It's really hard for me to say that.

I like to pretend that sometimes the DID doesn't exist or even sometimes that it just doesn't matter that much. I guess I spend my entire life trying to convince everyone that I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm surviving. Look at me. I'm good. I'm fine.

My team doesn't really take my DID very seriously so they've let me go to some pretty ****** therapists and even forced me to take therapy from caseworkers, when all along I tried to explain to them that I thought DID was at least a little more serious then that.

Today I went to a trauma therapist who told me straight out that I was just too severe for her. She didn't sugar coat it. She didn't try and use me as some experiment, like a lot of other therapists have. She told she had only worked with one other client and the client didn't have even close to as many parts as I did.

Trauma therapists will try and take me on, then not address my parts and I get muddled around in my suicidal parts. I live in a very rural part of Pennsylvania. But I did come home and find a man who is currently working with DID cases. Not just trauma, but DID.

And then I realized, maybe I am sick.

[unaluna]

Dissociation is a b1tch. we can walk around like we're normal, but everything is effed up, and people pretty much hate us for being so inconsistent. but it's like nobody's ever home.

I know! I knock and knock, and when people finally answer their door, they're like, get out of here stranger! Yall should read a piece called "Unicorn of Innocence" written by someone who has DID. Maybe you would "get" it. Or at least think deeply and get lost in the moment. I did. Hey, I DID! Sincerely, Glinda Gail: http://www.booksie.com/non-fiction/m...n-of-innocence

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I know! I knock and knock, and when people finally answer their door, they're like, get out of here stranger! Yall should read a piece called "Unicorn of Innocence" written by someone who has DID. Maybe you would "get" it. Or at least think deeply and get lost in the moment. I did. Hey, I DID! Sincerely, Glinda Gail: http://www.booksie.com/non-fiction/m...n-of-innocence

Very sweet piece of writing lightbulb!

Originally Posted by hankster

Dissociation is a b1tch. we can walk around like we're normal, but everything is effed up, and people pretty much hate us for being so inconsistent. but it's like nobody's ever home.

I know One moment were like at the functioning levels of doctors and the next I'm being told there is seriously something wrong with me. "Schizophrenia! Demons!" I don't understand when it will end. It was funny me and another DID client who were in the trauma clinic together once said "we could both run the hospital and be a patient at the same time". And it's so true.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

It's really hard for me to say that.

I like to pretend that sometimes the DID doesn't exist or even sometimes that it just doesn't matter that much. I guess I spend my entire life trying to convince everyone that I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm surviving. Look at me. I'm good. I'm fine.

My team doesn't really take my DID very seriously so they've let me go to some pretty ****** therapists and even forced me to take therapy from caseworkers, when all along I tried to explain to them that I thought DID was at least a little more serious then that.

Today I went to a trauma therapist who told me straight out that I was just too severe for her. She didn't sugar coat it. She didn't try and use me as some experiment, like a lot of other therapists have. She told she had only worked with one other client and the client didn't have even close to as many parts as I did.

Trauma therapists will try and take me on, then not address my parts and I get muddled around in my suicidal parts. I live in a very rural part of Pennsylvania. But I did come home and find a man who is currently working with DID cases. Not just trauma, but DID.

And then I realized, maybe I am sick.

Im confused lydia. .. not too long ago you posted it made you upset when treatment providers try to use you as an experiment, not being straight with you and now you seem upset because this new trauma therapist didnt use you as an experiment and told you straight with no sugar coating she couldnt work with you.

Im sorry lydia but before you are going to be able to find the right therapist for you, you need to decide what you want out of a therapist... do you want them to sugar coat, not be straight with you or do you want them to be honest with you. Do you want someone who is going to use you or dont you want someone who is going to use you..

as for the therapists not addressing your parts... I hate to tell you this but trauma therapy is about learning to think of yourself as one person, learning to take care of your problems, not rely on the alters to take care of you.

