Confused

Hi Everyone,

I’ve been reading through several of the topics on the board and got to this one and suddenly had many many questions. In my childhood I was a victim of physical/emotional abuse, and have been trying to cope the best I can since. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with a PD by a LCSW. Since then, I have changed my T. She will neither confirm the diagnosis or deny it. Recently she has told me that I do have some problems with dissociation. I have been reading more about it and some things fit and others don’t. I know there are parts of me that operate differently than other parts. Sometimes I am really sad, and when I am I think differently than when I am doing well. The things I say and do when I’m said often embarrass me when I’m feeling okay. My T and I are working on some major issues right now and when thinking about them I become very upset. During these times, things happen to me that I don’t understand. Once, when I was driving to my T’s office I got lost. This made me angry because I couldn’t recall the road she was on even though I had driven it many times. Another time on the way home from my T’s office, I was driving and it was like I suddenly left, and when I came back I didn’t know where I was. My children tell me that I said something at different times and I can’t remember saying it. Then, there was the other day when I went to the dollar store and picked up some juice glasses, I was unwrapping them and told my husband I had gotten six and the other 4 were in the car. He shook his head back and forth and said look behind you, you just unwrapped the other 4. My daughter takes skating lessons, we were all in the car one day and she said that I told her that my grown son had taken them when he was her age. I told her he never took them and I didn’t tell her that. He was sitting beside me in the car and he said yes mom, I did take skating lessons when I was young and you did tell her that. I still don’t remember him ever taking skating lessons.

My moods change. Sometimes I feel childish, other times I feel like I’m doing okay, and other times I feel very very sad. I remember several events that happened in my childhood but a lot of it is forgotten. I really want to heal. I’m wondering if I may have did, but then I tell myself no, this couldn’t be it because these different moods and feelings I have don’t have a name. I’m just really confused and would really like to heal. Any thoughts on what may be going on? Is it just a really bad case of my not being able to pay attention or something else that is going on with me. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

there are many types of dissociative disorders for example Dissociative fugue, dissociative amnesia, depersonalization disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder, DDNOS (dissociative disorder not otherwise specified) here's some info from NAMI (national Allaince for mental illness) ............

Dissociative disorders are so-called because they are marked by a dissociation from or interruption of a person's fundamental aspects of waking consciousness (such as one's personal identity, one's personal history, etc.). Dissociative disorders come in many forms, the most famous of which is dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). All of the dissociative disorders are thought to stem from trauma experienced by the individual with this disorder. The dissociative aspect is thought to be a coping mechanism -- the person literally dissociates himself from a situation or experience too traumatic to integrate with his conscious self. Symptoms of these disorders, or even one or more of the disorders themselves, are also seen in a number of other mental illnesses, including post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder.

Dissociative amnesia: This disorder is characterized by a blocking out of critical personal information, usually of a traumatic or stressful nature. Dissociative amnesia, unlike other types of amnesia, does not result from other medical trauma (e.g. a blow to the head). Dissociative amnesia has several subtypes:

Localized amnesia is present in an individual who has no memory of specific events that took place, usually traumatic. The loss of memory is localized with a specific window of time. For example, a survivor of a car wreck who has no memory of the experience until two days later is experiencing localized amnesia.
Selective amnesia happens when a person can recall only small parts of events that took place in a defined period of time. For example, an abuse victim may recall only some parts of the series of events around the abuse.
Generalized amnesia is diagnosed when a person's amnesia encompasses his or her entire life.
Systematized amnesia is characterized by a loss of memory for a specific category of information. A person with this disorder might, for example, be missing all memories about one specific family member.
Dissociative fugue is a rare disorder. An individual with dissociative fugue suddenly and unexpectedly takes physical leave of his or her surroundings and sets off on a journey of some kind. These journeys can last hours, or even several days or months. Individuals experiencing a dissociative fugue have traveled over thousands of miles. An individual in a fugue state is unaware of or confused about his identity, and in some cases will assume a new identity (although this is the exception).

Dissociative identity disorder (DID), which has been known as multiple personality disorder, is the most famous of the dissociative disorders. An individual suffering from DID has more than one distinct identity or personality state that surfaces in the individual on a recurring basis. This disorder is also marked by differences in memory which vary with the individual's "alters," or other personalities. For more information on this, see the NAMI factsheet on dissociative identity disorder.

Depersonalization disorder is marked by a feeling of detachment or distance from one's own experience, body, or self. These feelings of depersonalization are recurrent. Of the dissociative disorders, depersonalization is the one most easily identified with by the general public; one can easily relate to feeling as they in a dream, or being "spaced out." Feeling out of control of one's actions and movements is something that people describe when intoxicated. An individual with depersonalization disorder has this experience so frequently and so severely that it interrupts his or her functioning and experience. A person's experience with depersonalization can be so severe that he or she believes the external world is unreal or distorted.

