Internal Struggle exhausting

Last week I had a therapy session that was pretty rough.

I have been struggling to stay present in session as soon as topic of dissociation comes up. T suggested that we can record session but not sure that would help me.

I struggle with diagnosis of DDNOS. I can accept complex PTSD and depression, but not sure about DDNOS.

But then stuff happens like in session where whole 45 minutes I have no memory. I am supposed to see T weekly, but now looked at agenda and found that today's appt was cancelled.

I have workaholic side that just won't allow a break for anythign even therapy. But I really needed this session today. I feel like am losing grip and know when workaholic side takes over I am feeling overwhelmed but can't seem to get any rest.

Just very exhausted today I guess, not sure what point am trying to make.

interesting...this jumps out at me in your post....

I say interesting because though I have myself and have had clients dissociate with other triggering topics in therapy but I never thought of the topic of dissociation to be a trigger point because dissociation is basically a normal response the brain does from the moment a person is born. so to me the concept of the topic of dissociation being a trigger would be the same as saying it triggers me to daydream, feel my heart beat... I never thought of that topic as being a trigger... something I will remember to consider when dealing with my own problems and that of my clients. thanks for posting this thread.

now on to your issue..

one thing I used to do was try to avoid present therapy sessions because the last session was hard. so I brought it up with my therapist. we decided on a couple things...

she would check in with me about 5-10 minutes before the session ended on how I was feeling about our session. this way we had time to address any issues that were open ended or left me feeling like I didnt want to be there physically or emotionally.

we set up an agreement contract that I would not cancel appointments knowingly or unknowingly. I would keep the appointment regardless of calling in and my therapist would keep my time slot open. I was to keep a daily schedule and if I noticed something was in the time slot for therapy I was to change the other activity, not the therapy session. I also had to come in to therapy even if it was just to come in early and tell my therapist face to face why I couldnt, wouldnt or didnt want to be there. we did things this way until we both (my therapist and I) felt I could handle having the option to cancel appointments and being responsible for knowing when to cancel or not and also when I did have to cancel it was by doing so with a fully clear and aware mind, not when i was dissociated or upset by anything.

maybe you and your therapist can set up a similar type of agreement for the time being. this way you can address any issues that may be causing you to cancel your appointments without remembering doing so.

another suggestion let your therapist know whats going on so that your therapist and you can work with your insider that does your scheduling and you can address any other issues like dissociating when the topic of dissociation comes up.

I cant tell you what to do but on the pro side for video taping...my therapist and I have been recording our sessions together for years, and right from the first session with her. it has helped us many times in working out all kinds of issues even my dissociative ones.