[LILITH]

I was with my T on Monday, and we were getting things done.....My cell phone rang, I let it go to voice mail. After my session was over, we retrieved it I found out that one of my abusers had died at age 98. I had so many feelings...joy, sadness, pain etc. On the drive home my body shifted into being afriad and the body rememberance started. I could not figure out what to do. He was a uncle who was of course well respected in the family by so many... but he makde my younger years miserable. No one believed me when I use to tell them he was hurting me as a young child. I was never little, just a chubby little kid. I spent so many of my young years just hiding from people. So many just wanted to hurt me and they did. I was called names, like darky, big, too tall. It was not a fun time, I never had fun without pain. I have wanted to die since childhood. I just wanted to go away forever. I didn't, I am still in a mess, I have the same feelings as an adult...pain, fear, not feeling wanted by most. Today I thought the voices and noise in my head are so loud..It is hard to concentrate when so many are giving me ideas and things for me to say. I really just want the pain to stop it is hard for me to sit. He is the second to die, in my very long line of abusers.....
I still have questions as an adult...

What makes us a target when we are so young?
Why is it neccessary for us to hurt?
Who would want such damaged goods?

Thank you guys for listening, just needed a place to vent.

Lilith

[JustBen]

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LILITH said:
What makes us a target when we are so young?

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This is sort of like a person who was hit by a drunk driver asking what made him a target. Nothing. He just happened to be sitting at the wrong intersection when the other driver was plowing through. There is nothing about you that made you a target, either. You just happened to be born into a situation where abusers had access to you.

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Why is it neccessary for us to hurt?

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I think we'd be robots if we didn't hurt. You hurt because you're human.

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Who would want such damaged goods?

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I know you feel like damanged goods, but that doesn't mean that you are. You're a person who's been hurt a lot, and you've been through a lot of pain. That doesn't make you damaged goods.

Sorry if I "answered" when I should've just listened. Your questions really made me think, though.

[hillbunnyb]

Oh Lillith. Hang in there kiddo, you survived him alive, you surely can surive his death. Sorry sorry sorry he hurt you and nobody listened. You are not damaged goods. He was damaged goods. You are a wonderful woman. I am so glad to have met you here. Easy does it. Me, I'd do extra dark chocolate and healing visualizations to help ease myself through....

[(JD)]

(((lili))) I hope you don't have to go to the funeral. I'm sorry he lived so long! Please don't feel as though now you will never have answers to those questions. Odds are, he wouldn't have admitted anything or told you anything you needed to hear. TC of yourself. (((safehugs)))

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((lilith)))))))))))))))))) I am sorry that this has brought up old memories both emotionally and physically. You are by no means damaged goods. I hope you can see that soon. My thoughts are with you during this hard time.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((lilith)))))))))))))))))))

kd

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( lilith )))))))))))))))))

[January]

(((((((((((((( Lillith ))))))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((lilith))))))))))