October seems so black, blacker than any other time..............................

Just really struggling with this time of year and feeling like I am floating and lost. Seems as the days get shorter the nights feel like they never end. Even awake in the day it feels often like I am lost in the night. Terror and dreams plague me when sleep comes, those inside often feeling as if they cocoon so close almost becoming hard to breath at times. I feel I am running yet cannot seem to get anywhere but right there in the midst of it all. Sometimes it feels like I am being pulled down in quicksand, struggling to stay enough above so someone knows I am here.

Somewhere knowing that I need to talk and reach out yet finding it so hard to do either, often shutting me down in a fear that no words can describe. Silence feeling like it is so close yet a piercing scream within that I cannot seem to find. I feel somewhere I am being pushed to be okay when the world is awake but when I am alone thoughts and feelings that are not good often times feeling like something is going to happen and safety feeling far away.

Those within I've asked to step up and help me are trying hard, but not even those within can stop the screeching discord I hear or the feeling of some kind of doom lurking close. Words seem to swirl in my head but are so often twisting when I try to write or talk, making it frustrating at best to say anything at times. Even though there are many times during the year it is difficult this time of year surrounds so many secrets and terror, it seems darkness surrounds every part of me even in secrets and flashes that right now have not come together, yet somewhere mean something and tugs at my heart.

Emotions seem to be high, tears fall out of no where, and I often wonder what it all means. Maybe deep inside I know more than I am willing to say or even look at for it is there that holds me hostage to my own thoughts and fears. It is there everything almost comes to a complete stop staring at me and almost daring me to say anything at all. Though I am not alone, it feels so alone, and I feel I push everyone away sometimes even myself and those within that surround me for safety of ourselves. It feels everything comes to life in a way often for the first time, that place where the very breath felt it stopped and I was no longer a part of myself.

Sometimes I feel so afraid I am losing myself somewhere in it all, or maybe it is my own fears blocking what I know now to be and the safety of today as there was no safety back then. It feels hard at times to find today in all of the memories and fears that are right there. The dreams seem to pull those today that are safe into them making it hard to trust, yet knowing in my mind that those safe today were not there, it seems so real when I cannot pull myself out of that place or stop their faces from appearing. But so often their faces begin to distort and change to those of the past, always laughing at what seems my terror and the questions of trust and the feelings no one is safe.

There is an eerie feeling surrounding me and it is familiar yet at the same time almost like a long distance away, making one question their own sanity. It feels I am descending into hell, a hell known yet hidden, felt yet distant, there yet disguised. Seeing parts of the whole but not all, maybe afraid to really look. It all becomes so real all over again. Time lost to some, pulls me back sometimes feeling like it never moved at all. Sometimes seeing myself in the mirror at other times not knowing who is there----but somewhere it is all me. But knowing that and holding onto that is sometimes confusing in and of itself.

I do not know if this says anything at all but I feel it and am trying to reach out. Words sometimes feel so big and I feel so small yet they seem to fill this screen. I feel scared and lost, but I am trying to keep reaching out in it all and not disappear or completely lose myself. October seems so black, blacker than any other time, and right now the blackness feels it is engulfing me......

dps

(((((((( purple )))))))))

I understand. We all have those months that we know feel like hell. For me, it is Christmas and new year. The horrors that happened around that time are always there... every year, that same feeling of terror... I'm sorry you have that too. Please keep writing and sharing as it helps to know we're not alone with it, maybe we can help each other somehow. Thank you for writing,

What you describe is similar to how I had been feeling intermittently for the past ten years. I thought I was losing my mind. At that time I didn't know I was DID. This feeling of being engulfed and suffocated, held down unable to breath was crushing me. It seemed every time I took a step forward in therapy I would be pushed down unable to breath, unable to see my way out. I realized that my feelings were feelings of panic. My body was in fight or flight but I could not see a reason for it. The more I felt like I was drowning the more I panicked, the more I panicked the more overwhelming thoughts and feeling would fill my mind and body. I thought I would be consumed. I started to realize that my body chemistry for fight or flight was feeding my thoughts and feelings which in turn was feeding my body chemistry for fight or flight. I started doing panic management exercise. When the feelings and thoughts would start I would identify the feelings and thoughts as a response to my body chemistry fight or flight. An example is, when I started to feel like I was unable to breath, than start to think I was going to die or think something horrible was about to happen, I would tell myself that my feelings and thoughts were coming from a change in my body chemistry. For some reason, something would trigger this psychological response even though I was not in danger. Once my mind accepted that it was the body chemistry and not danger, I was able to slow my breathing, my heart rate would return to normal and my thoughts of danger would subside. When I started these exercises I had to do this panic management several times a day. I didn't realize how often I felt like that in a day. Now I find myself unseeing the panic management exercise only a few times a week. What I learned is that my body holds memories that get triggered by something and creates a chemical change that leads to feelings of panic. My mind would than provide thoughts that would perpetuate the feelings of danger. It was a crushing cycle. But now I see an end to it. That helps. I hope all this made sense. Maybe you could talk to your t about panic management. It has helped me a lot. Feel better.

Thank you Pegs and Clarity. I want to answer but my thoughts are twisting right now. I have having a terrible morning and my body memories are making it hard to function at all. I appreciate your words and will answer as soon as I can. Feels there is a lot of chaos within right now, and that cocooning feeling of those within feels like it is pushing on me hard, a lot of fear and terror. This next couple of weeks is going to be the hardest and I am fearing myself, too many thoughts to hurt or disappear are hitting out of no where.

dps

Sitting with you ((((( dps ))))))

Dps understand and sympathize. This month not go good for us too.
Actually these last few months are the hardest for us.
May you find a way to comfort the body and if you have a pet snuggle close to feel grounded as much as possible and safe.

I have a pretty hard time around this time of year also. Lots of hugs.