So I'm having issues with my psychiatrist. Before he would just claim that DID doesn't exist, blah blah I've written about it before and it was whatever, I didn't care, but now he's affecting my recovery. He doesn't think the trauma happened at all. He's telling my team this. He's influencing how they work with me. I had to drop my therapist, because he wouldn't listen to me about needing more structure while first uncovering memories.


Dr.


You're acting like this is all just some big game in my eyes. You're influencing an entire team and how they treat me. You seem to think that this trauma is all iatrogenic. That I pull it out of nowhere because Andy or Dr. M suggests I do. I mean com'n. I was claiming trauma long before I met either of them. Long before I did individual therapy at all. I would say Andy was my first individual therapist I ever spent more then a month with. Otherwise I was bounced back and fourth between psychiatric wards. Nobody had time to be "overly suggestive". And can you explain to me why I have PTSD? Why I had it long before I ever entered a psychiatric ward? Does that stuff just pop up?

You asked me "What if it doesn't exist". And what if it does? Do you realize how painful that is to hear from your psychiatrist that he doesn't believe you? I mean maybe you didn't use the words "I don't believe you", but you were pretty persistent in trying to tell me that my memories could be false. Obviously something effects me. Is the main point whether it happened or not? You want me to stay like I am? Do you know how uncomfortable I am? I question if you have any idea at all. You're my psychiatrist. You should. You're medications don't work for me. The best I ever did was when I was on Effexor 450 and only that medication. And now I'm all these drugs, I can barely move my body, I've gained a ton of weight, my cholesterol has skyrocketed. The edema in my feet is a constant. I don't leave my apartment, I'm terrified to shower and I don't even know why. I own 6 cans of pepper spray, I cut myself almost daily, I am binging and purging again, I have constant flashbacks and nightmares from the small amount of memories I do know and what is so comfortable about this? I have a suicide attempt on average once every two years. And when exactly am I going to succeed with that? Are you confident I won't? Because I'm not.

What the exact diagnosis is, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I have your support in my recovery, because mine may not look like everybody elses. I don't need you bringing denial back into this, when I fight constantly to make him leave. I know about what everyone says about repressed memories. They don't exist, therapists are suggestive, borderlines use the **** for attention, blah blah blah. Trust me I have looked for every reason in the book for them not to exist. You are trying SO hard at listening to what I am not saying, that you are completely ignoring what I am. I am not being manipulative. I'm not an easily suggestive person. Look you just suggested to me my memories weren't real and I said "***** you". Well actually I didn't quite say it that way, but consider it said.

Long before I met this team, or had any type of therapist I have had dissociative and PTSD diagnosis. I am considered disabled under the fact that I have a dissociative disorder and PTSD. I had over 20 doctors supporting it, because of the amount of psych wards I was in. Just because I haven't talked to you about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I went through a lot of trouble, trying to cover up records so this team couldn't see it. Why? Probably because I was terrified of a response similar to what you gave me. Because I've gotten that response in the past. I once got told by a psychiatrist the only thing wrong with me was that my mommy didn't spoon feed me enough. Trust me, I've heard it all. And I don't care. I am still sitting here suffering, long after being called a liar.

I know doctors all have their different beliefs about mental health. They have their own opinions and god knows where they stem from. Maybe they sat in on a lecture that says 70% of repressed memories never existed. Maybe they had an animate professor who said it was crap. Maybe they had a patient who faked it and so now they assume everyone is. I don't know. I don't care. If you don't believe in repressed memories, if you don't believe in EMDR, if you think DID is a load of ****, for my sake, keep it to yourself and just listen to what I need medication wise. (I need off everything except effexor, which needs to be increased). I realize you think you're only doing what's best for me. Saving me from memories that never existed. But let me save myself. I know myself better.

I am not playing games with you. I don't have that much energy. Even if I was playing games, I am well aware that this is a complete mental illness in and of itself and I wouldn't feel any less of myself to get treatment for it. I'll admit to you when I'm attention seeking. Ask me. Anytime and I'll tell you whether I am or not. Next time you see self harm, ask me. I'll tell you. I'm not afraid to admit that I sometimes ask for attention in odd ways. Yes I have cut myself for attention. I've starved myself (not recently) and I am sure I have even told trivial lies before, all in the name of attention. But it's really more like "Look at me, look how distressed I am, please help me". When people deny my pain, it makes the urges to attention seek with negative coping mechanisms, worse. I realize I am up there in intelligence and that it would probably be a little more difficult to decipher when I'm being manipulative. But in general I'm not manipulative. I will be honest with you about anything you ask. There are very few things I keep secret. I know that I'm only doing myself an injustice if I sit around playing games with people.
You don't have to believe me, one person isn't going to ruin my spirit, but don't influence an entire team on a subject that's easily deciphered differently, by different people. You're the leader. You're the one they're going to listen to. Don't make me worse, thinking you're making me better.

