[xenabaiche]

My therapist and resident psychiatrist are thinking I have borderline personality disorder, and I must agree with them, I fit the description perfectly. I've been having some doubts about my "identity issues" with BPD though. It's so extreme that I feel like its more than just BPD. I have these incredible urges to be a different person from time to time, I have a few different personas and they are all completely different from each other. They don't have names though. I feel like I have no control over myself, and even though I know that I change into a different person, and I know that everything I'm feeling isn't really me, I can't convince myself of it. So, at the time that I'm a different person, I do things I normally wouldn't do, and I have no control over it. Yet, I know whats going on. It's very complicated, I hope you can follow along.

I know with the BPD identity issues, its common to be changing goals, and beliefs, etc, but what I'm going through is on a daily basis, maybe even a few times a day. Heres an example about what a day in my life is like.

One minute, I'm myself, I'm this happy go lucky, free spirited straight "hippie" girl, who believes in god, and wants to be a photographer. I am married and I love my husband to death. I'm bubbly and silly, I'm clumsy. I believe strongly in animal rights and environmental stuff. But then, all of a sudden, I get this overwhelming feeling and I suddenly am this angry "gothy" girl, who is leaning towards being a lesbian, like I'll actually be super attracted to women out of no where, and I dont believe in god, and I don't want to be with my husband. I either am wiccan or a panthiest. I listen to completely different music, I have different hobbies and interests. I end up doing things I wouldnt do, and I have absolutely no control. All I can do is sit there in the back of my head, helpless, hoping I don't do something thats unfixable when I come to my senses again.

I don't know what to think, or do about this. I'm afraid to really talk to anyone about it, because I have a tendency to read into things too much and be a hypochondriac, and I'm afraid they won't believe me. I also feel really awkward and ashamed when talking about it to people in person. I'm so overwhelmed. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

What I just explained is the best that I can do, it's really difficult to explain. I would like to know if it really sounds like DID, or is it just BPD? I want to know if it sounds like it before I talk to my new psychiatrist about it. I don't really want to talk to anyone about it unless I really should, so I don't feel like an idiot.

I know that usually DID starts when you experience severe trauma as a child, and I have. My dad tried to kill my mom, right in front of me, when I was about two. Mom says that I knew what was going on, and I was screaming and crying. I don't remember it, I was so young but could that have caused it? My stepdad also used to physically abuse me as a kid. I remember one time he chased me through the house, and I ran for dear life because I was like "oh crap i'm going to die." He ended up hitting me in the face, and giving me a nose bleed. I was maybe 8? I also get this gut feeling like I'm forgetting something in my past that happened. It bugs me a lot. I get emotional trying to figure it out.

Anyway sorry for the long post. :/ I'm just really stressed out, and I need answers.

I would definitely explain it to your psychiatrist, but try not to jump to conclusions about it being DID. Explain what you told us and ask "what is this?"

In my opinion, which probably doesn't matter much, it sounds like you're "splitting". Which is common in BPD. It doesn't mean you have two different personalities. Maybe you could do some research on it and see if it fits? Also look up projective identification in bpd.

The thing I could find explaining splitting was "A person with BPD may see themselves as “good” one minute, but shift to seeing themselves as all “bad” or even evil the next."

"the "failure to integrate shame experience into the self leaves the shame experience split off and having to be managed by another psychological system. This is how the "false self" of BPD develops"

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by xenabaiche

My therapist and resident psychiatrist are thinking I have borderline personality disorder, and I must agree with them, I fit the description perfectly. I've been having some doubts about my "identity issues" with BPD though. It's so extreme that I feel like its more than just BPD. I have these incredible urges to be a different person from time to time, I have a few different personas and they are all completely different from each other. They don't have names though. I feel like I have no control over myself, and even though I know that I change into a different person, and I know that everything I'm feeling isn't really me, I can't convince myself of it. So, at the time that I'm a different person, I do things I normally wouldn't do, and I have no control over it. Yet, I know whats going on. It's very complicated, I hope you can follow along.

I know with the BPD identity issues, its common to be changing goals, and beliefs, etc, but what I'm going through is on a daily basis, maybe even a few times a day. Heres an example about what a day in my life is like.

