[anderson]

In the past three years we have said that we have a commom memior for physcal time line when we are not abused. But those around us have almost completly refused to accept this which has allowed the dark souls to hurt us more. we are being over sensitive ya right. Our new T tried to get us to accept the fact that we were being to scared of those normal people around us. to that we asked her If we got hit by baseball bat in the face then am I being to sensitive? She said no. Then if some one come up to us and ask us why we have not dropped dead because no one wants us near them ? are we being tooo sensitive? She finely said no that we were being abused.
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That when we told her that each time that we went for help before we got dx for false memior syndrome then released then re hurt by the people that have hurt us since we moved here. Each time they would hurt us more making sure we would not forget what they could do to us and not have any one believe in us.
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We asked her how could we get our life back when no one wanted to stand by our side and see what is happening to us. She pointed out that people do not want to be near those that gave off vibbs to stay away. We pointed out we would not be like this if the only ones that want to come near us is to hurt us then walk away not that we mind the walk away part but how can we learn that we are worth anything if everybody act like we have no common memior and do not have to face the consequences of abuseing us because of how we store trauma memiors.
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This is the person that told us that it is not that we do not know how to talk correctly but that others do not like what they are hearing. So they are discounting it rather then dealing with it.
In tern we asked why would any one want to live in a world where it is accepted that all can hurt a group of people just because they are different.
The pastor even asked why we feel safe with him after all he did sprinkle us with holy water too. To that we asked him did he hurt us to to force the demons out of us. We know he did not do that. But the other ones can not say the same.
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Please note since our last job over a year ago we refused to go back to work. Those around us kept asking when are we going back to work we even got asked over again stupid question to see if we swicthed. We have even had our triggers pushed to see if we would go back to work. After this length of time repeat the same answer you would think that we would have proven our selfs but no. Not to all. We have lost so much. we have not felt safe in so long and no one wanted to hear our pain they just wanted to pass around to those within the community just to see if we stop praying for death but they just took that a new alter was comming to the surface.

Im sorry we keep repeating but we so tired of those in real world not hearing us. We are greatfull for our lighthouses but they need to stop trying to force us back to work where that has been the most abusive place for us. The fact that their are those that are still hurting us and not doing it in front of other tell us that we still have alters with dark soul controllers But what do we know it not like we have lived this way all of our lives and at time have been partially intergrated would be know if we could get past the abuse that are dealing with now from those within the community. Even just to have a safe home, that may give us enough sacurity to endure the abuse and stay in the present. I dont know any more All those within just want to go and hide If that is the only way to stop the dark souls from hurting us...........

[Gr3tta]

Thank you for sharing this anderson. We do not know why you are not being heard or understood by those around you, but we think you are very strong to keep trying. Unfortunately some people just do not understand things unless you keep repeating over and over and it takes them a long time to reach understanding. So many people will only hear or acknowledge things they want to hear, and refuse to hear anything that threatens their point of view
We think you've been very brave in the face of such abuse and frustration.
We wish you much strength in the struggle towards understanding and peace. ~Emma

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((( (((( (((( ((((Anderson)))) )))) )))) ))))

With you

[Miracle1986]

(((Anderson)))

[anderson]

Another late night crying over all the things that we have no control over. It has become a habit for us to write things down at night it helps us to let go of the helpless feelings. For so long we have been hurt by the dark souls in our lives just for trying to find a little peace. The people that are at the Sunday gathering are a mixed crew but mostly of the light soul nature.
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There is one person that we like to call Truth Talker. This person will speak from her heart before she will speak an untruth. She has been gone a couple of weeks and we got to talking about my eft tapping. I am asking those that I/we feel safe with to help us use eft to overcome our fear of having our abusers and new people near us. She made a comment of being able to stand up for her self and keeping safe boundaries.
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That was when we told her that about 3 years ago that we had been hurt by a group of people at one time and that when they had gotten through with this body that we no longer had any fight left. When we went to the TGC they re-dx us with false memoir syndrome it was at that point that no matter what we said or did we could not find a safe place from those that had hurt us for TGC had supported these people by covering up their actions with this action.
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If it had not been for the light houses that most truly believed this dx but kept those away from us when we were acting so scared. We honestly would not know if we would even have any one to talk to on Sundays. One of our T partners talked to us and we broke down and cried. We have lived in this town for over 10 years and we had no friends to turn to for help. We had those that on certain levels controlled our activities but no one that would sit and talk to us like she was doing at the time. Thanks to those that had learned that they could force us to have sex then clamed that we started it. No one wanted to hear the truth only that which those said to keep others away from us.
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It got weird then for the first time we felt people see us, not the lies that the dark souls told about us. This was not the first time but this was the first time that we had spoken so openly in front of those that had taken pleasure from our pain. We stood there talking knowing that the person was behind us. Yes we felt fear but those in front of us had given us shelter so many times that those within just spoke up. It was hard to tell which of us was in the most shock me for speaking up or the people around us knowing which ones we were talking about.
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This summer we were able to participate in a group activity this was the first time that we had been allowed to do this without being hazed out or out right asked not to come. It was these people that gave us the courage to speak up. But it was also from being tired of being forced to live like an outcast for what my/our abusers did to us yet covered up by the lies that shifted the blame unto us. We did not lie when we said that we have begged for permission to die and not have our son physically hurt because of it. We can not even tell you how many times that we have tried but it failed because someone was there to stop us but not there to stop the dark souls from hurting us because they were respected in the community and there was no way that they would do such a thing. AS tears roll down our face as we write this. Life is heck for those of us that have been raised in early childhood abuse with adult abuse mixed in.
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The hard part for these people to understand us was how a person with DID stored their trauma memoirs. Heck we even had to remind our DID T about that fact. We are taken a short break form her due to the fact that we are sticking to our guns about having a T partner present during seasons and that we are overwhelmed by all the trauma memoirs .
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We told Truth Talker that T was alright it was just hard on us to remember that no one can truly know another’s life unless they have taken similar path. Its not that this T is bad we even told her we were not always this way yes we did endure abuse before but these last 3 years it has been like we were a rock at the bottom of a water fall. We had gotten to a point in our lives that it seemed like the abuse would never end.
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We could not even find peace going to next life. No matter how we tried to get away from those that were abusing us some how they found a way to get to us. No one we trusted would give us safe lodging and after so many times being promised only then left out to be hurt by some else we just stopped caring and believing in what we were told by them. For it finely became clear to us that no matter what we said or did we could not overcome the rumors.
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To many of us this body had become nothing more then a prison. For it is due to our early childhood trauma that has allowed some people around us to control and manipulate us into doing what they want us to do. But also allowed others to preach hatred against us. How can a person win if no one around truly cares enough to listen for the truth?
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We are just so tired in the past there have been times that we felt like we had found a few people that would accept us only to have those that known how to hurt us and make us look bad convince the others to leave us alone. To trust after all this time is so hard. After all the lies and games what is real or it is just another false reason to choice to live a life that is not my own but that which those around us want to live?
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Even with all that is happening we are healing but at time like thise we wonder what is the point if no one will really give us a chance to prove ourselvs without abuse?