[LeafLace]

I've been struggling for years with irregular sleep patterns. I have trouble going to sleep because of various triggers, the act of going to sleep itself and fear of the return of the night terrors that plagued me throughout my early 20s.

Since I started doing the work to identify my alters, I've realized that an even bigger part of it is that most of them are teens and children. We don't want to go to bed and we're all grown up so no one can make us, including me. Between the anxiety and childish stubbornness, I often stay awake until 4 or 5 in the morning and sleep well into late morning/early afternoon.

This week, because one of us has been setting up early morning 'appointments', (fancies himself a playboy, it gets really old...) which thankfully haven't been panning out, (I'm starting to wonder if I'm making these 'appointments' via email with another alter I don't know about...? Idk...) I've been waking up early, which has been slowly driving bedtime back to a more reasonable hour (last night it was 2:30, still late but it's progress) but as I've been increasingly more tired due to the amount of sleep I've been missing, (I usually get 8 or 9 hours,) I've noticed I've been dissociating more, switching more quickly and apparently blacking out for short periods, which usually doesn't happen much at all.

For the most part, as far as I know, I've been mostly coconscious for years but I found out yesterday I sent some emails I didn't know about. I frequently think I've emailed people only to later find out I hadn't but now that I'm thinking about, I remember a friend of mine telling me a few years back that he had seen me doing some things that were very out of character, that I have no memory of and he insists he saw me doing it, so maybe I've been blacking out all this time without even knowing.

Mostly, I'm just confused and hoping I can keep my sleep routine on a good track and get enough sleep soon so that this subsides. Has anyone else had experiences similar to any of this? Any advice or sharing would be very much appreciated. I really like and respect everyone on this forum. You're awesome people.

[RapidFlyer]

My first question is Are you working with a T? If you are can you work on possible communication with the one who is setting up the appt.'s and messing with the sleep schedule? If not can you set aside time to work on who might be the adult or the adults who will be responsible for the children?

I ask this because I had to learn to have teams of adults and kids. 1 or 2 adults to a few teens and children to toddlers and babies. Everyone got a job and playtime. the number of teams depended of one how many of us there were.

In my case there were alot of us. As we sorted out our teams we started sleeping like "normal" people. In terms of hours. Not in terms of how we slept. Sometimes we slept in forts built on the floor. Sometimes we slept under the bed. Sometimes we slept on the sofa with special blankets.
But everybody got their needs met and we got our sleep.

Tag teaming worked well for us. it took time and effort to set it up. it meant really accepting the way we were and working with it instead of fighting it. The more we did that, the more we were able to learn to parent ourselves and work through the damage and come out the other side whole and happy.

I hope this helps. I hope it makes sense. It's not easy. It is worth it.
Today The people who are left make a wonderful team and no one who doesn't know us really, really well has a clue we are a we.

[LeafLace]

Thank you so much for your time and your response, RapidFlyer. It means a lot to me.
I'm not currently working with a T. I had a good one, who taught me to manage the anxiety and depression but she fell ill and left her post. Until my depressive episode broke, she only ever saw me in session, so she was only willing to acknowledge DID as a long shot but I realize now, a lot about my life and behavior I didn't tell her because it just wasn't in front of me or I didn't want to talk about what the others were up to.

Since I stopped seeing T, we've been in the process of getting health insurance in a new state and getting set up with a doctor and the local MHS agency. It's been going slowly because the others don't want to do it, don't trust doctors (aside from one visit to the ER last year, I haven't seen a doctor in 11 years) or the system and will do just about anything to avoid structure or intervention. I know they're trying to protect me, they don't want people to find out about us but even though I am aware there are risks, I want to get help, especially if it means life could get better.

I've been working on sorting out who's who. I've known the lady of the group (I don't know how old she is. She's young and old at the same time.) cares for the youngest (he's four, almost five) and the three of us are usually together. Only last night, I realized the two of them go to bed early, leaving me up with the teenagers (there are at least two, the playboy and the androgynous 'good kid') and assorted rifraff, which I'm not sure about. Some of them are fragments but I think there are some full fledged alters among them, a beligerant feminist anarchist (who starts fights and hands them off at the last second to a nonviolent alter) and a guy that isn't really anything and can't or just doesn't really speak. Another one writes frantically, usually in public. His thoughts race and he only speaks in anger and only when interrupted. There's at least one that can't see well and a dog. There are more but the lines blur sometimes.

Right now, it's basically two teams, the 'mother/child' team and the 'other' team. I think you're right, RapidFlyer. The other team stays up at night because I don't give them time during the day. They get time to do whatever they want on the internet but I stay home a lot more than they would like, partly because of the depression but also out of concern for the trouble they might get into.

The other team wants to walk for long periods of time. I don't think they care if it's during the day or at night but I'm concerned about their activities. It worked out fine when we lived in a city, we could just walk indefinitely and as long as we kept moving, there was rarely a problem but here, in this small isolated town, people stare at us enough as it is. I agree that we need to be organized to succeed on any level. I will keep trying to rally everyone and get us as close to the same page as possible.

Thank you again, RapidFlyer. It's inspiring to read about your acceptance and that the work you've done has paid off. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your words and support.