One minute, I'm myself, I'm this happy go lucky, free spirited straight "hippie" girl, who believes in god, and wants to be a photographer. I am married and I love my husband to death. I'm bubbly and silly, I'm clumsy. I believe strongly in animal rights and environmental stuff. But then, all of a sudden, I get this overwhelming feeling and I suddenly am this angry "gothy" girl, who is leaning towards being a lesbian, like I'll actually be super attracted to women out of no where, and I dont believe in god, and I don't want to be with my husband. I either am wiccan or a panthiest. I listen to completely different music, I have different hobbies and interests. I end up doing things I wouldnt do, and I have absolutely no control. All I can do is sit there in the back of my head, helpless, hoping I don't do something thats unfixable when I come to my senses again.

I don't know what to think, or do about this. I'm afraid to really talk to anyone about it, because I have a tendency to read into things too much and be a hypochondriac, and I'm afraid they won't believe me. I also feel really awkward and ashamed when talking about it to people in person. I'm so overwhelmed. Siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

What I just explained is the best that I can do, it's really difficult to explain. I would like to know if it really sounds like DID, or is it just BPD? I want to know if it sounds like it before I talk to my new psychiatrist about it. I don't really want to talk to anyone about it unless I really should, so I don't feel like an idiot.

I know that usually DID starts when you experience severe trauma as a child, and I have. My dad tried to kill my mom, right in front of me, when I was about two. Mom says that I knew what was going on, and I was screaming and crying. I don't remember it, I was so young but could that have caused it? My stepdad also used to physically abuse me as a kid. I remember one time he chased me through the house, and I ran for dear life because I was like "oh crap i'm going to die." He ended up hitting me in the face, and giving me a nose bleed. I was maybe 8? I also get this gut feeling like I'm forgetting something in my past that happened. It bugs me a lot. I get emotional trying to figure it out.

Anyway sorry for the long post. :/ I'm just really stressed out, and I need answers.

Im not sure what you would like from us.. were you asking us to tell you which you are, were you just venting, or do you want to know the differences in the two disorders?

we cant tell you whether you have DID or BPD or both only your treatment providers can tell you that.

Differences - I can tell you what jumps out at me in your posts -

Originally Posted by xenabaiche

I have these incredible urges to be a different person from time to time, I have a few different personas and they are all completely different from each other.

BPD does have identity problems like this, where this person isnt sure about their self, isnt comfortable with who they are, suddenly has mood swings where they change who and what they are.

DID does not. the switching of host and alters isnt an "urge to be a different person from time to time" there's no urge or willful thought about it. not like whether a person should be goth girl or hippie girl at the moment kind of thing. its trauma related. one moment the person is Amanda the next the person is Red. No urges no thoughts just bam the alters in control.

Originally Posted by xenabaiche

even though I know that I change into a different person, and I know that everything I'm feeling isn't really me, I can't convince myself of it.

BPD does have symptoms where the person sometimes feels what they have said and done was not how they really are and do say sometimes thats not me, I dont say or do those kinds of things. and have trouble convincing their self and others. sometimes BPD people have a hard time with relationships because of this good girl bad girl conflict inside their self - their good side being how they normally are their bad side is the part of their self they are trying to convince their self isnt them.

DID people dont have to convince their self their alters are not them. they just *know* the alters are not them. the alters are so separated in the brain from them their thoughts are that the alter is not them. no need for convincing their self. most if not all people with DID have the opposite problem where treatment providers have to work with them for years to convince the alters and host that they are parts of each other. if you do have DID count yourself lucky and way ahead of everyone else including me, I didnt start out knowing the alters are parts of me. it took many many years for my alters and I to know and feel though separate they were parts of me.

that said even normal people who dont have either / any mental disorder have times when they feel like different people, do things they dont remember and act differently.

my suggestion dont worry about which you are. just go according to what ever your treatment providers say you are and work on what ever treatment plans they have you on. in time and with treatment the confusion of which or both you are will show itself.

[xenabaiche]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

I would definitely explain it to your psychiatrist, but try not to jump to conclusions about it being DID. Explain what you told us and ask "what is this?"

In my opinion, which probably doesn't matter much, it sounds like you're "splitting". Which is common in BPD. It doesn't mean you have two different personalities. Maybe you could do some research on it and see if it fits? Also look up projective identification in bpd.

The thing I could find explaining splitting was "A person with BPD may see themselves as “good” one minute, but shift to seeing themselves as all “bad” or even evil the next."

"the "failure to integrate shame experience into the self leaves the shame experience split off and having to be managed by another psychological system. This is how the "false self" of BPD develops"

Oh my god, thank you so much! That actually makes more sense. No one has really explained BPD to me, so all I know is what I've been gathering on the internet.