[invisigirl]

I feel totally overwhelmed right now.

I read The Stranger in the Mirror over the last 4 days. I finally felt that some things had really been confirmed and felt ready to address it with my T on Monday. Last night my husband made a comment about me never telling him anything, and that really hurt.. I felt like a horrible wife. Today he asked if I need to switch doctors because my T doesn't seem to be 'helping'. But I've only been seeing her since October and all we've talked about are little-ish things having to do with depression and my lack of motivation.. I haven't talked to her about anything having to do with anxiety, flashbacks, or dissociation.. I just wasn't sure how to. So I don't know how to tell him that it's not her fault, it's mine because I just don't know how to express these things.

I feel like he's annoyed with me and just wants me to 'get better already'. I feel, again, like there is just no room or time in my life for all this. I need to just let it all go and put it in the past so I can move on with my life. Just ignore it and make it go away. I need to be someone else because there is no room for ME here.

He brought it up because I had mentioned I've had headaches all week and he was wondering if I was taking anything for it. I don't because it rarely does anything good and I don't want to damage my organs from habitual pain reliever use when it doesn't even make much of a difference and I know I will wake up with another headache tomorrow.

It made me want to cancel my appointment on Monday and just stop T. Stop reading, stop looking for answers to the questions in my head, stop trying to understand the ones inside and just pretend they're not there until they go away.

But I don't think I can do that. Not when I finally feel ready to address this. I don't think he really meant what he said anyway. I think it came from his concern and frustration over seeing me like this... it's been a bad week. Normally he is so supportive and patient with me.. But I feel like such an epic failure at life right now.

[kasva]

(((((((((invisigrl)))))))))))) im sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. i hope that your next week is much better. Take Care....kasva

[Catlovers141]

((((invisigirl)))) Sorry you are going through this and that you are feeling overwhelmed.

Could you try writing down what you want to say to T? Or even start by saying to T that it is difficult to say?

I wouldn't recommend stopping therapy. Sometimes the things we are running away from are what we need to face in some form. It isn't a race, and you don't need to say everything at once, but even if you could just let T know that there is something you want to say but don't know how to. That is how I started, and I still haven't told her what it is yet, but for the past few weeks we have been talking about why it is hard and what can be done to make it a little easier. I am just using my personal experience example to illustrate that your T probably won't push you to say what it is, but they might try to make you feel more comfortable and see where you are hesitating.

[krazy_phoenix]

((((((((((((invisigirl))))))))))))), if ok.

[invisigirl]

thanks all.. I feel a little better after T yesterday.. I did mention my dissociation to her in our session. she didn't have much to say aside from asking if it's like normal forgetting (ie, not fully paying attention) or actual memory gaps. then she asked about how my depression is, if I'm coping ok, and about suicidal thoughts. it was sort of mentioned in passing since we had SO much to talk about yesterday.. perhaps we'll discuss it more next time.

my husband seems to have calmed down a bit about it all.. I think the main thing is that (like me) he is scared about what's to come. we both know that as I dig a bit deeper in T, things will get worse. he already feels like things are pretty bad and says he's not always comfortable leaving me with the kids. but what can we do? still.. all the more reason to take things slow. I can understand his desire to hurry up and get it over with - but ripping off this band-aid too quickly will just result in worse injury.

[Catlovers141]

I agree that you should take things slow. It is great to work hard and not want to "waste" unnecessary time, but you need to accomplish what you set out to do in therapy. And if you go too fast, you may get overwhelmed and at that point there could be a chance that things get unsafe. If that happens, things may take even longer than if you had decided to take your time in the first place.

Being afraid of what is to come is all the more reason to take it slow. It can be useful to take a small step, and then just sit with it for a bit to see how it feels before moving on to the next thing. If you go too fast you won't be paying attention and you may not notice as easily when things are starting to go wrong.