Okay when I look back at my childhood I often see my childhood as if different children lived at different times. Like the three year old chelsea was not the same as the six year old chelsea. Like completely distinct lives. I can remember a memory I had, but it doesn't go into line with any other memories I've had as a child. Even at same ages.

I don't have a lot of memories of childhood. But sometimes things will remind me.

Like I can suddenly have a memory about putting colored marshmallows in my hot chocolate when I was little, when I see colored marshmallows on the shelf at walmart. Then a few days later I'll find an ornament I made as a child and after awhile of looking at it, finally remember that I made it. But the child who drank hot chocolate and the child who made the ornament were not the same child. Like they lived completely separate.

I don't know how to explain it. I just know it doesn't come from the same "memory box". I imagine toy chests filled with memories sitting in front of me. Each toy chest has a different set of memories in it. And those two memories came from two different toy chests. I'm not really sure how exactly I can tell the difference between "toy chest 1" and "toy chest 14", I usually can't. I just have a inward feeling when memories come from different chests. Like the difference in feeling silk and felt. You just know they're different.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I understand completely... I feel absolutely no connection with my past as of this moment... Sometimes I do more so than others... I know the connection is there because I suffer the pain from it.. But about 85% of my life I feel no connection with my childhood. As if it were another child going through all of it. I often look back and think "that can't be me" but moments like today and yesterday, where I've been highly triggered I know it was me...

My old therapist found it very interesting that when I spoke of my past trauma, that I said it with a straight face no tears shed or even a blink. I said it kind of robotically as if I were telling the story of someone I had read in the papers. But reading those stories in the papers I am much much much more involved emotionally in the wellbeing of the child than I am in the well being of my inner child but that's a whole new story...

Basically her idea is that I had an alter created specifically for erasing emotions. Apparently that's not at all unheard of. This alter apparently blocks emotions connected to my past so I can live normal. I have memory blackouts and she described it as very similar only instead of losing memories I'm losing emotions. This also explains my auto pilot responses when I'm in a more dissociative state.

Perhaps this could be the reason you feel no connection? With dissociation it can definately cause you to feel seperate from everything you knew before, I'm pretty sure that's a guideline to in some way feel unconnected to your past or who you are as a person at least some of the time... If that's not a guideline sorry, I'm not a t but I'm pretty sure it is...

This kind of thing can be both good and bad. It's helped me personally to never be suicidal and have a somewhat normal functioning life for the most part. If I did feel like that abuse had happened to me, who knows where I would be. The downfall though is it causes so much confusion and so much... Unpleasant feelings in relation to it. I hope you find your answers but you are not alone in this...

Unfortunately us with these dissociative symptoms have such bizzaare things happen and it's so rare it's hard to tell what is and what is not dissociatively related.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

The whole "parts" and "pieces" or your childhood... Same here, even to this day. I can tell the phases of my life changing... I can't feel it when it happens or even know it's happening but like... I was married for 4 years and left him 2 years ago... I don't feel any connection with that past life any longer. As if it never happened to me. If he wasn't such a jerk about my daughter perhaps I would forget about him all together. I hardly remember much with him... Although I did not know I was losing any time at all. Only haze do I really remember. Before that seemed to be a different person than the last... I just always looked at it as phases of me... But I guess it could possibly be parts of me... Are you seeing a T?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

Okay when I look back at my childhood I often see my childhood as if different children lived at different times. Like the three year old chelsea was not the same as the six year old chelsea. Like completely distinct lives. I can remember a memory I had, but it doesn't go into line with any other memories I've had as a child. Even at same ages.

I don't have a lot of memories of childhood. But sometimes things will remind me.

Like I can suddenly have a memory about putting colored marshmallows in my hot chocolate when I was little, when I see colored marshmallows on the shelf at walmart. Then a few days later I'll find an ornament I made as a child and after awhile of looking at it, finally remember that I made it. But the child who drank hot chocolate and the child who made the ornament were not the same child. Like they lived completely separate.

I don't know how to explain it. I just know it doesn't come from the same "memory box". I imagine toy chests filled with memories sitting in front of me. Each toy chest has a different set of memories in it. And those two memories came from two different toy chests. I'm not really sure how exactly I can tell the difference between "toy chest 1" and "toy chest 14", I usually can't. I just have a inward feeling when memories come from different chests. Like the difference in feeling silk and felt. You just know they're different.

Lydia I was that way until I integrated. each one of my alters had their own purposes /jobs / lives/ how they chose to live their life/ how they behaved - acted / what emotions they felt / they even had their own memories. Some had their own bank accounts / external jobs as well as internal jobs / Clothing styles / some drank / some smoked/ some liked to visit bars and pick up guys and gals / this one liked and had a dog that one liked and had a cat /

at first I was so worried about having alters that were not like me but my therapist told me its pretty standard to have alters with such clear distinctions of who / what they are and that every system of alters has at least two of these kinds of alters. some people have more but all people diagnosed with DID have at least two of these kinds of alters. That put an end to my worrying about my alters and I being so different from each other and they from other alters. She thought it was funny when I told her "at least I am normal about one thing - its normal to have alters like this"

[aries2217]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

The whole "parts" and "pieces" or your childhood... Same here, even to this day. I can tell the phases of my life changing... I can't feel it when it happens or even know it's happening but like... I was married for 4 years and left him 2 years ago... I don't feel any connection with that past life any longer. As if it never happened to me. If he wasn't such a jerk about my daughter perhaps I would forget about him all together. I hardly remember much with him... Although I didi not know I was losing any time at all. Only haze do I really remember. Before that seemed to be a different person than the last... I just always looked at it as phases of me... But I guess it could possibly be parts of me... Are you seeing a T?

I can very much relate to what you say about feeling no connection to a past or past relationships...same here. Was in a three year relationship and remember, like you say, a "haze". For me, if it weren't for old journal entries and letters, I'd have no recollection of any of that part of my life...and even when I do come across a physical memory, it is hard to place as part of my own past reality...

[hermeand]

This sparked a memory , more than one, of things I have made. One is at my dad's, and one is at my brother's. The one that is at my dad's is of a really pretty floral arrangement. I was there oh a few years ago and saw it, and thought, gosh I wish I could make something so pretty. Then, not really sure how, I thought maybe I made it and I had to ask, and they said yes.

Another time I was at my brother's and saw a really cool candle on one of his shelves. Same thing. I really liked it, then remembered one year I made candles for everyone. I asked, did I make this? and he said yes.

I'm pretty sure this is not the kind of alter experience you are describing. Just wanted to share my memory! Gentle cyber hugs if ok to you!