It was not just a story..........

I wrote this lastnight and am finally deciding to share it here. It is hard to find words right now so I will let this speak for itself. Thank you for listening.
***********************************************************

Tonight I sit here feeling as though I am somewhere detached from myself. A familiar feeling that used to come so many times that we are never afraid of where it takes us. The feelings so afraid to reach out, afraid to write, and most of all afraid to post----at all.. What comes out comes from within somewhere, and is much deeper that even myself is aware of.

I feel myself pulling away to where no one can reach me, to where no one even knows I exist, a place that used to keep us safe and that little girl safe so that life could continue. The hurt I feel has no words and feels so bad that to touch it would destroy my being. No one can get in and we do not have to get out.

Those within huddling so close as we feel abused all over again something that is so familiar we could never, not know what it is. Does it matter what may or may not lie within? Does it matter if we shut down? Maybe words are not needed----not heard. Or maybe they should not be at all.

It is not just a story it was a life that did what had to be done to survive. A little girl who split, who was never one or herself, love never knew her and words never mattered. An adult trying to somehow become, to somehow put back the pieces for the first time, and to even know of the pieces existing within.

Words held so deep that black cannot describe their color nor their pain. A quiet, almost death like silence, has come over afraid to touch these words, to even allow them to seep through the small cracks and crevices within the blackness. To allow them to even seep upwards, fear swallows hard to push them back down. They may not only feel attacked from the inside but from without also. Danger feels present all around once again.

Words what are they? Do they make sense? Do they come together at all to give hint of when one is or where one has been? A life struggling to continue after struggling to exist, of one trying to allow others within, and trying to shed even a dim light to existence. Never planned just a jumble of letters that somehow comes together to form a sentence that a shattered lifetime tried to destroy.

Not expecting acceptance but hoping to tear down the dam that holds up that wall within. To slowly allow truths to be revealed, fighting a battle to even exist as stops and plugs are constantly trying to plug up those leaks that are allowing words to seep through. A place that time is stuck within littles and yet it has not stopped to wait for them to grow or to even know that they have continued to be.

From somewhere above some part of myself reaches yet silently so to not be seen, not be heard, and not to continue to be drawn into the battle for life itself. Silently the keys tap and the hum of the fan echoes and fear stops any thought……………………………………………………………………………………….

….

Thank you for sharing ((darkpurplesecrets)). I wish I could give each special little their own safe, warm blanket and envelope them in love. I pray one day they will all hold hands while a gentle golden light shines in on your broken heart to heal the pain. You're special and no one can ever take that away.

(((((DPS)))))...many safe hugs for all within, esp the little ones...you are a dear sweet one....praying for a calmer safer tomorrow for you....

[COLOR="Cyan"((((((((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))))))
hi dps! beads sorry it is so har far you. you so beautifully put what it can feels like to live as DIDer . you have quite a gift far writeign!!!!!! thank you so much far shareign. you haver managed to put down it words that which only remains stuck in beads throat because she cannot even speak (are write) this stuff.
you are such an amazing person. dps, beads want to let you know we hear far you, and iffen you ever need ta talk,
feel free. the door is open. please chck your pm's.
sendign our goodest,
all of us beadies[/COLOR]

omgoodness! Dearest dps, I think I responded to this before I read it. I made a post about something similar but it was for all of us who feel this way. To let everyone know that they are supported in a way that they don't have to worry about.

You have been through so much and I know how the body aches with the memories and the pain of them.

Be just who you are and who you are developing to be. It isn't always just about the journey....it is about the roads we take and the outcome. You are doing ok, you may not realise it but from the first post of yours I read you have developed and made changes. Do this at your own pace and when you are ready, take the next step. Only you can walk your journey, only you can live your life; we can walk with you, behind you or in front of you if you like. All of the decisions now are yours,

Safest gentle hugs and safest unconditional love

Rhiannon

oh dear dps, you know i care so much about you. i can't find the words to answer your heartfelt post, but please accept this as a token of my love and admiration of you, and always, always, my support from deep within my heart for your courageous journey to healing. you are not alone at all, not anymore.

((((((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))

Still thinking of you, knowing how you feel, knowing exactly what it feels like.

Being attacked happens in so many ways and there is always someone there who is ready to attack privately and pretend to be so nice publicly, that confuses, hurts, causes a split to bring out the strongest one so that the core can rest and heal, or hurt themself in the privacy of their own world.

Dearest dps, you don't deserve to hurt, you don't deserve the pain. I know just how very hard it is for you to post and I know how difficult it is to worry about pain and rejection, pain and desolation, pain and loss of identity which is slit into so many pieces.

We are still with you, and always will be,

Rhiannon

(((dps)))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((dps))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

dps bead wantsa let you know that we are still hear w/ you, and care about you very meuch. also, eads remember back when we first joined pc............you was the first person who reached out their hand to us. beads will never forget your kindness...back then, and still now. iffen anything beads can do ta help, please know that we will try her goodest.
sending peaceful thunkeds,
all of us beadies

(((DPS))))
Hey... I cant read your post right now... mentaly but really wanted to let you know I care.. I will read it when I am emotional y ready until then know you are in my thoughts. (((((hugs))))
I wish you the best!
and You do matter!