bad session with T and H.
I want to go away.
Too much hurt
Too much anger
no safe place
T gone for weekend and I need a safe place and someone to hold me.
Crystal

[Mahali]

Hi Crystal,

Do you have a safe place you can go? Is there a safe room? Can you talk to w_i about this or is Vicki there?

place

[Gemstone]

{{{{{Crystal}}}}}

You can come to the safe room here if you would like.

Im sorry you hurt.

(((((((Crystal))))))))

Sorry it was such a hard session for you. Can you take a long bubbly bath? That sometimes helps me.

C

((((((everyone)))))
glad you are here. I'm just so tired and so down. much happened last night and I'm still not getting over it all. w_i has been trying to ground herself, but we're not helping at all. deedee and I just keep coming front. Amber is so much in a rage and it is very scary inside. we can't let Amber out again unless we are very very safe.
What can we do?
Crystal

Crystal, I wish I could suggest something.

Maybe you just need some space, some time? Can you make quiet space for yourselves? What about exercise? Is that possible? I know it sometimes helps me. I'd go and swim now if I could, but I tried earlier and am just too physically exhausted as well as emotionally fragile.

Anger is scary. Can you find a way that Amber can express herself in a safe way? What about making some angry pictures or poems?

Failing that, can you distract yourelves some way? Or block it out (sleeping tablets or alcohol are my last ditch resorts) to give yourself space?

Be safe.

Caroline

We took a walk, played with the dogs did laundry
we have a cup of tea brewing
watched cartoons with the littles and ate peanut butter and marshmellow fluff sandwhiches, their favorite.
took a nap.
just so tired and hoping that Amber will get tired soon and just settle down.
T says that Amber has a lifetime of rage. She has been with us since the beginning we think. She has held all the anger and all the rage from childhood abuse through now. Between her and I we will be in therapy till we die I think!!
Crystal

((((Crystal))))))))))
(((((((((((amber))))))))))
((((((((((w-i)))))))))
((((((((((all of you)))))))))))

Glad you were able to help yourselves.
C

I know its scarey knowing a violent memory piece is there. While in the memory piece of Margo I threw a table at my therapist at that time.

One minute we are sitting there talking about my son being taken and put into foster care the second time and the next Im sitting there trying to come back from la la land and the room a disaster. my therapist is nowhere to be seen. I fade in and out of my la la land and suddenly my therapist is back. She had to notify the supervisor and find out what to do since usually the police/ambulance are called when a client is violent and out of control. She was told I can control this and to end the appointment. By the next appointment my therapist had talked with some DID professionals and found out that violent alters can be controlled. The person in a memory piece can only act out the information contained in the memory that has been triggered. Already stored memories can not be changed as inthe content already there but new information can be added to that memory content. Every time a memory piece is being "rerun" the 5 senses are still recording what is happening at that moment. So all my therapist had to do was tell me when I was in that memory piece that throwing things at her was unacceptable and tell me other things I can do instead. For a while she had to keep telling me that both when I was aware and when I was in memory pieces so that all my memory peices would contain that new memory content. Once that information was stored as a memory of her telling me this there is no way that I can throw things at her anymore. We did this process for each memory piece we knew about so that no matter which memory piece now that I am in there is no danger, Because a person with DID can only act out what the stored memory content is,

In order for you to act out like this in the present while in the memory piece of "Amber" somewhere in the past you were in a situation where you had to do this to get out of the situation. You cant go back and change that situation to change the memory but you can add to what is already there by having your therapist tell you the next time you are in the memory piece Amber that you are not to do it again and you won't be able to kick out in anger ever again while in the memory piece Amber. For safety sake I would also suggest that amber not be the only memory piece you are in when being told this so that no matter what memory piece you are in in the future you will not be able to kick out and hurt yourself again.

I know that having a violent memory piece is scary, it still scares me but It getting easier for me because it has been three years from the day I threw that table and It has never happened again even though I ended up in the memory piece of margo many times since then.

Take care.

Thank you myself.
We are doing better today.
Crystal

Glad to hear that, Crystal.

Keep on being kind to yourselves.

Caroline

You're welcoma and glad things have settled down a bit for you. Hang in there. I promise it gets better with work, time, (and the occasional one step forwards and two back in the process)