[possum220]

I am so sick of the voices, the spasms, the tics, the splits, the never ending years of all the ****. Still no end in sight. I saw a new T this week. And I was in a really bad way driving home. My head was moving from side to side (quite common for me lately) and wouldn't stop then the grunting surprised me. I sent this T and email and he asked me if I had any ideas on what we could do differently. IF i had a clue I would have done it along time ago.

It seems as if the road will never end and I just want to shut the whole world out.

[Claritytoo]

When I am all f'd up after talking to my t it usually means that I pried open a window. That I am closer to what makes us tick. I don't remember much of my child hood. I have fixed memories that I have had for years but never new ones. These memories are like a mantra. When my friends are talking about their childhood memories (good memories) I have a set amount of these good memories. They are real but I they are the only things that I remember. I have bad memories but I have drained them of all emotion so I sound like an observer when I tell them. When I talk in session it sometimes jars memories that cause me to switch or hide. Sometimes it is days later before I feel back to "normal". It sometimes take a week before I agree to go back to session. This stirring up of my memories is painful and scary but if I want to move past what happened I believe I need to remember. I just have spent sooooo many years protecting myself from remembering. I would say continue to let your t know how you feel about the sessions and let him know that sometimes you may just want to talk about the weather. That every session doesn't have to be about my past. That helped me with continuing with my therapy. I hope you feel better. And your t sounds like he understands DID and that's a good thing.

[possum220]

I know my T is quite happy to chat about cats. But whats the point if we are just wasting time?

When I do get triggered there doesn't seem to be anything new going on. I wish there was. I want to start cancelling appointments.

[Claritytoo]

My t likes to talk about helping cats and dogs. Sometimes when I leave I think the same thing, that the visit was a waste of time. But as I drive home and later on in the day I realize that it gave me a break from the times when I have a difficult session. It kinda makes it easier for me to show up for the next appointment. I don't know if she does it on purpose or not. I know that if I wanted to change the subject back to my issues she would, but I usually just let the conversation continue because I realize I need a break. I started therapy thinking I would be done in a year maybe two. It has taken me some time to accept that I may need twice that or more. But I know I am better for having someone to talk to that doesn't think I'm nuts. She gets that I am not always the same and that I forget things. I think just being able to be myself when in session helps all of us.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by possum220

I am so sick of the voices, the spasms, the tics, the splits, the never ending years of all the ****. Still no end in sight. I saw a new T this week. And I was in a really bad way driving home. My head was moving from side to side (quite common for me lately) and wouldn't stop then the grunting surprised me. I sent this T and email and he asked me if I had any ideas on what we could do differently. IF i had a clue I would have done it along time ago.

It seems as if the road will never end and I just want to shut the whole world out.

possum Im sorry you are having such a hard time right now. before I was integrated my therapist would say the same thing, asking me what we could do differently. it was her way of including me and my ideas in the therapy process.

she is a firm believer in the saying (and said it often) ...no one knows you better than yourself, its your body and your alters so it is you that must tell me when something is not working and help point the way to alternatives that may help, take time to relax and come up with some ideas that you would like to try, this isnt a sole venture of me fixing you, you must do your part too.

I know its hard to think about ...what do I need at this moment...what do I need from my therapist that will help me through this rough time...

I hated it every time my therapist would throw those statements out to me but she was right. she wasnt inside my body and she could not read my mind and automatically know what I needed to do differently / what I needed from her at that moment I let her know I was having a problem. but it did help that she wasnt automatically telling me what to do with my body. So many treatment providers in my life had been the kind that were like well here you go this is what we are going to do, translated meant you are going to do what I say to do whether you like it or not. I was just totally shocked when I first got this therapist that was actually asking me what we could do differently/asking me to tell her what I needed from her. All I could say the first few times was....I dont know, if I knew that I wouldnt be here right and other versions of I dont know.

but with practice and over time this treatment option of my therapist including me in the process instead of just telling me what to do, became easier and easier.

question...what did you need when you wrote this post... Im guessing because the title is "sorry need to vent" you came here because you wanted someone to know what was going on with you. Im guessing you needed to get all those thoughts out of your head...

the reason I asked the question was to show you, that you do know what you need. it may not have been a long drawn out process of figuring out what you need, but you just did it. you did what you needed for yourself.

its that same kind of thing my therapist was looking for and may be what your therapist is looking for from you. when something happens and you have the urge to tell your therapist something is going on, that something didnt work, or made things worse..while still in that moment that you feel somethings not right, something is wrong, your tired, frustrated and triggered by whats happening, add an I wonder if we can try this or something like ...this made this happen so we cant do that again maybe we should do this instead..

then through trial and error of trying things you and your therapist will find that one thing that calms everything down for you.

[possum220]

There have been times when my neck has been locked in a position and I have had the time to listen to my body and move the rest of my body until the spasm was released. Other times when my P'doc doesn't have the luxury of time and he asks me if he can help and then he manipulates my head and neck and that releases the spasm.

Other times my thought processes often just go totally blank and I don't have a clue. When I wrote the first post I just needed to get the frustration out of my system. Since then, when I think about seeing my T or P'doc my head starts off again. This morning I cancelled my appointment for Wednesday.

I am glad they don't force things on me. I If I knew I would more that happily tell them. I do have a good relationship with them. I do hope we can find a solution.

Right now I am exhausted.