[IsabellaB]

So I'm a 14 year old girl. I'm on 50 mgs of Zoloft for depression. I've been in a psych ward twice, once for suicidal thoughts and once for ODing. It's really hard for me to refer to myself as myself, because I don't know who I am. I feel like in my brain, there is my mind and some characters. My mind controls everything and knows everything and desides what my character acts like. It doesn't feel my characters emotions as strongly. Like metaphorically, it would be like my mind is a writer of a book, and my characters are the characters the writer is writing about. I can't tell if my mind is saying this or my character. I can't tell who knows the truth. My mind always seem logical and it always formally says things, about how I'm acting crazy when I feel like this. But I don't know if my character knows shes crazy or not. I don't really know how to explain it very well. I've been feeling this for about 3 days. Before that I was depressed, and had ideas always about characters and stuff, but now it's getting more intense. Now, I get into these fits where I want very badly to scream at myself and my mind and just tell it to stop! When I get into these fits, I have to start hitting my head a bunch. I feel like I can't fathom any of this, because it doesn't make sense! When I do bad things, like steal my sisters pot, or steal money from my mom to buy pot or cigs, my character feels really bad but my mind doesn't. Because my mind doesn't think of itself as my character I don't think. I'm not really sure though. I keep doing really scary things. I keep using pictures of people I think are good looking and use them for fakes on websites, including adult websites. Like, sex sites. And it's because I want to be them. So I talk to people on them and make up a whole story for the fake and start befriending people. I feel very weird about it. I can't stop though. I feel like therapy won't help because all it will do will heal my character, but still my evil mind will be there. When it thinks, it does not sound like a voice in my head. I think it just sounds like thinking. I'm not sure though. I'm really scared that I'm going crazy. It's like my mind can be all logical about it but my character can't! I don't know if my character thinks I'm crazy or not. I've told my psychiatrist a little about it but I don't see him again for 3 weeks, and I don't see my therapist until the 10th. I feel like I'm just growing more and more crazy. I'm so scared. Advice?

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by IsabellaB

So I'm a 14 year old girl. I'm on 50 mgs of Zoloft for depression. I've been in a psych ward twice, once for suicidal thoughts and once for ODing. It's really hard for me to refer to myself as myself, because I don't know who I am. I feel like in my brain, there is my mind and some characters. My mind controls everything and knows everything and desides what my character acts like. It doesn't feel my characters emotions as strongly. Like metaphorically, it would be like my mind is a writer of a book, and my characters are the characters the writer is writing about. I can't tell if my mind is saying this or my character. I can't tell who knows the truth. My mind always seem logical and it always formally says things, about how I'm acting crazy when I feel like this. But I don't know if my character knows shes crazy or not. I don't really know how to explain it very well. I've been feeling this for about 3 days. Before that I was depressed, and had ideas always about characters and stuff, but now it's getting more intense. Now, I get into these fits where I want very badly to scream at myself and my mind and just tell it to stop! When I get into these fits, I have to start hitting my head a bunch. I feel like I can't fathom any of this, because it doesn't make sense! When I do bad things, like steal my sisters pot, or steal money from my mom to buy pot or cigs, my character feels really bad but my mind doesn't. Because my mind doesn't think of itself as my character I don't think. I'm not really sure though. I keep doing really scary things. I keep using pictures of people I think are good looking and use them for fakes on websites, including adult websites. Like, sex sites. And it's because I want to be them. So I talk to people on them and make up a whole story for the fake and start befriending people. I feel very weird about it. I can't stop though. I feel like therapy won't help because all it will do will heal my character, but still my evil mind will be there. When it thinks, it does not sound like a voice in my head. I think it just sounds like thinking. I'm not sure though. I'm really scared that I'm going crazy. It's like my mind can be all logical about it but my character can't! I don't know if my character thinks I'm crazy or not. I've told my psychiatrist a little about it but I don't see him again for 3 weeks, and I don't see my therapist until the 10th. I feel like I'm just growing more and more crazy. I'm so scared. Advice?

Before my diagnosis I thought I was "crazy" but now I know that I have a specific disorder that can be treated. The fact that you are concerned with some of your behavior means you are not "crazy". You most likely have a disorder that is treatable with therapy and medication. I am better now than I was before I understood what caused me to act certain ways. I hope you share your post with you therapist. I think that will give you and her/him a great opportunity to discuss your concerns. It is difficult sometimes for me to bring things up in therapy. But when I write them down and give them to my therapist it opens the door for discussion. You are not crazy. You just need some help with working things out. This is a new year and a new beginning. Take care of yourself and keep talking about how you feel.

