[just2b]

My head is so full of thoughts and feelings that I dont share. For example I am going to school and I am doing the work cause I have an Excel, Word and Text and Formatting class so hard not to do the work. Then I have Medical Terminology, which is not all that interesting but is a big part of what my major is. I dont care to do the exercises, extra learning modules or the reviews. Yet some where inside, I want to do really well in this class and make a better grade than what I did in Medical Terminology I in 2010. Yet the part that WANTS, to do well is not in control in the class nor when it comes to studying. Maybe its me or someone that is acting like me. lol. I feel I dont share these same attitudes, nor the feelings. As I write this, I am putting off my kids...as if I dont want to be engaged with them. I am not sure who is in control.
Then when it comes to therapy, its like I dont want to be engaged in that either, yet, I know that I NEED it. Its the process of connecting with someone sucks! I want to learn more about my system and how it works and all, but also feel there is really no need to understand it all. I try to talk to the system, but I get responses that I dont know where they are coming from, so I ask. Only to find out that they or the System is unsure.
Just a bunch of babble that comes and yet I remember what my ex-therapist said To listen inside and try to hear what is being said. And I feel like such a failure because I dont or cant distinguish who is who in this confusing world that we live in. Decison-Making is getting difficult.
Not sure how I feel, or what I think. Just Confused!!!

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by just2b

My head is so full of thoughts and feelings that I dont share. For example I am going to school and I am doing the work cause I have an Excel, Word and Text and Formatting class so hard not to do the work. Then I have Medical Terminology, which is not all that interesting but is a big part of what my major is. I dont care to do the exercises, extra learning modules or the reviews. Yet some where inside, I want to do really well in this class and make a better grade than what I did in Medical Terminology I in 2010. Yet the part that WANTS, to do well is not in control in the class nor when it comes to studying. Maybe its me or someone that is acting like me. lol. I feel I dont share these same attitudes, nor the feelings. As I write this, I am putting off my kids...as if I dont want to be engaged with them. I am not sure who is in control.
Then when it comes to therapy, its like I dont want to be engaged in that either, yet, I know that I NEED it. Its the process of connecting with someone sucks! I want to learn more about my system and how it works and all, but also feel there is really no need to understand it all. I try to talk to the system, but I get responses that I dont know where they are coming from, so I ask. Only to find out that they or the System is unsure.
Just a bunch of babble that comes and yet I remember what my ex-therapist said To listen inside and try to hear what is being said. And I feel like such a failure because I dont or cant distinguish who is who in this confusing world that we live in. Decison-Making is getting difficult.
Not sure how I feel, or what I think. Just Confused!!!

if co consciousness (your word sharing ) will happen when its supposed to happen if its possible for you and your system. in the mean time dont stress out, get frustrated. one thing that helped me was to remember it took years of abuse to get the way I was, it may take years for the healing and sharing to happen if sharing is a possibility. for me it turned out it wasnt a possibility with a majority of my alters. but I was still able to heal and learn those things the other alters knew...

for example which ever alter was the one dealing with a class that alter took notes, tests, quizes ...I just looked around the house for those journals, notes, tests, quizzes, then took the time to read and learn the material that the alter did during class.

I also obtained permission from the instructors of the classes to be able to record the classes. that way if I didnt know what went on in a class all I needed to do was put on the audio take and listen to what went on in the class.

my decision making actually got better not worse with therapy due to therapy was helping me to become stronger and able to handle my problems and better able to take over making those decisions that the alters had to do for me when I was not able to do so.

my suggestion keep working with your treatment providers and in time everything will work out for you. and maybe let your therapist know this is an issue for you, your treatment providers might also have suggestions on what you can do about learning the material that you the aware self is missing out on because the alters cant share with you at this time.

[MudCrab]

Hello, just2b. Please consider printing a copy of your post for your therapist.

Guide to Accommodations for College Students With Disabilities

[MomgaJupiter]

I totally get this! I have at least one part who just "doesn't wanna". It is so hard to push past it and take care of things like an adult when I have a kid in charge.
I am also at the beginning stages of making contact with my system and not much makes sense. I just do what I can and try not to shame myself too much for what I can't do. Sometimes good enough has to be good enough.

[Claritytoo]

I have a lot of co consciousness because I can see what a lot of my alters do and say. In the past I didn't know thats what I was doing. I didn't know I had alters. I also didn't know that everyone didn't think like I did. Sense going to therapy I have learned that many of my feelings belong to a specific alter. So when I feel very sad and want to cry I will now ask my alter what is wrong and than wait for a response. If I get a response I try to continue the exchange of thought. This process has helped me to identify individual alters. And that has enabled me to talk with them. What I found out is that some of my alters are actually happier now that they know I know they exist. They don't feel left out. For one of my alters Brian, talking with him enabled him to tell me why he was angry with me. I was than able to apologize to him. We talked about what each wanted. He understands me better and I know he is here. I think we both understand each better and that has helped to make us safer.

[Davino]

Sanity is elusive. Stay strong.