place over shadowed and it feels eerie. A place I’ve been before yet I cannot find myself. Fear screams out here as if it is pulling at me yet I am unsure where I am. But I know it is a place I don’t want to be yet some place I cannot escape.

A silence surrounds me blocking our any sense of what is taking place around me. It seems it is getting harder to see as the gray begins to fill my senses and it sees my vision cannot focus around me. This place becomes a place I once was. The emptiness feels void of thoughts except I don’t want to be here. Sometimes a scent lingers around me, one I do not like, one that almost reaches out and snatches away the very air I am trying to breath, but one that makes me want to stop breathing at least right now.

A drop of rain slides down the windowpane as I feel a tear roll down my face and I reach up to wipe it away before there is even a trace it has escaped eyes that are burning now with a feeling of being full yet somehow they are being wiped away before they even have a chance to fall. Maybe the one that escaped fell to let me know I am still here. Silence, what is it saying for within it feels it is screaming yet echoing back empty against what is taking place within the heart that lays shattered everywhere. The breeze blowing through the open window is not as cold as the breeze blowing through my mind as once again I feel lost somewhere within and no one knows where.

It is almost safest that way for it feels there are no words that could justify what is being felt. Not one. The raindrops fall down the windowpane just as a tear falls silent somewhere within but no body knows. Maybe no one hast to. Now I know what it is and it is bringing to the break. I am feeling once again that place of no love, no acceptance, where I was an object, their object to be used for them. No we don’t like the rain falling for it is too close to that place in our heart that we could not be.

dps

darkpurplesecrets, thank you for sharing this...I am new to pc and I can understand what it feels like to want to hide away and I know the suffocating feeling of aloneness that engulfs an entire being...and what it is like to have an overwhelming sadness gripping your heart and to be lost in a fog that permeates from somewhere deep in your depths of your soul or mind....I know that place where there is no love or acceptance, where only hurt and pain lie there seeking to devour and destroy...

I long for the sun to shine and bring to light that which has been hidden away in the most remote parts of my mind....

((((lostmyway))))

Thank you for posting and for your support. Welcome to pc and I am sorry you know of these feelings and that you have experienced any of this. Please know that we are here for you and care. I hope you find comfort and support here along with a feeling of belonging and a place to share what you are feeling.

Though these feelings grip my heart I also know that with time I will be able to keep moving forward inch by inch if I continue to reach. It is hard and scary and sometimes I want to stop but somehow I keep going and reaching one day one minute, sometimes one secod at a time.

My heart sometimes screams echoing back within in an almost emptiness but a familiar feeling that somehow I have known before. It is scary and sometimes stops my heart and the very breath I breathe. Sometimes I almost wish it would yet knowing I need to keep walking.

Thank you again for your support and I look forward to hearing more from you. Take care of you and thank you for caring. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

DPS

Coming alongside you. Praying here for warmth and bright and cheery sunshine for you: to break through the gloom of the gray days but as the process allows and all in 'good time'.