[hermeand]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

Before my diagnosis I thought I was "crazy" but now I know that I have a specific disorder that can be treated. The fact that you are concerned with some of your behavior means you are not "crazy". You most likely have a disorder that is treatable with therapy and medication. I am better now than I was before I understood what caused me to act certain ways. I hope you share your post with you therapist. I think that will give you and her/him a great opportunity to discuss your concerns. It is difficult sometimes for me to bring things up in therapy. But when I write them down and give them to my therapist it opens the door for discussion. You are not crazy. You just need some help with working things out. This is a new year and a new beginning. Take care of yourself and keep talking about how you feel.

I agree with Clarity - I tell my son to tell the doctor what he tells me. He has problems talking and thinks he has social anxiety. This is my birthson I am talking about.

Yes and please keep posting about your thoughts and feelings, for yourself and to help you get to the next time you see your doctor, & because people here can listen, and because you can show what you write to your doctor. Welcome to PC -

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by IsabellaB

So I'm a 14 year old girl. I'm on 50 mgs of Zoloft for depression. I've been in a psych ward twice, once for suicidal thoughts and once for ODing. It's really hard for me to refer to myself as myself, because I don't know who I am. I feel like in my brain, there is my mind and some characters. My mind controls everything and knows everything and desides what my character acts like. It doesn't feel my characters emotions as strongly. Like metaphorically, it would be like my mind is a writer of a book, and my characters are the characters the writer is writing about. I can't tell if my mind is saying this or my character. I can't tell who knows the truth. My mind always seem logical and it always formally says things, about how I'm acting crazy when I feel like this. But I don't know if my character knows shes crazy or not. I don't really know how to explain it very well. I've been feeling this for about 3 days. Before that I was depressed, and had ideas always about characters and stuff, but now it's getting more intense. Now, I get into these fits where I want very badly to scream at myself and my mind and just tell it to stop! When I get into these fits, I have to start hitting my head a bunch. I feel like I can't fathom any of this, because it doesn't make sense! When I do bad things, like steal my sisters pot, or steal money from my mom to buy pot or cigs, my character feels really bad but my mind doesn't. Because my mind doesn't think of itself as my character I don't think. I'm not really sure though. I keep doing really scary things. I keep using pictures of people I think are good looking and use them for fakes on websites, including adult websites. Like, sex sites. And it's because I want to be them. So I talk to people on them and make up a whole story for the fake and start befriending people. I feel very weird about it. I can't stop though. I feel like therapy won't help because all it will do will heal my character, but still my evil mind will be there. When it thinks, it does not sound like a voice in my head. I think it just sounds like thinking. I'm not sure though. I'm really scared that I'm going crazy. It's like my mind can be all logical about it but my character can't! I don't know if my character thinks I'm crazy or not. I've told my psychiatrist a little about it but I don't see him again for 3 weeks, and I don't see my therapist until the 10th. I feel like I'm just growing more and more crazy. I'm so scared. Advice?

Hi Isabel welcome to psych central.

Im not sure what you are looking for in the way of advice. I dont see any questions other than the last word "advice"

I see in your post you are 14 yrs old and you are being treated for depression.

a bit about depression - it can make a person question things like who they are, what they want to be like, and can cause a person to have many different kinds of feelings such as confusion, sadness, feeling like you are crazy,

Depression can also make a person have delusional thoughts. thats things like believing in thoughts that are made up, not real like believing you are a character or have other alter egos that are good or bad that tell you things or believing in thoughts that have no facts to back them up like thinking you robbed a bank but theres no money or police reports to back that up. yes I know robbing a bank sounds way off its just an example so you can see my point.

Depression can also make people do things like stealing, telling lies, making up stories, invisible friends /characters and then acting out those stories and characters.

going on the internet as fake people hey people do that every day. in fact schools, parents, teachers tell children not to post their real stuff on line. to make up a profile that really isnt what they are like so that the bad guys on line cant hurt them. So in doing that you are doing nothing wrong. And I know many teen agers that explore the internet like you do by going on those websites their parents would not necessarily approve of and pretending to be who they are not, talk to the people on them, befriend them. I want to caution you on this though be very careful while you are exploring those websites and making up characters for you to be on them. you are not the only one on those websites that are not who they say they are. my advice here is let a real adult preferably your parents know you are on these less desirable /not for children sites and ask them if they can sit with you while you explore so they can help you stay safe. I dont believe these kinds of sites are for children and young teens but I also know its not up to me to tell someone else how to live their life and what to do. we dont do that here at psych central. we let each member make their own decisions on what to do about things they are posting. When ever I read children and young teens are on those adult sites I get a bit worried. So please consider letting an adult in your life know you are on those sites and would like someone to sit with you while you are on them.

