[FullcircleClear]

Hi everyone,

I'm asking anyone here who is a trained Psychologist and/or Psychiatrist. It's my hope that at least I could get a label of sorts for what this is called. I've had some pretty significant trauma in my life(I'm 41, male and single). When I was 22, I had a friend who was murdered by a serial killer. When I was 23-27 I was stalked for 4 years. Also, I am the adult child of a mother who has been diagnosed with BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) and a father who has been diagnosed with NPD(Narcissistic Personality disorder). I left home fairly late(28 years old). I've been through a very high level of extreme emotional and verbal abuse for the first almost 30 years of life.

Anyway..my dilemma:
In the past calender year or so, I've had this feeling of..I see this name "Peter Ward" on my college graduation diploma and I look at my high school yearbook and there is someone whose photo bears a strong resemblance to mine with the same name. I even have vivid memories of events, stories,etc. of this guy named Peter Ward. And yet?(this being the problem). I feel like I am NOT him.

I almost feel like I remember the memories of this guy and details about his life..except I feel like those memories did not happen to ME. I feel like I am looking at those memories almost as a 3rd person. Like they are in my mind..but almost like up on a movie screen..so there is "memory A" with no feeling like it happened experientially TO ME.

There is another important facet to all of this. I DON'T believe that I am experiencing multiple personality disorder since doesn't MPD mean that someone has distinct different mannerisms, actions, behaviors, tastes, ways of dress, etc. that all reside WITHIN the same person? So..I don't see "Peter Ward" on my drivers license and yet think "I'm Jeff Novak". What I experience INSTEAD is..I see "Peter Ward" on my drivers license and think "I don't recognize that guy, I'm not him", yet I don't have an ALTERNATE personality as far as different name, occupation, age, location, set of likes/dislikes,etc.

I've read this as symptoms associated with Dissociation or Dissociative Identity disorder. Can someone please tell me in their experience what this sounds like? Thank you.

Best wishes,
Peter(my actual name

[Omers]

Hey peter,
Welcome to PC (even if you are glad to be out of NY ... I was born and raised in NY and would love to move back.
Most of us here at PC are not professionals. It is more of a peer support system. IMO it would not be ethical for someone to diagnose you on the internet.
It does sound like you have some things to figure out and we are here to help support you in that process.

Hi Peter,
Welcome! I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist either. I think that to get correct diagnosis you really need to see either one of these. Finding the right one can be difficult though , as many dont believe in this disorder. What I can tell you from experience though , is that D.I.D comes in various forms. I personally am aware of various "young ones' or "alters" residing inside. I too have trouble recognising myself in the mirror. I feel "apart" from my adult self, especially when triggered by something. However, I funtion pretty normally in my everyday life, but always aware of the thoughts of these others. I think that there is a great misconception that people with D.I.D are completely crazy, which is unfortunate. I am now at the point where I am aware how and when each personality was created, each from a different trauma. The only time my adult self allows them to come out these days, is in the safety of the therapy room. It has taken many years and a lot of work. Dont be scared of these feelings, you can still live a fully functional normal life. Good luck with finding a therapist.

[Korin]

FullcircleClear,

I can relate. I'm the oldest of five and when my sisters talk about when we were young it's like they were talking about another sister. I don't remember so much of what they talk about I just pretend I do.

It's almost like when I finally accepted that the 'danger' was gone I could finally come out and be myself.

Does that make sense?

Welcome to the forum.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by FullcircleClear

Hi everyone,

I'm asking anyone here who is a trained Psychologist and/or Psychiatrist. It's my hope that at least I could get a label of sorts for what this is called. I've had some pretty significant trauma in my life(I'm 41, male and single). When I was 22, I had a friend who was murdered by a serial killer. When I was 23-27 I was stalked for 4 years. Also, I am the adult child of a mother who has been diagnosed with BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) and a father who has been diagnosed with NPD(Narcissistic Personality disorder). I left home fairly late(28 years old). I've been through a very high level of extreme emotional and verbal abuse for the first almost 30 years of life.

Anyway..my dilemma:
In the past calender year or so, I've had this feeling of..I see this name "Peter Ward" on my college graduation diploma and I look at my high school yearbook and there is someone whose photo bears a strong resemblance to mine with the same name. I even have vivid memories of events, stories,etc. of this guy named Peter Ward. And yet?(this being the problem). I feel like I am NOT him.

