After a few really good days today has felt really hard. Right from the moment I went to bed last night - too late, with one daughter having not been able to get off to sleep and with marking not done that needed doing before the lesson.

Got in to find technician was out ( am ICT coordinator in a middle school). This has all sorts of repercussions, not least that I need to update our school website tomorrow and this can't be done from school. I'm getting pressure from the head to update, but can only do it at home, with all kinds of problems in terms of getting the files from school to home, not to mention the fact that I try not to work in the evenings.
Today is one of my heaviest teaching days as I teach in the ICT room nearly all day.
The technician greeted me with the need to update the web site - something which I can't do! She also started to tell me something that I just couldn't grasp. Another member of the support staff then told em she had ordered some books - but I didn't need them ordering, just paying for as they were on approval. On to lessons. Teaching in the ICT room is always hard workk as the pupils need so much support.
Today I was tackling something I knew would challenge my pupils - they have been writing a story and today were putting it into a book. The tool I needed (to turn off the track changes) was not on the pupils' toolbars, and I couldn't figure out how to do it - fortunately a pupil did. We were scanning, printing, reading comments, collecting merits, and in the middle of this I was trying to mark the last piece of pupils' work.
I had to cover for an absent colleague and that was a tough one - new class, very young, lots of challenging children.
I kept being given new pieces of paper all day and by the end of the day was shedding them everywhere. I need time to file them but I can't find it.
At the end of the day I had a club for my gifted and talented pupils, doing stop frame animation. Great fun but needs lots of organising and support at this stage. To add to that Orchestra had been cancelled, which meant I had brought in a saxaphone (younger daughter) and a cello (older daughtrer) for no particular reason. (We also took in school bags for both, PE bag for one. lunch box for two of us, my laptop and a spider - for the current "biggest spider" competition at school.)
Went to tell younger daughter to come along to the club as there was no orchestra - only to find she was feeling really unwell and had struggled through the day. Ended the session with her clinging to me and sobbing.
Got home to find hubby hadn't done anything at home - breakfast things till ont he table (guess who cleared the dishwasher this morning?) and no milk. So went straight out to supermarket, then came home and did said dishwasher - he had been playing computer games while I was out and possibly for a large proportion of the day. Younger daughtrer now tucked up on sofa; I bought tea for thema nd us.Feeling low, tired and anxious. Have taken valium which feels like something of a defeat - I was so pleased to have not taken them this week. Haven't been to the gym all week - rather surprisingly I do nt feel like going tonight, though I know I should. I am burdened with shoulds, but what I want to do is throw a sickie myself tomorrow. Not an option, sadly. And it looks like an evening of school work lies ahead of me.

Sorry to rant and be self pitying. Just feel the recent successes slipping away today and it scares me.

Caroline

[allthegirls6]

Caroline............................ Take a deap breath and look at what you have written. Today seems to have been one big SUCESS for you. All that organising, balancing, taking control and still you got there. The only people who seemed to have failed are your husband for not doing the chores and the person you had to cover for. It reads to me that you have had one hectic day and suceeded at everything that has been thrown at you.

YOU DID WELL CAROLINE

All the girls

[tamzinrose]

I totally agree! You rock! *Superhug and major kudos!*

[shadowdancer]

i completely agree! you have done great C!!!! wow, i think i'd have just thrown my hands up in the air and screamed! i think you've done beautifully and i think you deserved a valium, lol. i'd need a bottle!

definitely take a few minutes (at least) for you tonight. you deserve them more than you'll admit. i hope you get some restful sleep tonight and that tomorrow is nowhere near as aggravating. ((((((((((Caroline))))))))))

take care, my friend.
shadow

[Gemstone]

{{{{{{{{Caroline}}}}}}}}}}}

ty audrey but it certainly doesn't feel like a successful day at all. The person I had to cover for wasn't at fault - she was out with her class on a trip and I should have been teaching her class at the time.

I feel like one big failure right now. A colleague commented yesterday on how anxious both my daughters are / have been and said that they have clearly picked it up from me. I've tried so hard not to let them be anxious, to make them confident and to help them feel secure. Obviously I failed there too.

C

ty for the hug, tamzin.

Need it but can't feel I deserve it.

C

I hear you, shadow, but I feel such a failure tonight that I don't merit anything.

Always so much to do and so much expected of me.

ty for the hug, Gem.

C

[allthegirls6]

Caroline, thats a terrible thing for a colleague to say. Was she trying to hurt you by saying that?

I think you are wonderful

All the girls

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((caroline)))))))))))))))) what the person said is rude. i'm sorry that was said to you.

you appear to be a wonderful mom and highly involved...period. know that in your heart.

be safe,

kd

[shadowdancer]

i agree...what a rude thing to say! she had no business making a comment like that. you are a great mom, caroline. i wish my mom had been there for me half as much as you are there for your daughters. i think you've done a great job trying to help them be confident. heck, the fact that you even care whether they are confident or not is a huge improvement over many. don't let this rude person make you feel like a failure. you are NOT.

(((((((((((((((((caroline))))))))))))))))))))


shadow

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Caroline )))))))))))))

Please try not to internalise other people's judgements... I know it can be hard.
I am sure you are aware that anxiety can be at least partly genetic.

[tamzinrose]

Well you DO deserve it. That and lots more! *Superhug* You deserve hugs and love and happiness and health and wealth and sucess...and all of that for everyone you love too!

Thank you all but I feel really beaten by this comment. No, she was not trying to be rude. She said that both my girls are anxious (this came up in a conversation and I agreed)> I said I didn't know what more I could do and she said that both of them seem to feel the need to be perfect and that she saw that in me too (which is true) and they have obviously picked it up from me.
I have tried SO hard not to let them see my anxieites. I don't talk about not doing things well enough in front of them. I have always praised them for their efforts and stressed that trying hard is good enough, that they don't have to be perfect,t hat they don't have to be best. Hubby and I always stress how we are not good at everything. We celebrate the things they are good in and praise them for their efforts in things they are not good at. But she was very much saying that they are like they are becausee of me, that they have picked it up from e even if I haven't meant them to. It all comes down to me - but I have really tried and my trying isn't good enough.

I feel such a failure and so guilty. They would, have been better off without me.

C

You are NOT a failure.

You are a kind, gentle and caring person who happens to be going through a very difficult time. You are not alone in this...we are here for you. One day you hold me up, the next day I'll hold you. That's how friendships work.

((((( Caroline's group )))))
Petunia

[Fuzzybear]

well I still think she was rude and insensitive.

she is entitled to her opinions but it wasn't necessary to voice them

do you think depression could be talking to you?

Also, I am not being rude, but I have noticed you say "yes but" a lot.

I did that once with a doctor and never again.... I hope

I didn't realise I said yes but a lot.
I'm sorry
I'll try not to do it again.