Treatment
Since dissociative disorders seem to be triggered as a response to trauma or abuse, treatment for individuals with such a disorder may stress psychotherapy, although a combination of psychopharmacological and psychosocial treatments is often used. Many of the symptoms of dissociative disorders occur with other disorders, such as anxiety and depression, and can be controlled by the same drugs used to treat those disorders. A person in treatment for a dissociative disorder might benefit from antidepressants or antianxiety medication.

........ If you want to know specifically which type of disorder that you have you can ask your therapist to refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist to take a comprehensive Psychological Evaluation with suplimental tests for Dissociative Disorders.

medication cant fix DID but antidepressants and so on can help with the anxiety and panic that you feel when you realize you have lost time

as for what specifically is going on with you only a professional can tell you that. it could be a disorder or since all people naturally have some dissociative abilities it could also be normal if you are under stress for people do at times normally forget things that they say and do if they are under stress or just having a very busy day.

Some medical problems also cause forgetfulness and getting lost and so on so for example a recent fall in which the person hit their head, tumors, naatural aging process, alzeimers and so on and again only your family physician can rule those things out.

Since you are in therapy your therapist is your best option for finding out what is going on specifically for you.

hang in there

Hi 4510,
Myself gave some great information. I just wanted to say welcome and good luck. Definitely the best thing to do is talk to your therapist. He or she might already know what's going on and if not, needs to be aware of the possibility. It's a hard thing and the brain is so complex. It's amazing what it does to cope.

My T knew what was going on with me well before I did. If you already feel safe with your T, that's a major plus I think. I hope it's not what you have (because of the major struggles involved with it) but your T will know how to help better if all the cards are on the table.

Good luck to you in your journey to healing.

Thank you Myself and WanttoHeal,

I have talked to my therapist about it. I feel very good about my T and I've made progress since seeing her. The only thing I don't like about her is her refusal to diagnose. She says everyone is on a continuum and it's impt to focus on getting better rather than any label. My other diagnosis was made by a LCSW. This frustrates me because if I don't know what I'm dealing with I can't research to find out more about it and ways to make it better. She has said I have problems with dissociation. Sometimes the incidents are very brief, like the incident with the glasses. Other times if I'm feeling real stressed it feels like I've left, and when I come back I'm not sure where I am, like with the incidents in the car. From what you have described, it seems to me mine is probably depersonalization disorder. These incidents last from just a few seconds to almost an hour in some cases, but never more than that. My T has referred me to a psychiatrist and I have been given remeron and lorazepam. I doubt she'd refer me to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis though because she doesn't beleieve that would be helpful. It makes me kind of paranoid sometimes because I'm wondering if she thinks I'm so messed up that knowing a diagnosis wouldn't be helpful for me. But I know that it would because I could research on what has helped others and try to follow in their paths. Thanks for all the information. It's taking a while for it all to sink in.

yea sometimes trying to get the therapists to understand that it helps to know whats going on but yet some therapists don't tell their clients. One time I had a therapist who would not tell me anything just sat there and uh huh'ed at me and when I asked her if she knew what was wrong with me she told me it wasn't improtant. she wanted me to focus on my problems not read up on the disorder and end up possibly reading more into my symptoms or consciously or unconsciously creat more problems if I saw a symptom that I didn't have so I create it. she wanted her clients to focus on their problems not make up more from research and so on. I told her to get real. yes some people do thrive on chaos and need to create problems in order to live but I had enough problems in my live already that I don't want why would I create more. She laughed and went back to uh huhing and staring out the window.

I agree using research from others that have survived this before me has helped me and my past therapist so much in developing my treatment plans.

You can always contact psychiatrists on your own and do the tests. if you need a refural for insurance purposes go through your family physician. you can always tell your physician you want a second opinion for what your present therapist and psychiatrist is doing for you. Alot of people get second opinions on anything be it physical or mental so your physician won't think its out of the ordinary.

She said it wasn't important? And thought you would create more problems? Yikes. Are you still seeing her? It sounds like she was playing a power trip on you. My T says she just doesn't believe labels are helpful, and she seems to be trustworthy soooooo, i surf the net anyway to find my answers. I'm not sure whether I'll contact a p or not, it's not that I have to know, it would just give me more of an idea about what to research. There is so much good info online. Thanks for all your help. I appreciate it. Have a great weekend.

no and it wasn't in reference to my having DID. When I got my files she had wrote me up as being "Schizo testing results pending" I dropped her years and years ago. She asked me to go through testing and I told her since she doesn't want me to know wht I have then she might as well not know what my official diagnosis is either. Then I told her I would be in to pick up a copy of my file in a week have it ready for me because she was no longer going to be my therapist. LOL She didn't like that and tried to tell me that she could not give me my file so I told her fine forward it to the rape crisis center where I was seeing a counselor there for the recent sexual assault. She tried to stall it because she knew the rape crisis counselor would (and did) give me a copy of the file.

The therapist I have now is a good one. she is very open and so on.