I almost feel like I remember the memories of this guy and details about his life..except I feel like those memories did not happen to ME. I feel like I am looking at those memories almost as a 3rd person. Like they are in my mind..but almost like up on a movie screen..so there is "memory A" with no feeling like it happened experientially TO ME.

There is another important facet to all of this. I DON'T believe that I am experiencing multiple personality disorder since doesn't MPD mean that someone has distinct different mannerisms, actions, behaviors, tastes, ways of dress, etc. that all reside WITHIN the same person? So..I don't see "Peter Ward" on my drivers license and yet think "I'm Jeff Novak". What I experience INSTEAD is..I see "Peter Ward" on my drivers license and think "I don't recognize that guy, I'm not him", yet I don't have an ALTERNATE personality as far as different name, occupation, age, location, set of likes/dislikes,etc.

I've read this as symptoms associated with Dissociation or Dissociative Identity disorder. Can someone please tell me in their experience what this sounds like? Thank you.

Best wishes,
Peter(my actual name

ok first thing you need to know about us mental health providers that are here on psych central. we are not allowed to practice out profession here and we are not allowed to make diagnostic evaluations on the members of psych central. we are here for support when we need it for ourselves, lend an ear and give our opinions. in other words when we are here we are just like you and all the other members here at psych central who may be plumbers, day care providers, unemployed, disabled what ever. we dont practice our professions on each other no matter what those professions may be.

the only way you will find out what your problems are is by contacting medical and mental health providers located off line near you. make an appointment with your medical doctor and they can refer you for diagnostic testing.

in my opinion what can cause identity crisis and memory problems that you posted about? just about any and every medical problem and just about any and every mental disorder.

example for

me memory problems are a part of dissociative amnesia, dissociative fugue, dissociative Identity Disorder, Bipolar disorder, anxiety disorder, medication reactions, stress, depression PTSD, ...

some of my clients these problems are part of their having schizophrenia, schizo affective disorder, PTSD, depression, Alzheimers, sleep deprivation, anemia, blunt force trauma to the head, ...

contact your treatment providers they can help you figure out what is the problem by doing complete medical and mental evaluations.

[possum220]

Omers and Kindergirl are right. If you want a professional opinion you need to see a real therapist that relates to this area.

When you ring said person ask them or their receptionist if they deal in this area.

Good Luck.

[Phoboxyl]

Yes, I think I know what's wrong with you Peter if I may use myself as an example. In eighth grade I had a panic attack that took the form of a cataclysmic dissociate episode. I was lying in my bed starting at the ceiling, sweating, and unusually anxious even for how anxious I was at that time. Then all of the sudden BAM! I didn't know who I was, my own name, who my mother was, anything. It was absolutely terrifying, PURE TERROR like the kind you could imagine only in hell. That episode slowly came down over the next few hours and then further over the next few days. It took me a few hours for example to remember all the details about myself. Anyway, from that point onward for another 6 months or so, I was in a constant state of low-level dissociation intermittent with intense dissociative panic attacks. During this time I did not feel that I was myself but rather that I was a person transplanted into this other kid's body, give his memories, and knowing all about him, and yet not being him. It was as if I could at any moment be sucked out of my body and into another person's body, get their memories, know about them, and feel that this was the real me all along and that I was back. Of course this never happened to me and the episode ended when I came clean to my mom about what was worrying me. But this was the feeling I had during those 6 months. I would see my picture, see my name, see my body, feel my arms moving and my mouth working as I spoke, and I would feel..this isn't my body, those aren't my friends, that's not my mom. This is all wrong, I'm not this person, I've been put in this person's body and life somehow. I shouldn't be here.

And it seems to me that you are experiencing the very same thing. You know who you are experientially and you know that it doesn't match with "Peter Ward". I strongly suspect that you are having a dissociative episode and I'm willing to bet it's been getting stronger over a period of days or weeks. It didn't hit you all at once like it did me but it's gradually working up to full strength.

Whatever the case, I think you should go get professional help immediately. That's a very scary and horrifying feeling that you are describing and you need to fix it right away. Also, if I am right about it being panic disorder then it could result in acute episodes in which you feel you are going to die, can't control yourself, don't know who you are at all (name, mother, etc), or other horrible things. Get it checked out and medicated and then eliminate this **** before it gets any deeper. That's my advice.