I think it's funny I highlighted the actual letter and print selected and the title came out "Letter to psychiatrist about his stupidity". I think I'll keep it.

[Trippin2.0]

Good for you!! I do not have the same challenges as you, but just wanted to reassure you that repressed memories are very real. When I was 18, during a meditation exercise we had to perform to strengthen the bond between classmates... These images came flooding into my brain, images of my older brother sneaking into my room at night... Images of me pretending to wake up, so he would make a run for it. I remember thinking "open your eyes, it will make him stop" and then that countered with "but he'll feel bad if he gets caught" i remember deliberately ruining my summer nightware, bcoz pajamas are like impossible to work around without waking your victim. I burst out CRYING infront of my entire class, and couldn't tell anybody what had just occurred in my brain. I pushed those thoughts aside, and rejoined my class. After that I questioned what else have forgotten (i've always had play by play memory) turns out I remember N0THING about 1994, the year i was 10... Only teacher I don't remember, don't remember who my school friends were that year, don't remember my birthday party of that year ( i can go into detail of each b.day from age 7 to 27, except that 1) anyway, didnt mean to ramble, but there's a year of my life, completely unaccounted for... To cut a long story short, i chose to forgive my brother, coz I didn't wanna tear my family apart, and I conciously decided not to try and remember the rest. You're the 1st person I've shared those details with, but I did it b.coz i think it's important you hear it. On a lighter note, I had NO recollection of my SIL (eldest brother's wife) joining us on our amazing holiday he treated me and my younger brother to LOL ( i have 3 brothers, hope that's clear in my post) anyway, b.coz eldest brother moved overseas shortly after that trip (I was 16 at the time) i had no photos. Years later after his brutal passing, I get his PC, and guess what I found OUR HOLIDAY PICS! But I could not for the life of me understand how SIL got into the shots! Little brother insists she was there, and i remember EVERYTHING we did on that trip, the restaurants, the caves we explored, the zoo, each hotel and b&b, but she's not in any of those memories. (btw if you hadn't guessed, SIL & I didn't get along)... I attempted therapy a few months ago, for my bipolar, but quit b.coz I don't want to dig up my past and remember things. Anyway, my apologies for this LONG response, I in no way meant to hijack your thread or derail it, just wanted you to know that I believe you, and no matter what your douchey pdoc thinks, he don't know jack! Hope you get the help you need. XOXO

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

So I'm having issues with my psychiatrist. Before he would just claim that DID doesn't exist, blah blah I've written about it before and it was whatever, I didn't care, but now he's affecting my recovery. He doesn't think the trauma happened at all. He's telling my team this. He's influencing how they work with me. I had to drop my therapist, because he wouldn't listen to me about needing more structure while first uncovering memories.


Dr.


You're acting like this is all just some big game in my eyes. You're influencing an entire team and how they treat me. You seem to think that this trauma is all iatrogenic. That I pull it out of nowhere because Andy or Dr. M suggests I do. I mean com'n. I was claiming trauma long before I met either of them. Long before I did individual therapy at all. I would say Andy was my first individual therapist I ever spent more then a month with. Otherwise I was bounced back and fourth between psychiatric wards. Nobody had time to be "overly suggestive". And can you explain to me why I have PTSD? Why I had it long before I ever entered a psychiatric ward? Does that stuff just pop up?

