[tomb]

i am only new here, and im here on behalf of my fiance.

I am in australia....ill try to make the story short..

Met my fiance...over 18 months she had told me all these *lies* The main lie being that she was abused in a *commune* run by the *Children Of God*...where she lived with all her aunties/uncles mother and father, and all her cousins....her aunties/uncles father and mother used to sexually as well as physically abuse all the cousins and herself from a very early age....the girls were taught that there job was to please men........

ALong with the above lies there were others..some small some not so small....but her lies were inconsistent and i finally caught on....there were some torrid arguments in our realtionship....we split (she ran).

She had told me she was diagnosed with MPD i think at about 20(she is 40 now).

WIth all the lies i thought the MPD was just another lie.

AFter 10 weeks apart..she came back and admitted to all the lies and wanted my forgiveness...she said she couldnt remember all the lies but knew i didnt make it up because she had heard them before.

I spoke to her mother..her mother said this has all happened before..she lies, gets caught and runs....BUT!! i am the first one she has ever came back too and admitted too.

I have since found out...yes she was sexually abused by her father (and physically and mentally) (but not in a commune and nothing to do with Children Of God)..she was definately diagnosed with MPD...She has had different names everytime she runs...her mother backed this all up, her mother is also *happy* as well as shocked that she came back to me...never doing this before.

1) what is my/our next step
2) does this sound a symptom of MPD/DID?
3)she wants to see another phychiatrist with me being with her at interviews etc....CAN ANYONE PLEASE RECOMMEND ONE IN BRISBANE AUSTRALIA??
4) Can anyone recommend some good reading material
5) what am i in for??? what is she in for??

I will stick by her as we love each other madly. We are now talking about all of it without arguments, talking things that she would normally clam up on or yell at me for.
Its hard because as she said to me...with all the lies, even the truth becomes lies to people.

Hope this is enough info....any advice will be appreciated..ir please ask me any question you like...

Thanks.
Tomb

[nothemama8]

welcome you have come to the right place
don't have alot to say maybe someone else here can answer better
Iris

[SystemAurora]

here's the thing-- lying is NOT a symptom of DID at all. Appearing to lie (claiming to be the opposite gender, a child, an octogenarian, etc.) is pretty common, but pathologically lying isn't.

However, having DID, I can speak from personal experience and tell you that I have a couple of alters who are horrible liars. A couple cry for attention (that's only half-'fake', I guess), and at least one or two in our system will outright lie about things. I think it's more to do with the mental illnesses that we have, the ones that are apparently very co-morbid with DID-- BPD, especially, but then the anxiety and depression don't help either.

I'm not a doctor and especially wouldn't try diagnosing your gf/ex-fiance/whatever over the internet, but her behavior sounds... confusing. It might be DID, or she might be a pathological liar and/or have borderline personality disorder and/or has bipolar and was misdiagnoed, either at her conscious 'helping' or just because they didn't know what else to call it (It wasn't seen as commonly 20 years ago, though). I have no earthly clue. But people with DID don't generally split a new alter everytime they run from someone... and especially not if they've been diagnosed for 20 years. I definitely think there's some other issue tied into the DID, though, because that kind of lying really isn't typical in a dissociater... or maybe she's not lying, just confused? You never know. I honestly think that if she does have DID, some of her alters MUST have another mental illness, if her entire system doesn't share it. Going to a psychiatrist would be a good idea, but I'm afraid I don't know a good one.

As far as where to go from here, you have to explain to her that while you love/like her and want to be with her, you have boundaries that everyone in her system needs to respect. Remind her that you're supposed to be a team, the two of you against the world, and that for it to work she can't lie to you.

Check out The Significant Other's Manual to Living with DID... My partner and I have found it to be the funniest AND most helpful guide out there. Sounds like you've got your hands full. Best of luck.

As a person diagnosised 23 years ago as MPD and having undergone that many years of therapy. It is my opinion, that alters may see situations from different perspectives - however, that is not lying. I don't believe.. but I am not a T, pdoc, or doctor, that everytime that you run off you would split. Perhaps, the alters are there already. But it seems to me that the same alter would do the running off - not a different one each time. An alter that has trouble being in a relationship would in my opinion be the one doing the running - cause she is the scared one. So I guess that is difficult for me to understand that each time she uses a different name. But our "systems" are very complex, so perhaps one alter is doing the running and she is "wise' enough to use a different name. Only she could tell you that.

DID is an ever changing "environment", in therapy as alters gain co-consiousness and perhaps merge.. the person may appear to become more and less of what they already are - ie extremely outgoing.. maybe merge with less outgoing.. so end result is a medium out going alter. Just a kind of simple example.

