Is disocciating bad

I get the feeling that dissociation is not a good thing. I dissociate a lot. I can't seem to remember where I "go" mentally and I'm quite content to just "go".

I have a feeling this is gonna come up in T next week. I feel like I should feel bad about it, but I don't. To make matters worse I simply prefer to dissociate.

DOES THIS EVEN MAKE SINCE TO ANYONE?

Let me tell you real briefly what happened. 20 years ago I was raped repeatedly for 9 months. When I got married, well before I got married, I was sketchy in what I told my H about this. After being married for 18 years the reminder in the back of my mind of the rape is surfacing.

The issue is I dissociate when my H and I make love. I am totally elsewhere. I don't know where. Sometimes I think about the kids, house work, the kids school, feeding my animals. I do not want to be there mentally w/ my H. Ofcourse this affects the quality of our sex life. So much of the time I simply go away mentally and have no idea where I have been.

I'm afraid to let myself go there. I'm afraid to feel. I'm afraid to be available. I
just don't know what will happen.

Has anyone been in this stage of life. Is dissociating really that bad. I'd like to hear what your opinion is, what you have been told by T's or simply what you think.

I have had treatment providers tell me even normal people are not always totally present during sex, for some people they have to enter their own fantasies, thoughts, to do lists, what ever to either reach for the top or to block out what is going on at the moment for many reasons like not reaching the top so fast, speeding things up, just were not in the mood for sex but did it anyway for their partner/spouses sake, unwanted memories....

for me my treatment providers felt it was completely normal given what I had been through and what mental and physical health problems I had.

it took time but eventually I did learn to over come the dissociating during sex by using grounding, having a code word that would tell my wife it was time to stop what ever we were doing and also working in therapy on those memories and issues that were causing me to dissociate during sex.

I don't think dissociating is bad; it has gotten us all through some very difficult things--that's what it is supposed to do.

The question is, after the trauma is over, is the dissociating causing difficulties? Even if it is, do those difficulties outweight the possible benefits of the avoidance it creates?

Sometimes I dissociate and it isn't worth it--it makes me feel cut off and alone. I try to come back at those times, because I'd rather be connected. Sometimes I dissociate and it is worth it--I don't have to face something really scary.

The question is, which do you want to choose to do at any given point?

Thank you for that Skeksi. I guess your right there are times when you do have a choice. It does make me feel alone and needing a connection sometimes. Other times it is such a nice escape from reality.

Maybe you can talk with your T about how to be present in those times when you find the dissociation bothersome?

I have a feeling that is exactly where we are going to go next week in T. I am very uncomfortable letting her in on this and giving an account of where I "go".

I dont think its bad. I think its saved our life about a thousand times.

Amandalouise sorry it took me so long to recognize your responce. I think I mistook your kitty for my kitty. Love the kitty by the way.

Your responce was most helpful. It sounds like you may have suffered some abuse at the hands of someone else. Interesting a code word, grounding durring sex. All good ideas. I participate in sex only in body. My spirit and mind are so elsewhere. I don't want to be present.

My H is not mean or anything, I just would rather not have sex and do because it has become chore like and it is a responsibility of mine.

Thank you again for your responce.

I disassociate but not to the point of completely losing my memory. It is a BPD thing related to being put under too much stress at once. I'm really upset one minute and the next it's like I'm looking down on myself and take on this semblance of complete calm. My memory is impaired but never completely erased from these episodes.

For the most part I don't completely loose my train of thought and awareness of my surroundings. It is more like my mind wanders and I can't remember what I was thinking about. It is similar to forgetting what you had for supper the other day. For the life of you you just cant remember what you ate. It is kinda like that. (I might be the only one who forgets that to.) I just make a conscious effort not to remember or think about sex when we have sex. I for get what I was thinking about on top of that. I also have ADD and PTSD. So from what I gather a great memory is not exactly in the cards for me.

I don't think of dissociating as good or bad. I think that it is often used as a coping skill. I'm not a professional, so I'm not sure what to tell you beyond that, but I think that often, we develop certain "coping skills" in order to survive bad situations. It's just eventually we are no longer in those situations, but we still tend to use those skills. Thru therapy some people learn how to work thru those old patterns. I have a tendency to retreat into my own world alot when things are stressful--or if they seem stressful.

Dissociating has come up again in T. The T says in my case it has to do w/ trauma's and being triggered. Sometimes it has to do w/ simply escaping the given situation. (sex)