You asked me "What if it doesn't exist". And what if it does? Do you realize how painful that is to hear from your psychiatrist that he doesn't believe you? I mean maybe you didn't use the words "I don't believe you", but you were pretty persistent in trying to tell me that my memories could be false. Obviously something effects me. Is the main point whether it happened or not? You want me to stay like I am? Do you know how uncomfortable I am? I question if you have any idea at all. You're my psychiatrist. You should. You're medications don't work for me. The best I ever did was when I was on Effexor 450 and only that medication. And now I'm all these drugs, I can barely move my body, I've gained a ton of weight, my cholesterol has skyrocketed. The edema in my feet is a constant. I don't leave my apartment, I'm terrified to shower and I don't even know why. I own 6 cans of pepper spray, I cut myself almost daily, I am binging and purging again, I have constant flashbacks and nightmares from the small amount of memories I do know and what is so comfortable about this? I have a suicide attempt on average once every two years. And when exactly am I going to succeed with that? Are you confident I won't? Because I'm not.

What the exact diagnosis is, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I have your support in my recovery, because mine may not look like everybody elses. I don't need you bringing denial back into this, when I fight constantly to make him leave. I know about what everyone says about repressed memories. They don't exist, therapists are suggestive, borderlines use the **** for attention, blah blah blah. Trust me I have looked for every reason in the book for them not to exist. You are trying SO hard at listening to what I am not saying, that you are completely ignoring what I am. I am not being manipulative. I'm not an easily suggestive person. Look you just suggested to me my memories weren't real and I said "***** you". Well actually I didn't quite say it that way, but consider it said.

Long before I met this team, or had any type of therapist I have had dissociative and PTSD diagnosis. I am considered disabled under the fact that I have a dissociative disorder and PTSD. I had over 20 doctors supporting it, because of the amount of psych wards I was in. Just because I haven't talked to you about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I went through a lot of trouble, trying to cover up records so this team couldn't see it. Why? Probably because I was terrified of a response similar to what you gave me. Because I've gotten that response in the past. I once got told by a psychiatrist the only thing wrong with me was that my mommy didn't spoon feed me enough. Trust me, I've heard it all. And I don't care. I am still sitting here suffering, long after being called a liar.

I know doctors all have their different beliefs about mental health. They have their own opinions and god knows where they stem from. Maybe they sat in on a lecture that says 70% of repressed memories never existed. Maybe they had an animate professor who said it was crap. Maybe they had a patient who faked it and so now they assume everyone is. I don't know. I don't care. If you don't believe in repressed memories, if you don't believe in EMDR, if you think DID is a load of ****, for my sake, keep it to yourself and just listen to what I need medication wise. (I need off everything except effexor, which needs to be increased). I realize you think you're only doing what's best for me. Saving me from memories that never existed. But let me save myself. I know myself better.

I am not playing games with you. I don't have that much energy. Even if I was playing games, I am well aware that this is a complete mental illness in and of itself and I wouldn't feel any less of myself to get treatment for it. I'll admit to you when I'm attention seeking. Ask me. Anytime and I'll tell you whether I am or not. Next time you see self harm, ask me. I'll tell you. I'm not afraid to admit that I sometimes ask for attention in odd ways. Yes I have cut myself for attention. I've starved myself (not recently) and I am sure I have even told trivial lies before, all in the name of attention. But it's really more like "Look at me, look how distressed I am, please help me". When people deny my pain, it makes the urges to attention seek with negative coping mechanisms, worse. I realize I am up there in intelligence and that it would probably be a little more difficult to decipher when I'm being manipulative. But in general I'm not manipulative. I will be honest with you about anything you ask. There are very few things I keep secret. I know that I'm only doing myself an injustice if I sit around playing games with people.
You don't have to believe me, one person isn't going to ruin my spirit, but don't influence an entire team on a subject that's easily deciphered differently, by different people. You're the leader. You're the one they're going to listen to. Don't make me worse, thinking you're making me better.

I think it's funny I highlighted the actual letter and print selected and the title came out "Letter to psychiatrist about his stupidity". I think I'll keep it.

lydia I love it that you feel comfortable in expressing yourself with this psychiatrist.

if this was me though there are a couple changes I would make for me. I wouldnt just assume my psychiatrist doesnt believe me just because of the questions "what if it doesnt exist" "what if it does exist".