Living with a person with DID is never dull, it is exciting, rewarding, unexplainable, challenging, unique - you will never get an experience like this again.. worth doing... if the "right" person for you - just like any other relationship.

However, like any relationship.. it will have up's and down's and inbetween's

That is my opinion.. though other's may disagree.

Respect meant for all that have DID intended in my response to this person. I felt that I had to answer, however, I value my relationship in this forum and would not want to hurt anyone.

Sincerely,
freewill

[tomb]

Thanks, but maybe i explained it wrong....she has always run from friends and or loved ones and has on occasions when moved to a different town/state changed her name, but not all the time...the name she uses now she has had for about 20 years.

She has told me of 5 names/identities/persons/alters

1) her birth name very similiar traits etc to her current name (though she believes this one is dead)
2) her current name of 20 years ... sweet, caring, loving.
3)her intelligent name ...
4) her *lying* name....also the cranky, moody, never wrong name.....i believe this to be her *protector* going by what i have read
5) her sexual name...all bout sex sex sex.

She doesnt deny lies...but says she cant remember them all, but believes she has said them because she has heard it from other people....also in most of her lies there are little parts of the truth....e,g. she said she was in a commune with her cousins and was repeatedly sexually physically and mentally abused by her parents aunties and uncles......the tiny bit of truth in this is that she was sexually physically and mentally abused by her father....also by someone else...a family member (not her mother)...she says she isnt ready to tell me who the other person is....her mother has confirmed all this..... i have not really known her to have *black outs* but i have seen her moods change.....

One other thing is that the name she uses now, her mother says, is very much the same person as her *real self*... Lets say her name she uses now is *Peg* and her birth name was *Mary* to her Mary is dead....to her mother peg and mary are virtually one of the same person.

Hope that says more. I look forward to replies.

Well the only helpful thing that i can suggest is if you try to talk to all her alters, be supportive,listen,care,and give her lots of hugs. She needs to be able to trust you and know that you are there for her. She may have horrable storys and she will go threw a lot of pain. She might get headaches during the change. This is a very hard situation to handle. I hope you have the stregth and love that your gonna need to help her threw this. I have learned a lot here about it, my heart goes out to the both of you.

[tomb]

PMachovina....

Thanks for your words of support...they do help...one thing i have been told by my fiances mother is **let her trust you and know you love and care for her, if she looses that trust i will probably never get her back** So yes i do trust her now and will stick by her...what i call her *main* personality is such a wonderful caring intelligent human being. and this i truly believe will be her after therapy. A long rocky road, but we will get there.

Every personality that she has is wounded and hurt but still her so even if they may act out they are still her. Try not to change who she is just her pain and suffering. She will love you more for being with her threw them hard times. Good luck

[January]

[BENNY]

hi tomb,

i don't post very often, but i do have d.i.d. and thought maybe i could help. my husband and i have been happily married over 8yrs.

"mary" is dead because that original little girl is gone once the abuse starts. the life she might have had, dreams, everything that makes you who you are, gone forever.

memories of the past come and go. different alters hold different memories. ( just like separate people) i never lie about what happened. i know what happened when i can remember it. however part of me desperately wants to deny it ever happened when i don't. (so much that some alters have a hard time believeing it did, even when there is plenty of evidence.

living with someone, with d.i.d. can be a lot of fun, but at times very challenging. you may have to repeat things a lot. changing can be confusing, frustrating and embaressing. (mostly for her). when i lose time (blackout) i don't usually relies it, untill something tips me off. you may have to be extra responsible at times. eg. my huband will say something like "how's supper coming" so i don't let the pot boil over. or casually double check the stove to make sure i turned it off. same with laundery. things like this might not happen everyday, but it does happen. it's not her falt. it will irritate her more than anyone. being powerless over "it", is depressing, frightening, and confusing at times. being powerless over the abuse was bad enough. (that's why trust is everything) you want to be like others, but you're not. you want to trust others, but to do so is very hard.

in order to get d.i.d. it usually takes the worst, long term abuse you could think of. so horrible an alter shows up to help you function, and block out the unthinkable. i'm not telling you this to scare you off. just trying to give you some idea of what it's like for her. i know for myself, i am so glad i have someone to share my life with. i'm happier now than i've ever been. she deserves that too. it does take a special person. i had a long talk with my husband before we lived together. basically, "can you take it from now on? i don't have a choice, but you do." i didn't want him to resent me or end up hating me later. that would hurt worse.
people with d.i.d. usually have a high IQ. and are very talented. we have much more good qualites than bad. as for me and my husband, we spoil each other rotten. no matter how mad we get, ( which is not very often) we give each other respect. trust and respect are important. we keep that by talking things out, and listening to one another, sincerely. i hope you both find the same happiness i've found. good luck!

