[WantingtoHeal]

A few weeks ago, I happened to remember a therapist I saw about 20 or so years ago and got into contact with him again. I met with him today to ask him some questions about my therapy with him and issues to help me piece some things together. He was so nice and gracious and remembered numerous details that blew my mind. He didn't even have my records - but he's going to try to find them for me.

He told me things I had no idea of, things I did, and said - none of it I remembered. Apparently, I had some pretty neat skills, so that is good to hear. Hard to imagine, but nice to hear. He said there were names, but he could only remember one and I asked him not to tell me - just couldn't take that. He said she was the therapist for the group. He said that I wrote an extensive paper on MPD/DID and knew many details about it. I have no recall of that. My undergrad and grad years are pretty much blank. He said he diagnosed me with DID and that he and I discussed it quite a lot. He said that he saw me make improvement and feels that something has triggered this latest episode of spiraling downward.

So now....to trust this or not? I have this part of me saying that none of this can be true..that everything I'm going through right now is just ridiculous, that I just need to get it together, and snap into shape. I just don't know. It's scary honestly. I just keep thinking everything is normal, everything is okay, I'm okay, it's all okay, nothing's wrong, nothing was ever wrong, just something is not right with my brain is all.

I finally wrote down on a piece of paper about being previously diagnosed with a dissociative disorder and gave it to my present T.

I've given permission for the 2 of them to talk if needed.

I just hope that this is okay. I have big concerns over this and whether this is the right course of action to delve into this.

[WantingtoHeal]

Hope I didn't say anything wrong here.

[wanttoheal]

(((((((((((((((Wantingtoheal)))))))))))))))))) Nothing wrong said here at all.

I think it's pretty common to have stuff like that happen, but I also wonder if I think it's pretty common because it has happened to me too many times to count, lol.

My advice would be to trust the therapist, but also just keep going to your new T and continue to figure things out. It's a very hard journey, but there are also those "aha" moments that really help offset the hard parts sometimes.

As I've gotten more awareness, I've been able to talk to other people more. Most times, I've been the only one surprised at what I find out. Generally, imo, we are the ones more in the dark than anyone else.

In the beginning, I just thought everyone was tricking me when they would say I'd done or said things, etc. I knew I hadn't done or said them (because I did not have the memories). I think sometimes I almost even convinced people that they were the ones that didn't know what they were talking about. I was so convincing (because I truly believed it) that people have told me now that they thought they had lost their mind because I was so sure that it made them wonder, even though they had evidence or other people who knew.

As I got more understanding and awareness of what does really go on for me, I realized that what people were saying could actually be true. So, then I started listening with a bit of an open mind and pieces of the puzzle started coming together. (I'm not even talking abuse stuff at all, I'm just talking about every day behaviors and situations from when I switched and didn't realize it.)

This disorder, to me, is hard to accept. Even after I think I've accepted it, there are times when I realize I haven't. And apparently there are still many parts that don't even know any other part exists. I kind of think it's normal for this kind of thing.

I think it's great that you've allowed the two Ts to talk. You can tell your current T that you do not want to know details or what they talked about right now, but it will give your current T more information and more information is always good.

Keep going. Life can get better. Take gentle care,
wanttoheal

PS. Sorry if I babbled on about anything that wasn't pertaining to your post.

[WantingtoHeal]

Thanks so much for responding WantToHeal Oh, please, babble away in any post you like.

Thank you so much for the information and the support.

He encouraged the group to work together and how that really can work out best for everyone involved. I almost felt like he was directing that at someone else inside as he spoke..kind of strange. I felt such a calmness while he was talking. He told me that I could call him and email him if I needed. New T told me in quite uncertain terms that I could not participate in therapy with him or would have to terminate with her - kind of scared me. So, not sure about contacting him again.

Thanks again for your post

[jax01]

Hey, i have one of those parts. A "this is all BS, now knock it off and shape up. get off your arse and toughen up. all this DID crap is imaginary, a fantasy you made up because you Suck. it's time to straighten yourself out. and on and on" part.

Sometimes I'd really like to believe all that noise too.

[WePow]

You have to do what you have to do in order to heal.
Yes, I also understand the missing important things. In fact, while I was in college (before I knew I had DID), I would have other students come up and tell me hi by another name and swear I had class with them. I would get my grades at the end of the semester and freak out because there were classes I did not remember taking at all! I even went to contest one and tell them I didn't take that class and they called the teacher. She called me by the other name and said I was in her class. She brushed it off that I must be exhausted.

DID can be a very confusing thing to live with at times. Keep on doing everything you need to do as a whole in order to get the help you need.

[Nammu]

((((wantingtoheal))))

Thank you for posting this, it is as if you were holding up a mirror. A mirror I do not particularly want to look into but one that is not distorted.

You have a lot of courage being open to hearing these things. I guess I've preferred to hide rather than accept what other people say about me, that I can not remember myself. It's like what wanttoheal said--they must be lying, trying to trick me, although they would have no reason to do so. Kudos on your courage, and strength for your brave new odyssey.

[Bmee2]

In case you both are not aware but will someone please change their name. Wantingtoheal and wanttoheal are terribly confusing. Things are confusing enough with same names but different spellings...Thank you.