[Switch]

Hi everyone,
So this is my first time posting about this under this name. I changed my name because I got scared of people knowing, but now I really want to talk about this.

Doctors tell me I have a dissociative disorder, and depersonalize. My friends say its DID, as does my therapist, but my pdoc doesn't want to look closely at it so it's just "dissociation and depersonalization" on my record. He would rather focus on my other dx's. I, personally, have no clue!

I have personalities that come out. They take over my body and I get locked into the back of my brain and can't do anything but watch. Sometimes they say I'm not even there, but I always remember it. They say that they restrict they're own memories and thoughts because they know that I will remember it. I even remember they're internal thoughts. They've admitted that they're withholding a memory from me from my childhood, and there is definitely a memory blank from my childhood. They also say they're extremely limited because of the memory things. That they aren't "strong" as they could be.

Sometimes they come out, and I don't notice until I start doing stuff that I would never do and I can't control it, and I start referring to myself in third person. It's not always like that. Mom says that it looks like I'm getting put under when I switch and they come out.

When I come back I'm freaking out, and after I calm down none of it seems real. The memories feel foreign and start slipping away unless I make them mine. Even then people remind me of things that they did.

I don't really know what's going on, I'm scared as hell, and I want to know but I don't want to have to put up with my sister and boyfriend freaking out because I've disappeared and they're talking to a five-year-old or a cowboy. I'm sick of friends freaking out and constantly wondering if I'm me!

If anyone can tell me ANYTHING it would be a big help. I am having such a hard time trying to wrap my head around this. It doesn't even feel real when it's not happening. I'm scared. Please no one be mad at me for being weird, I don't want to offend anyone because I'm different. I'm scared even bringing this up... but thank you for anything you guys can tell me.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Switch

Hi everyone,
So this is my first time posting about this under this name. I changed my name because I got scared of people knowing, but now I really want to talk about this.

Doctors tell me I have a dissociative disorder, and depersonalize. My friends say its DID, as does my therapist, but my pdoc doesn't want to look closely at it so it's just "dissociation and depersonalization" on my record. He would rather focus on my other dx's. I, personally, have no clue!

I have personalities that come out. They take over my body and I get locked into the back of my brain and can't do anything but watch. Sometimes they say I'm not even there, but I always remember it. They say that they restrict they're own memories and thoughts because they know that I will remember it. I even remember they're internal thoughts. They've admitted that they're withholding a memory from me from my childhood, and there is definitely a memory blank from my childhood. They also say they're extremely limited because of the memory things. That they aren't "strong" as they could be.

Sometimes they come out, and I don't notice until I start doing stuff that I would never do and I can't control it, and I start referring to myself in third person. It's not always like that. Mom says that it looks like I'm getting put under when I switch and they come out.

When I come back I'm freaking out, and after I calm down none of it seems real. The memories feel foreign and start slipping away unless I make them mine. Even then people remind me of things that they did.

I don't really know what's going on, I'm scared as hell, and I want to know but I don't want to have to put up with my sister and boyfriend freaking out because I've disappeared and they're talking to a five-year-old or a cowboy. I'm sick of friends freaking out and constantly wondering if I'm me!

If anyone can tell me ANYTHING it would be a big help. I am having such a hard time trying to wrap my head around this. It doesn't even feel real when it's not happening. I'm scared. Please no one be mad at me for being weird, I don't want to offend anyone because I'm different. I'm scared even bringing this up... but thank you for anything you guys can tell me.

Im not mad at you or think you are weird.. I know many people diagnosed with "dissociation and depersonalization" that are like you..

you said you remember everything when your alters come out...around here where I live and work thats one of the main reasons why those I know are diagnosed the same way as you... the diagnostic criteria for carrying the label DID says the person has to have a special kind of memory loss. that memory loss has to do with things like not remembering whats going on during a certain percentage of time when the alters are in control, since you are aware when your alters are in control if you were here in NY that would mean psychiatrists here in NY cant diagnose you with DID.

So please dont worry about the fact that you carry the diagnosis of "dissociation and depersonalization" instead of the label DID. its just a formality and logistics, labels dont make you any more or less then what you are, how you are and how mental disorders affect / present itself in you.

personally I would rather have been labeled "dissociation and depersonalization" instead of DID all the yrs I carried that label, theres much more stigma, problems, and its much harder to find treatment providers when you carry the label DID than there is with the label "dissociation and depersonalization"

your diagnosis label actually works to your advantage because just about every treatment provider in the USA deals with dissociation and depersonalization issues because dissociation, depersonalization symptoms happens with even normal every day stress and living and most if not all medications can also cause these same symptoms.