Around here where I live and work treatment providers have moved away from things like calling out the alters, working with each separate alter by their self, and all that therapy of days gone by for DID.

now therapy for DID is promoting togetherness, getting the host able to handle day to day living without having to depend upon those negative dissociation tools of letting the alters do the talking, letting the alters fix the problems.

now treatment for DID focuses more on the host not the alters. more and more treatment providers are becoming of the mind that if a person dissociates during treatment dont do anything different, continue on like you would if the person was still the host. Seminars and workshops and schooling about DID is teaching those that are treatment providers that if a client dissociates it means they are uncomfortable, triggered by something that is being talked about or done during therapy, and treatment providers jobs are to do no harm, not cause the client to dissociate so the recommended rule around here is when a client dissociates into an alter to take a break from the discussion, get the host to reground and then talk about what happened, ask the host what happened, what caused her to "leave the room",

If I remember right you posted you have been through shepard pratt right? well even they teach about grounding and the host dealing with the problems , they dont focus on each of the alters, and they specialize in dissociative disorders.

the bottom line is in todays world you are not going to find therapists who go according to the DID standards of 10-50 yrs ago where the focus was on the alters not the host.

today treating DID is like treating someone with bipolar or schizophrenia or any other mental disorder, treatment focuses on the host not the treatment provider speaking to the hallucination or agreeing with the delusion, speaking and treating the alter ego, ego state... whatever its called .... treatment now days even trauma therapy deals with the host and the problems the host has.

now days with a DID person its just taken as a normal expectation that the client is going to dissociate, if they become an alter thats ok and if they dont thats ok too, it is the host that has the dissociation problem that results in their "leaving the room" so its the host that treatment has to focus on.

kind of like if you had a friend and the friend suddenly got up and walked out of the room you would help the friend to become more comfortable, less angry and then find out why she walked out of the room. thats how treatment providers work with their clients these days, no matter what the mental disorder they first help the client to reground by either stopping the appointment until the client is more present, or by breathing, mindfulness, and other grounding. then they address why the dissociative felt they needed to "leave the room" mentally.

10-50 yrs ago you would have found every treatment provider of the mind of focusing on the alters and the alters problems but those days are long gone. just like 5-10 yrs in the future what standards we have now for treating DID clients may be vastly different than they are today.

Lydia I know its hard to try something that you are not comfortable with but maybe you can give your treatment providers a try, try things this new therapists way. you dropped out of the other program because you were looking for a therapist that would be honest with you and would not focus on the alters and when they couldnt fix all of you the treatment providers got frustrated.

now your treatment team is sending you to the kind of therapists that dont focus on the alters so that you dont end up having therapists that take on your problems as their own.. you cant have it both ways so give these new therapists a try.

go in with the attitude of these are my problems and this is what I need help with. which should be easy considering you say sometimes you act like the DID doesnt exist. work on your own problems first and then the problems that the alters have / you have because of the alters, will come next as you get more healthy.

Trigger.... This mentions some coercive abuse techniques.

I think sometimes I have to tell people that I'm okay, because that's what I did my entire childhood. I was programmed to give responses. Brainwashed.

And I still have to do that. Convince everybody that I'm okay. I feel like I need deprogrammed or something. Like I'm running on his Army still. Like I wouldn't actually have a lack of social skills, or be so unconfident if I didn't still run on his terms. Even decades later he still reigns.

I was reading the Jaycee Dugard story and she seems so happy and normal now, even though we went through some similar circumstances. I was younger though and mine didn't last nearly as long and I can't help but wonder if it was because she was deprogrammed and given proper treatment. Where with me, my abuser got away with it and continues to live his life happily ever after, two miles down the road. I was never physically kidnapped, but emotionally I was separated from my family for years by a neighbor.

I had this realization last night of how sick I really am and it was sobering. Don't give up though. There is always hope.

Hope cannot be killed, stolen, or destroyed. Hope is ours to keep, forever. There is only hope. Love yall, truly. We're sisters and brothers. We will overcome. We will triumph over all of our enemies. We can do it. We are doing it.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

Im confused lydia. .. not too long ago you posted it made you upset when treatment providers try to use you as an experiment, not being straight with you and now you seem upset because this new trauma therapist didnt use you as an experiment and told you straight with no sugar coating she couldnt work with you.

I'm not upset she was honest with me. I'm GLAD she was. It's about time somebody was. And Sheppard Prat taught me that I should know stuff about my parts, so I know what to expect... I also don't have a dominant part. So a regular trauma therapist can't really help me find who the dominant part is.