Embarrassment over my actions

Yesterday, while visiting my vet's office, one of the techs came out from behind the counter and we hugged (just something we do from time to time), only this time, my hand landed not on her back to pat it but on her bottom by accident. I was mortified. She had just told me that my name came up in conversation with one of the technicians. She said this smiling, but I felt threatened due to a very personal thing I shared with her and I dissociated. Sometimes when I dissociate, I have little control over my arms and hands, they feel disconnected from my body and I think this is what happened.

No amount of explaining could cover up this very embarrassing moment.

And that is not all. Several months prior to this while in the same vets office, this same technician went outside to talk to a pet's owner and I got up and locked the door.... I locked her out of the vet's office I immediately let her in when she came to the door, but still........... I locked her out of the clinic. Initially I thought it was funny, but in reality, it wasn't funny and very inappropriate.

I find with this vet technician, on some level, I feel very playful around her and a kid part comes out which I cannot control.

Driving to my next destination after my hand went to an inappropriate part of this tech's body, I discovered that I was dissociated, very overwhelmed and ungrounded. When I arrived at my next destination, I wondered why I had driven so far and this errand really wasn't necessary. I remember going in (problem with my cable) and went over and over and over my issue and there was a need I remember feeling that the customer service rep couldn't give me. I remember standing there thinking to myself.... why am I saying all this, this customer service rep cannot meet my needs and I was having a need, but not sure what it was. It wasn't until I got home (a safe place) that I began to breath normally, feel like I was coming back into myself and feeling more grounded.

Today, I am mortified over my actions *crying* I love my vet and have been going there for years, in fact I used to work there. But now, with these two experiences, I feel I should not go back ever again.

Should I call her and talk to her about this? I don't know what I am expecting her to say that will ease my dis-ease over all this. I don't even know what I want her to say.

I'm soo confused

( ( ( ( june bug ) ) ) )
just wan tto send safe thoughts,
there are times we still have to make the same choices.
hope those witin you find a peaceful out.

Thank you Anderson

Personally I prefer to ignore these slight embarrassments. I find they usually just fade into the background if left alone. Whereas trying to explain usually makes matters worse. It does sound like one of your parts connected with that person. I feel a little chat with that part of you about inappropriate behaviour might be more productive.

June_Bug,
Not that this has happened in our experience but the essence of your post above made us remember the feelings of disconnections within a timeframe, going from one thing to another. Remember, there is a reason and there is a way figure it all out.

Keep up the good work of recognizing. Good inner dialogue has helped considerably and saying 'whoops or sorry' is good too, if you have an adult that can protect you for next time.

Yes, you are spot on Korin I feel very childlike and playful in her presence. There is a part of me who gets out of control in her presence. I spoke to the practice manager yesterday about this mishap and she assured me not to worry about it, that the employee had not shared any of this with her. But you are right, that saying too much can make it much worse.

Working in a veterinary practice is a contact sport. I was shocked my first week at this clinic, 4 years ago, with soo much body contact while handling animals. I was used to sitting behind a desk for 30 years with no bodily contact with my co-workers.

Still, I am going to find times when I know this particular person will not be there to visit this practice going forward.

I need to start working with my parts, I have denied their existence long enough. Recently my parts have been out of control and acting out in public.

Hi Hunny I say to myself "all adult parts forward" before I go into any business establishment but I'm like a levy, where leaks spring all around me and I don't have enough fingers to plug the holes and keep everyone contained.

You're doin' fine June_Bug, just fine. Keep up the good work and know you are not alone.

Thank you Hunny