benny

[kimmydawn]

tomb,

what a caring, special role you're playing in your friend's life. i commend you for wanting to understand and being there for her.

there's alot to understand...for you and her both. i think you're right that therapy is what will help and it would take much of it. i wish you well in helping her to obtain that.

so much is demanded of a child suffering long-term abuse...so much...especially when the abuse comes from a parent and family member. lying and manipulation is in the top of those requirements, i think.

that said, the part that was "lying" may not believe what she's saying to be lies. in other words, everything said might be very real to her. my old t once said (when i myself doubted what parts of me were saying) that detail and truth really doesn't matter. if what's being said is truly believed then it has to be addressed because it's affecting at least that part and probably the entire system to some degree. i think that's true. for instance, when all that happened, it did affect the whole in the actions that later took place.

i have no clue as to whether the part that said those things was deliberately "lying" (i hate that word), or believes it to be true.

i do believe that different parts hold different aspects of the same traumas or different traumas altogether. another thing to remember is that parts can get different little pieces of information and knowledge and come to their own conclusions based on their own limitations, capabilities, etc. let's think about a "what if" for instance. what if this part as a child read a book, watched a movie, etc., that triggered what was going on in her real life and with limited understanding it got jumbled because of the relations there? There are so many possibilities.

With DID, those in the person's life need to keep their minds open for any possibilities because trust is PARAMOUNT, disbelief a huge deal-breaker.

I do wish you so well and applaud your attempts to care, understand and help.

KD

[fgh]

Rollercoaster man, you're on one with anyone with DID. But ya gotta love us too cuz you never knkow what we will surprise you with and it aint all bad you know? nona

[tomb]

im so happy, but mainly thankful for what everyone has put in here for me, it does help, i take it all in....its making me understand a bit more each day.....Both me and my fiance have a way to go,,,,,,,,,,

I do thank those that *applaud* and tell me how good i am doing this,,,,,but really i dont need the applause or accolades...im doing this out of pure love, no other reason. Anyone that loves like my fiance and myself do would do the same thing.

Please keep telling me things if you can think of anything....

Once again thanks all.

Tom

[outdamnedspot]

hi,
am not sure where you live in Australia, but if you are wanting professional help here are a couple resources you might find helpful to contact:
the Trauma and Dissociation Unit (TDU) at Belmont Hospital in Brisbane: Dr Warrick Middleton is a DID specialist and set this unit up.
the delphi centre (in Victoria) sets up a lot of conferences (usu held in Bris, Syd and Melb) covering complex PTSD and DID topics. they have a list of Aust professionals on their website, with details of how long they have been working with dissociative clients, their training etc. that might be a useful place to start? there is nothing worse than going to someone for prof help and they haven't got a clue what you are talking about.
I don't have contact numbers for these organisations but if you google those names, the websites provide those details
they might be able to direct you to support groups as well as professionals,
wishing you well,
O

[outdamnedspot]

hi again,
sorry , I just re-read your original post and you say you are in Brisbane - in which case I would suggest contacting the TDU at Belmont Hospital (it is out at Carindale). Warrick Middleton consults out of Wickham Tce, prob elsewhere too, but he is not the only psychiatrist with experience in the field, so there would be other options if you are not close to the city.
also just wanted to say good on you for doing this for your fiance - that is wonderful - and all the best for the future,
O

[January]

I had to remove a post and many of your posts went along for the ride. 'Sorry about that, but it's the way the software works.

Jan

[mlyn]

It is good you are so caring to even be concerned about her/them.
Way to go. Hubby here could care less unless he is threatened. Know that yes they are all of one doesn't mean they all know what each other knows either. Wich makes much differances and yes some times may make her think she lies too. And if she is from abusive home you expect the parents to tell the truth?
just food for thaught.

[tomb]

Thanks for your words ....yes we have heard of the Belmont Hospital,,,,,We currently live at Camp Hill.....but we are moving to Rockhampton on the weekend.....and i have already checked and there is someone there we can see.

Do i assume that you live in Brissy too??....

Once again thanks for your words.

Tom

[tomb]

I never want to meet her father because i am scared of what i may do or say to him....and yes i could imagine he is a liar .....

Her mother though is a lovely person and i trust her completely.

But point taken though.

Tom