... I got the time wrong and was late. stupid stupid useless me. I can't seem to get things right. I even put the time in my phone but the read it wrong. She wasn't cross but we only had half an hour and i don't know what we did really. i can only remember bits.
i told her about the bad one and how she wrote in my online journal twice and i only remember the second time. She said i probably dissociated but not to worry about it.
i know we talked as well about Baby Christopher. She said that was a wrong thing for my parents to have done and no wonder I feared rejection.
I told her I want to remember good stuff from when I was little. She wants me to remember the things I have done with my daughters. She wants me to just remember that now till we go on holiday and then leave it all here and forget about it. I don't seem able to control what I remember but I will work on the me as mum memories.

Then we looked at the CBT things I did. I didn't get very far. We tried to go further but some bits were too scary.

Then I started crying and couldn't stop. I knew it was time to go but I couldn't stop. I wanted to hurt myself. I couldn't stop. I had to go. I went out the back stairs. I thought about falling falling all the way down. Or slipping off the top onto the ground. But I didn't.
I have to go back later to see my GP - I thought I made that appointment for after my session with Ruth but I didn't because I got the time for Ruth wrong.
I won't see Ruth till I get back from my holiday at the end of the month. That is really scary.
I don't like this.

[shadowdancer]

oh honey, i'm so sorry that you had such a rough time with mixing up your appointment time. please take care of yourself. when you start feeling so down, PM me and i'll remind you of the millions of reasons why falling down those stairs would be a very bad idea indeed. you are far too important to me and to this site. please stay safe. sounds like your session with ruth was a tough one. please take care. i am always here if you need me.

((((((((((((((((caroline, LC, baby and tbo))))))))))))))

-shadow

[Monty_girl]

Caroline, I'm so sorry about the appointment getting all mixed up. I know how hard it is when you get all confused and mixed up about things like that. I'm so really sorry you felt like hurting yourself. I hope that you know that we all care about you and all yours and we don't want to see you hurt. We all enjoy having you all here. And if you get hurt we would miss seeing you. I bet it is scary to be away from Ruth for so long. But she'll be there when you get back and you'll have lots to talk about. I hope you can make some really great memories while you are on holiday. A holiday sounds like lots of fun. What are you planning on doing??
C Ya later, Monty

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((caroline)))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your fuzzy friend

Thank you shadow.

I needed that time.
But then, T said she thought I had done about as much as I could take for today.
That was when the tears came.
Because I know there is so much to do. And I want to get it done. I want to put all the memories nad hurts away and get on with things.
I want to feel whole again, not in bits any more.

Thank you for being there for me, especially when you are hurting so much yourself.
(((((((((Shadow))))))

Caroline

Thank you monty.
I thought I had it right. I even checked in the morning what time it was. I don't understand how I got it wrong when I was so careful. It's scary feeling like I am not really here, feeling like I am getting these things wrong even when I am trying to get them right.

I'm trying to believe what the doctor suggested to me today, that I need a break from all these rememberings. That was what Ruth said too. But I told them both I wasn't trying to remember things, they just ocme. I want not to remember any more, but I can't stop them and I need help to deal with them.

We will have fun on holiday but it is still scary. It is scary because I have to sort things out still and I don't feel strong enough to. But W is taking the girls out for the day tomrrow so maybe I can try to do some of the scary stuff then. T hat way I can have a good cry if I need to and he won't be worried.

We are going to France, near to the river Rhone. we will be staying in a gite which is part of a country chateau. There is a swimming pool there too. We will fly to Grenoble and then spend 2 days in Lyon before going to the gite. I still have to sort out a hotel for Lyon. That's a bit of a scary job because I have to decide and I don't likemaking decisions on my own right now. I also have to do some money decisions and those are even more scary. I want to be an ostrich but that is what W is doing so I have to be a grownup and sort it out.
We are going to look at nice places nearby in the mornings (we have a car hired) and then in the afternoons we are going to sit by the pool and swim in the pool and barbecue and read books in the sunshine. We are all looking forward to that.
Thank you for asking and giving me good things to think about.
Caroline

Thank you kimmy.
(((((((Kimmy)))))
Caroline and I need hugs right now. We are feeling sad and scared.
But I will try to do what you suggested and think nice thoughts.
Little Caroline

Thank you fuzzy friend.

(((((((Fuzzy))))))

You really helped me by listening to me.

Little Caroline