[Peilrroja Loca]

New to DID. My alters are starting to come out of hiding and communicate with me. There is a "Mother Hen" who is the protector. There is "LB" and she is the sexual one. They've let me know that I was sexually abused as a little girl. "LB" is the one who took over during the abuse and that's why she is so sexual. ("LB" is the internet video porn star that led me to the discovery that I have DID.) Recently, I had a flashback during sex and switched into another alter "Little Girl", but I was co-concious. She was extremely frightened and started yelling to please stop. She began kicking, hitting and pushing him off. She was fighting. "Mother Hen" showed up and told everyone that it was going to be OK and I switched back to just me. I'm not freaked out at all by this episode. Instead, I feel huge relief. I finally know what has been tormenting me my whole life. Now I know and understand the reason for promiscuity in my teens (for which I've carried around a lot of guilt and shame over) and the reason for LB's sexual acting out and getting involved with pornography.

From my original post:

"My ex-husband (we're trying to reconcile) is so angry that I have no shame or guilt about these videos (they happened while married). He thinks I should be begging him for forgiveness and confessing everything. Instead, I am saying that I don't remember anything and find myself faking a tearful apology. I look at the video and I know it's me, but I don't have even the slightest or foggiest memory of it. It's like watching a stranger and I don't even feel like it's me. I feel no emotion when I watch the videos."

So, here's my question. Am I such a horrible person for not feeling guilt and remorse? Horror and disgust? I fully understand that technically it was "Me" in those videos. But "Me" was completely unaware of what "LB" was up to. I can't undo what's happened. I know "LB" is there now and my responsibility now is that "LB" gets help to heal and realize that she doesn't need to act out in this way. I'm angry with him for thinking I need to beg for forgiveness. I'm angry that he can't put aside his feelings to say something like "I feel very hurt and betrayed right now. But I love you and care for you. I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. I'm going to be here to support you as you go through this and we'll get through this together." How can I take responsibilty for my alters coming out and doing things that they shouldn't if I'm completely unaware of it? Right now, I have very little control over any of this. Even as we become co-concious, will I ever have full control over them? How do I handle the damage control?

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Peilrroja Loca

New to DID. My alters are starting to come out of hiding and communicate with me. There is a "Mother Hen" who is the protector. There is "LB" and she is the sexual one. They've let me know that I was sexually abused as a little girl. "LB" is the one who took over during the abuse and that's why she is so sexual. ("LB" is the internet video porn star that led me to the discovery that I have DID.) Recently, I had a flashback during sex and switched into another alter "Little Girl", but I was co-concious. She was extremely frightened and started yelling to please stop. She began kicking, hitting and pushing him off. She was fighting. "Mother Hen" showed up and told everyone that it was going to be OK and I switched back to just me. I'm not freaked out at all by this episode. Instead, I feel huge relief. I finally know what has been tormenting me my whole life. Now I know and understand the reason for promiscuity in my teens (for which I've carried around a lot of guilt and shame over) and the reason for LB's sexual acting out and getting involved with pornography.

From my original post:

"My ex-husband (we're trying to reconcile) is so angry that I have no shame or guilt about these videos (they happened while married). He thinks I should be begging him for forgiveness and confessing everything. Instead, I am saying that I don't remember anything and find myself faking a tearful apology. I look at the video and I know it's me, but I don't have even the slightest or foggiest memory of it. It's like watching a stranger and I don't even feel like it's me. I feel no emotion when I watch the videos."

So, here's my question. Am I such a horrible person for not feeling guilt and remorse? Horror and disgust? I fully understand that technically it was "Me" in those videos. But "Me" was completely unaware of what "LB" was up to. I can't undo what's happened. I know "LB" is there now and my responsibility now is that "LB" gets help to heal and realize that she doesn't need to act out in this way. I'm angry with him for thinking I need to beg for forgiveness. I'm angry that he can't put aside his feelings to say something like "I feel very hurt and betrayed right now. But I love you and care for you. I'm so sorry that these things happened to you. I'm going to be here to support you as you go through this and we'll get through this together." How can I take responsibilty for my alters coming out and doing things that they shouldn't if I'm completely unaware of it? Right now, I have very little control over any of this. Even as we become co-concious, will I ever have full control over them? How do I handle the damage control?

