to see the psychologist for the first part of an assessment. Not sure how I feel about it. Numb I think.

I feel in a strange place. I am much better than I was two, three months ago when I was battling to get the hospital to assess me. But the point of my battling has always been more that I want to try to find a way to evade the depression in future than to cure this particular episode, and that I want some help with dealing with the extreme DID symptoms. So while I know I am recovering, and I am relieved about that (although things are still very grey most of the time), there is a temptation to play that down tomorrow in order to prove myself in need of help. It is such a battle to get help, the help my GP and counsellor, thepsychiatrist and social worker all say I need. I keep having glimpses of how ill I have been, and it scares me. It is all the more frightening knowing the high probability that I will be in that place again, without help. So much seems to ride on tomorrow.

[kimmydawn]

Yes, and though you can say that you're coming out of it this time, you can explain that IT'S FOR REASON. You're now knowing that you're going to get help, for one. Another thing you need to point out is that past cycles when you've gotten worn down from the symptoms that you struggle with.

I could always maintain well for periods of time. However, it took so much to do so that I would melt down.

I'm sure they'll understand that tomorrow. You've done so well, Caroline

KD

[Mahali]

Good luck. I am hoping you get the help you need.

I agree with everything said above. The struggle to maintain is so tiring. There is that hope though that each struggle will be the final one to wellness.

Stay safe.

Thank you Kimmy. Youur suggestion is a really good one and I will use it. I know that getting the hosptial to agree to do an assessment on me made a huge and immediate impact on how I felt. It also helps to know that you have similar experiences in terms of maintaining well for periods of time.
Two hours to go now. I got up at the usual time because yesterday my younger daughter (who has been unwell) said she felt well enough to return to school and really wanted to. But when she started getting up she felt poorly again. Grrr. I could have had an extra hour - or two - in bed!

Thank you, place. Yes, I long for relief fromthe struggling, and from the fear of another episode.

It went OK I think. It was the first part of an assessment, which was in itself really detailed (and I have at least two more assessment sessions to go). We spent most of the session talking about my family and background, which of course was quite difficult in a way, though in another I felt very removed from it all. He had a couple of questionnaires for me to fill out there, and a couple more (both very long) which he gave me as "homework". One interesting thing was that the first questionnaire I did (based on Beck's depression index) he said showed that I was still severely depressed. As I have been feeling better I think I had lost sight of where I am on an "absolute" scale, as opposed to a relative scale. I am much better than I was a couple of months ago, but I am clearly not "better" yet, and this made me realise that perhaps I need to lower my expectations of myself - I'm expecting myself to function as if I were fully fit, and beating myself up when I "fail", but if I am not fully fit then I shouldn't be beating myself up so much or expecting to do it all just yet.
Thanks to those of you who were thinking positive thoughts for me.

I don't know how to help you too much but I'm glad for you that it went ok.

((((((((((((Caroline))))))))))))) (Now that I know that you accept hugs)

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Caroline ))))))))))))))

Thank you Time0. Just knowing people are "listening" helps.

ty fuzzy