Around here where I live and work those two questions are just normal questions, in normal life people do lok at the pros and cons of just about everything they do and just about every issue. plus mental health providers during their schooling, training and internship. mental health providers are taught that its their job to have their clients look at the pros and cons of all their issues and form their own opinions/decisions about their life. asking a clinet what if their diagnosis (and any other issues I have) exists or doesnt exist is a basic therapeutic question I have been asked many times, by each of my treatment providers - mental and physical. its just one of those open the door to the conversation type questions around here.

when I get asked these questions my answers are things like what if my dissociative problems dont exist.. then I would be the happiest person in the world. no more fading, no more shrinking and morphing into being a wall, the bed, ceiling.. just being me enjoying work, enjoying boating, no need for constant vigilence and constant worry... yea I would so love to have my dissociation problems not exist. what if my dissociation problems exist well I would keep doing what Im doing.. using grounding, meeting with my therapist to discuss my problems and find my solutions and hope one day that all this work pays off.

once I answer those questions instead of letting them upset me for nothing we move on to other issues that need addressing.

Another thing I would change if I was writing this would be the wording of the first sentence. to my psychiatrist that sentence would sound like Im trying or attempting to read his mind (which is a whole other mental disorder lol) or experiencing transference (assuming how I feel is what he is doing or feeling) my mental health providers have taught me not to assume I know what they think of me, not to assume I know what they are thinking, not to assume I know what they are doing (which was a very hard thing for me not to do when I was training to be a mental health provider LOL) my mental health providers and I went over this kind of thing many many times.

my wording of the sentence / whole letter would be focused on how I was feeling not making statements like that first one that projects my feelings as what my psychiatrist thinks or does. instead of saying something that has the meaning of you think this is a game for me. I would say something like -

Im not sure where you are coming from but can you explain to me why you are going to my other treatment providers saying -- then use actual statements I know he has said to them. this way my psychiatrist can see where Im coming from, can see how his own behavior has led to my reason for the letter and concern about him. Plus this will also show my psychiatrist Im not just assuming he is doing these things based on my other treatment providers actions.

all my treatment providers work together and sometimes I have found that when I assumed this treatment provider was saying this and that to another treatment provider affecting how things were going wasnt how things really were. example I have a physical health problem that can and has been misconstrued as a mental disorder symptom. for a long time I thought a treatment provider was going behind my back telling the others not to pay attention to my complaints its just my mental problems, I'm imagining and all that. it turned out to be nothing of the sort. a treatment provider and I was having problems so I assumed another treatment provider was the cause.

it was my own transference issues mixed with my making assumptions. once I actually talked to the treatment provider who I was really having the problem with she let me know it wasnt my other treatment provider going behind my back kind of stuff. I called a meeting with all my treatment providers and we all got everything worked out. now all my treatment providers and I meet together once a month to make sure we are all on the same treatment plans and same page.

maybe you can do that (call a meeting where all your treatment providers get together with you, air out the communication problems and get everyone on the same treatment plans and plan for you

if you feel you need to send your letter then do it, because for you it may be a great one, only you can decide whether this letter is a good one and fits what your needs are and I hope you get the outcome you wish for.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

lydia I love it that you feel comfortable in expressing yourself with this psychiatrist.

if this was me though there are a couple changes I would make for me. I wouldnt just assume my psychiatrist doesnt believe me just because of the questions "what if it doesnt exist" "what if it does exist".

Thanks so much for the suggestions. I will definitely take them into account. As far as a team meeting, I just had one. He told the entire team there was no scientific proof behind EMDR. ( I told my therapist this, she's so professional, so I didn't think she would get upset, she was upset. I guess because it came from a psychiatrist and not a patient, IDK.) But now my psychiatrist isn't allowing me to pursue a trauma unit to keep myself safe during the initial trauma work, because he doesn't seem too convinced I have trauma to begin with. He dragged my in his office afterward and kept pestering me "why do you have to recover the memories, what if they never happened". I told them during the meeting that I wasn't safe on an outpatient basis and either I had to terminate therapy or I had to start therapy in a more safe environment. He didn't want me to go to the trauma unit, so I terminated. I'm not going to risk my life. I actually feel better since terminating. Like I'm not constantly going to walk off a cliff at any second. It's sad because this only means I've managed to become comfortably numb and in the end that's terrible for you.

So his opinions are effecting our life. He's told us in the past "EMDR doesn't work and DID doesn't really exist".

[Claritytoo]

My Psychiatrist writes me scrips for my medication. She is very nice and we discussed my feelings of anxiety and depression. I have never mentioned DID to her and I never will. My Psychologist who is trained in Psychodynamic therapy and mood disorders provides my therapy. I find that works best for me.

Amandalouise was right.

I totally transferred this entire letter. It should say "Dear Denial", not Dear Dr.