You posted in the dissociative disorders board. we cant tell you if what you posted is a dissociative disorder. but we can tell you about dissociative disorders and tell you if something in your post jumps out at us that ****sounds**** like something we have gone through. only your doctors can tell you if you have a dissociative disorder.

there are 5 different mental problems that are called dissociative disorders..

Dissociative Amnesia - thats when you cant remember things because of mental things like you have been hurt or abused, remembering you have been hurt or abused causes too much stress, and is too painful to remember so your brain makes you not remember being hurt or abused.

Dissociative Fugue is like moving to some other town / city / state and starting a whole new life as someone else... a whole new job, new friends, new home... and you have no memory of your past ... you cant remember who your parents are, what school you went to, you dont remember your own name, you dont remember anything you have done yesterday, the day before and the day before ...you just snap out of it one day standing in a new town, new home, new friends and dont know how you got there and why and what you have done.

depersonalization is another dissociative disorder. this one just makes you feel like you are numb (have no feelings), things like that. you dont react to whats going on, someone you love dies and you just sit there watching, not crying not laughing. not confused, just not feeling anything, like you are just watching not participating, foggy headed and slow.

derealization is the opposite of depersonalization. the feelings are not about you, its feeling you are ok but everyone else is going crazy. like everyone is talking too fast or too slow, they are doing things that seem strange to you. and they have no connection to you. like everyone and everything around you isnt real.

then theres Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID)..this one is having all the other dissociative disorders plus having alternate personalities. the kind of personalities that is DID is the kind that go beyond being made up characters / invisible friends. Alters are like having 3 sometimes more than three people (you and two alters) living in the same house. only its the same body. each alter in the same body has their own life, clothes, things... the host (if you had this the host would be you) hears voices and and sometimes strange noises so the host cant tell what the voices are saying. changing into these alters doesnt happen because you want to be them it happens because the alters have a job to do like every one who has DID has protector alters that make it so that the host doesnt get hurt. theres also alters that will cry because its too dangerous for the host to cry, theres alters that show all kinds of emotions like anger/rage because the host cannot let them selves feel and show emotions.. The alters jobs are to do what ever the host cannot handle.

now things that jump out at me in your post..

I dont see anything that suggests you have dissociative fugue. you are able to write in detail about the things you have done in the past like stealing, lieing, visiting webistes, making up characters to be and nothing about traveling/ moving away from your family.

I dont see anything in your post that suggests you have depersonalization like you not having any feelings or emotions, you feeling numb. in your detailed post you used feeling words like feeling crazy, depressed, suicidal, logical minded, feeling weird.

I dont see anything that suggests derealization, you use the word fake and make up but those are used to discribe your "characters" not your mother, your sister, your therapist, psychiatrist, people on line..

I dont see anything in your post that suggests you have any form of amnesia .. no trauma, you remember your past, you know your sister and mother, you remember doing the things you have done, nothing about being hurt or abused. so that knocks out dissociative amnesia too.

now the DID you do write about having different characters and that your mind decides which character you are and what the characters do. but DID isnt like this. its the alters that decide what to do and when to take over not "the mind" the mind and alters are two different things.

the mind is your ability to think, the mind is your ability to be logical, the mind is your being totally aware of yourself and your surroundings and capable of taking care of yourself and capable of making your own decisions, the ability to feel, think and do the things you do.

An alternate personality is like you and your sister.. your sister can make her own decisions, your brain / mind isnt telling your sister what to do. if you had an alter your "mind" would not be telling them what to think and do. the alters would be completely separate from you and your mind.

my suggestion dont try to fit yourself into mental disorders. you are being treated for depression and everything you have posted does happen with depression. dont worry about having mental disorders and seeking them out online for you and your characters. let your therapist and psychiatrist know you are looking at mental disorders and want to know whats going on with you. they can tell you what your mental disorders are and how to get better so you dont feel so weird, crazy and will be able to control your thoughts, stealing, lying and all that stuff.