chaos in our world right now

i have come to the realization that i don't have any IRL friends who are actually there to help me...the ones that I thought were my friends make me feel shameful because I am not "trusting God for my healing" and that I should just "snap out of this and get over it". I HATE BEING TOLD THAT I AM NO GOOD. I hate hearing it, and I dislike those who think that it is in their power to tell me what is wrong with my life, yet don't see the damn plank in their own eye, or even care that there might be one there. I wish I had one person IRL so close to me that I could say or do anything in front of them and they wouldn't care because they loved me for who I am, not for something they think i should be.

Am i that bad that no one wants to be my friend? Am I that far out there that they are afraid that they will "catch" what I have and become like me?

I don't know what I want anymore. Maybe I shouldnt ask for a friend...maybe I am too bad, too immensely hurt to care about...I try talking and the words will not come, but when i am alone, the words seem to pour out of the pen without my conscious mind writing the words...it just seems so out of reach when I am at my T...i want to say how i feel, but the words just get stuck behind my tongue and begin to go backwards instead of forwards...sigh...even here, when I want to write...the words don't come...but they are alive and present...so what do i do?

my mind whirls at 100 mph, keeping me up at night...and when I sleep I am still struggling to keep alive, still trying to run from those who would chain me up again...this recurring nightmare has been with me for almost 50 years...and the sheer terror I still feel tells me it hasn't been resolved yet...

and it seems every time I consciously wake up from it, and try to calm down enough to go back to sleep, the nightmare is back, stronger and more outlandish than before...until i can take it no more and stagger out of bed without much sleep...i try to divert my attention but the scenes still play out in my head...i journal, but the words are few and do not match the intensity of the pain of the nightmares...what do i do now?

i find myself closing the door more and more into myself...and finally a type of dreaded peace descends...it isn't so much a restful peace, but a peace that is tentative, as if waiting for the shoe to fall...i just need a little bit of breathing room...it just doesn't seem to be there atm...anyone got anything to help me find some needed peace??? i am at my wits end right now...i just want to be me...

Jewels
We know the pain and horror of a state hospital. It's still very raw within us. We hear your pain. Can we offer safe hugs? Please know you are in a safer place, now. You are not alone.We would be honored to be a friend to you. You are a wonderful, loving person and we feel lucky to know you.

We hear you and will sit with you for as long as you want us.

Jewels, you do deserve to have friends! And no one has the right to tell you that you are no good, or that you should just get over it. Anyone who says such things is ignorant and cruel.
Sometimes when we have horrible nightmares that we cannot shake, we try this. As we try to fall back asleep, rather than try to distract with thinking about something else, we focus on the nightmare. Only this time, we picture things that can help. Maybe we have a weapon, armor, wings, sometimes we picture the attackers head and look through the skull to picture a huge glossy blood clot - they have a massive aneurism and die before us, or we picture help arriving, armies, police, knights in shining armor.
Sometimes this helps, sometimes it doesn't, but maybe it would be worth a try.
We are sorry for all you are going through right now. If you need to shut your door a little to be safe, do, but don't lock it and throw away the key. Open it again as you can. ~Emma