Another reason why if you were here in NY you would be labeled "dissociation and depersonalization" is because the symptom of not feeling in control, feeling like you are watching from behind, back, to the side, and not able to control whats going on as if someone else is in control and you are just watching, and the other symptoms you posted about like looking like you are being put under, is depersonalization is. Sounds to me based on what you have posted that your treatment providers have found a way to address your problems in the least restrictive/stigmatizing way that fits the symptoms you have.

so again please dont worry about the diagnostic labels. it really doesnt matter what you are called in the files, what matters is that you and your treatment providers work together on what ever problems /symptoms you have. you can still treat whats going on with you without calling it DID. just like you can treat a persons sneezing, coughs, sore throat and runny nose without calling it a cold /virus.

[Switch]

I'm not so much worried about the label as knowing what's going on and why and how to treat it. I haven't gotten any answers except from one T who has no training in this area. Honestly DID makes more sense to me - two of my good friends have DID, maybe 3. This is something that no one seems to know how to handle. And I keep thinking I'm faking it until it happens and I know I'm not.

I'm in Canada if that makes any difference with treatment or dx. And my pdoc and everyone in my treatment process isn't doing anything about it. I don't even know what treatment is available to me!

Thank you for your response by the way. I'm sorry I sound frantic by I'm scared and for once in my life I feel out of my depth. This was the only place I could think that could give me answers. Thank you so much for the response and reassurance.

[possum220]

Dear Switch,

What you are experiencing is normal for a person who is dissociative. Try to relax even though it is very scary. If your doc can't help you ask him if he knows of some-one who is able to help. What you typed is very much what happens to me.

There is no quick fix, but your system has helped you to get this far in life, so trust it.

But do try to find some-one who is experienced to help you.

[WePow]

Big safe hugs to you! It was VERY difficult for me to wrap my head around what was going on with the DID. When I was in college (back in 1994), they still called it MPD. I thought I just had a very bad memory!! But my college T told me I had MPD. I denied it TOTALLY! I was NOT like the portrayal of that in the movies I had seen. It actually made me angry that he suggested "such a thing" to me!

My advice is to research DID. Perhaps get books on it. You have to become your own expert sometimes.

[yellowted]

don't worry about not being normal, normal is different for everyone and is not always the best thing for you. it is normal to joe bloggs for him to tap dance his way to work everyday dressed as a donkey, that's because that is what he has become acustomed to doing, but that may seem weird to you because you don't do that.
it would be a boring place if everyone was normal as that would mean everyone was the same, thought the same, liked the same etc, no more debates, different styles etc
I never have classed myself as normal, I am me with all my flaws and quirks and I am proud to be different.
embrace who you are and be proud of yourself

[Sierrarose]

Switch,

I know DID can be frightening but we are more afraid of the unknown. Learning about DID can help.

Personally I believe it helps to see DID as a condition we can learn to live with rather than an illness or a disorder.

Medication doesn't do anything for DID but an antidepressant can resolve some of the anxiety and depression connected with it.

Agreeing to keep a journal that alters can write in may help with memory difficulties.

Something to realise is that you are probably not a person with alters but an alter yourself.

You may be made up of alters - one fractured personality presenting itself like separate personalities.

Now for the good news, recovery is possible but many Dissociatives believe that would be like cutting off their right arm as they have - whether they know it or not - come to rely on their alter friends. Many, myself included, have chosen to accept the condition and learn how to get along with and co-operate with all our parts.

I have a lot more information on being Dissociative but what works for me may not work for you. I expect there are lots of different views on how to cope with this condition right here in this forum.

It’s that old adage, is it a gift or a curse. Many, many people - once they get passed to initial shock of diagnoses - see it as a gift.

Staying calm seems to be quite helpful. Getting too stressed out makes it worse.

Best wishes. Just know that you are not alone in this.

you are not weird at all- in fact their are loads of people with those types of disorders.

welcome

[jax01]

You might want to look around the web for groups and forums about dissociation, and having a look at them. read them.
then you'll see. There are lots and lots of people out there having experieces very close to what you are going through. you may be different, but not that different. and you are definately not alone.
finding out that I wasn't alone was a huge relief for me.
go look. see for your self.

jax

[Callista]

It's okay not to be normal. It really is. And I don't mean "okay" like I'm trying to comfort you; I mean "okay" like it's just as good as any other way of being; that people are meant to be all different from each other. If anybody gets on your case for being different, you can ignore them and put them in your mental "Idiots Not to Listen To" file.

[shortandcute]

I'm sorry you are going thru all this. Unfortunately, I do not know enough about this kind of stuff to give any good advice.