ways of being

ok so somtimes I run away and hurt myself and I can mostly remember, but only in bits, and there is no emotion. Sorta like remembering something thats really got nothing to do with me.
When I am home again I am a little scared and alot confused. And ashamed.
I don't think I have true alters. I just have diff. ego states.
Thats what i think.
Does that make sense.
I'm always around.
I just got diff. ways of being.
Some which I don't like very much.

Ego states, alters, personalities, they all mean the same thing--thoughts, emotions, pain that are blocked off from conscious thought due to the overwhelming threat to self that occurred during the abuse you experienced. I, too, had alters, times when I wasn't sure what had happened in the past hours, days, weeks, etc. I lost time, found myself in places I didn't know how I got there, found clothes I had not purchased, met people who called me by other names that I didn't know. I sought therapy and have been in therapy for a time now. I was dissociative, but I am now integrated (for a year now) and love life and am glad I never succeeded in killing myself. I hope I have given you hope and the will to keep on keeping on.

thanks catcoon