no you are not a horrible person for not being able to feel emotions like guilt, remorse, horror, disgust or any other emotion..

around here where I live and work not being able to feel appropriate emotions is called "lack of Affect" (by appropriate I mean not feeling guilt when the situation would normally cause others to feel guilt if they were in the same situation... )

lack of affect happens for lots of reasons and with every mental disorder there is, even medications can cause a person not to have/show appropriate emotions.

as for damage control over alters... unfortunately I was never able to gain control over what my alters did.. my alters were categorical in that they had their own ways to be, their own jobs and purposes. sometimes that meant I ended up in some rather embarrassing, offensive situations for which there was no control over. they did what they did because that was what their job/purpose was. In the end the only solution for me was integration, after all my alters were integrated I no longer ended up in such embarrassing, offensive situations. Until then therapy helped me to understand why they were there and why they kept getting me into such situations.

Will you ever be able to gain control... Im sorry no one here can answer that question. only you, your own treatment providers and your alters can say whether or not its possible for you to gain control over anything your alters do. some people can and others cant.

How do you handle damage control... again only you, your treatment providers and your alters can say what is the way to handle these things for you. everyone has their own ways in which they handle their triggers, problems and internal system of alters.

[GypsyRosalie]

This is tough. I don't have much by way of answers for you, but I can support and talk. I personally feel as though DID people shouldn't be held responsible for their alters' actions, but it is a very debatable topic...
I can relate to issues like these. I am more than happy to talk with you about things, but I don't know how much help I can be. I feel like the alters are out more than I am...
Cas

[such is life...]

This is a tough one . I know personally about damage control. Some times In my head I picture my self walking behind an Alter ( Alters) and I am carrying a trash can ,picking up the "mess" they made for me .It's like they ( my Alters ) do stuff I don't know about But they Leave ME Literally holding the bag.

I am about to walk into damage control today. One sent an email out to my team telling them they were through and they were quitting on Friday. I can't quit my team! I can't remember to take my medications every morning... I need them. Hold crap... I hate this. I am so sorry Peilrroia Loca I feel for you.

[Peilrroja Loca]

****MT**** I'm stuck in a vicious catch 22 cycle!! Hello my new friends. Well, it's been a week since my last post. But, unfortunately nothing has really changed. In fact, it has probably gotten worse. My partner (decided even though he's my EX-husband, he is still my CURRENT partner) just can't seem to accept my diagnosis of DID.

****MT**** He has been searching the same website for more videos of me and he has found several more. I really wish he'd stop, but it's just eating him up. So, they are extremely graphic. They seem to fall into 2 types. In several of them, I am actively participating and it seems to be very consenting. ****MT**** But in several others, it looks like I am basically allowing myself to be raped and abused. In the worst one, I am with 3 men at the same time.

My partner flips between anger/disbelief/disgust to being supportive and concerned. He flips between believing I'm DID and that this is clearly an alter acting out to I'm a liar who is leading a double life who doesn't love him. I understand that he must feel horribly betrayed, hurt and confused. He simply cannot wrap his head around the idea that my flesh and blood body is shared by several people. He can't understand that I have no memory of any of this and he is upset that I can't summon the alter out to confess. He's been to several therapy sessions with DID experts, so he is educated- he is just not processing it and understanding it.

I'm so torn on what to do. Part of me says that I need to leave the relationship, at least temporarily. But I (host) love this man. We've known each other for 30 years. We were married for 18 years and we have 3 children together. He is my best friend. I only have one other person to confide in about this besides him and that's my sister who lives on the other side of the country. I keep thinking that he will work through this phase and that I just need to be patient. But, we go round and round, talking for hours and never resolving anything. We don't talk about anything else anymore. It seems that the more pressure and stress I'm being put under to communicate with my alters, the deeper into hiding they are going.

I really do want to figure this out. #1) What happened to me when I was little that I even created my alters? #2) What happened 3 years ago? There's a ton of unanswered questions. And #3) Most importantly, what is this alter's story and how can I help her?

I'm hitting an extremely frustrating and painful roadblock. How did your diagnosis of DID affect your relationships? How did you handle the shock and the fallout that followed an alter acting out?