[RedSkies]

Hey all, new here, this is my first post.

Anyways, thanks to any who read this. This is a rundown of me.

When I was a kid, before 10, my mom died. I went into denial -- I either convinced myself it didn't happen, or more than anything, that I didn't care. I became successful at it, and in retrospect, that's clearly where my dissociation began...

Life was somewhat normal though, filled with happy memories, though I doubt I was ever fully "human" in any way. But everything took a drastic turn for the worst when I was 19 and my first girlfriend and me broke up. We had been dating for 13 months, and I loved her dearly. Upon our breakup, I cried every day for 8 months practically. I felt alone, like I couldn't breath -- like I was collapsing.

Then one day at the end of those 8 months, something changed. Something snapped. I told myself "I don't care" and the crying stopped. Everything stopped. I all but lost the ability to cry, and all but lost the ability to feel much anything at all.

5.5 years later, and I've gotten worse. I can never experience happiness, except in retrospect through memories. I never feel anything in the moment, except anger, but recently I've been able to even overcome that largely. People say they wish they didn't have to feel, and somehow I achieved it, and now I see what a monster it is, and want desperately to reverse it. I don't feel excitement, I don't feel happiness, I feel nothing but pain, or numbness and sadness. I fear being alone.

I am engaged these days, and feel dependent on my fiance unfortunately. She wants to know why I don't feel, though I've explained this. I wish I had the true answer for what I've somehow broken, but more than anything, I wish desperately I could fix it.

I need to know how to fix it. I can't stand being emotionless anymore. Luckily I have some narcissistic traits (though perhaps backwards, due more to an obsession with fixing myself than overcompensating for flaws), which prevent me from being suicidal 100%. But I feel a false sense of confidence, a false sense of being. I don't feel emotion -- I want to feel happiness, I want to feel excitement, adventure... but I don't.

And I want to again.

[optimize990h]

Hello Red Skies! Welcome to PsychCentral!

I understand the situation you described. I felt like this a long time ago when I was on an antidepressant. I think that sooner or later, you will have to see your primary doctor to determine what treatment would be effective.

I am sure other PC members will have ideas as well. So, my opinion is a suggestion-take what you like and leave the rest behind.

[Claritytoo]

Originally Posted by RedSkies

Hey all, new here, this is my first post.

Anyways, thanks to any who read this. This is a rundown of me.

When I was a kid, before 10, my mom died. I went into denial -- I either convinced myself it didn't happen, or more than anything, that I didn't care. I became successful at it, and in retrospect, that's clearly where my dissociation began...

Life was somewhat normal though, filled with happy memories, though I doubt I was ever fully "human" in any way. But everything took a drastic turn for the worst when I was 19 and my first girlfriend and me broke up. We had been dating for 13 months, and I loved her dearly. Upon our breakup, I cried every day for 8 months practically. I felt alone, like I couldn't breath -- like I was collapsing.

Then one day at the end of those 8 months, something changed. Something snapped. I told myself "I don't care" and the crying stopped. Everything stopped. I all but lost the ability to cry, and all but lost the ability to feel much anything at all.

5.5 years later, and I've gotten worse. I can never experience happiness, except in retrospect through memories. I never feel anything in the moment, except anger, but recently I've been able to even overcome that largely. People say they wish they didn't have to feel, and somehow I achieved it, and now I see what a monster it is, and want desperately to reverse it. I don't feel excitement, I don't feel happiness, I feel nothing but pain, or numbness and sadness. I fear being alone.

I am engaged these days, and feel dependent on my fiance unfortunately. She wants to know why I don't feel, though I've explained this. I wish I had the true answer for what I've somehow broken, but more than anything, I wish desperately I could fix it.

I need to know how to fix it. I can't stand being emotionless anymore. Luckily I have some narcissistic traits (though perhaps backwards, due more to an obsession with fixing myself than overcompensating for flaws), which prevent me from being suicidal 100%. But I feel a false sense of confidence, a false sense of being. I don't feel emotion -- I want to feel happiness, I want to feel excitement, adventure... but I don't.

And I want to again.

Are you in therapy? Do you take medication? Have you ever been in therapy for this issue? I used to think I could figure it out on my own right up until the wheels started coming off. I swore I would never take medication. Medication saved my life. I thought I could never see a therapist because I would die if I was over come with my emotions. I see a therapist and I have not died. I have had to allow myself to feel the emotions I have stuffed for decades but we are taking baby steps and that works. I am sad that you are going through this but if you are not talking with a therapist you should. At least get an evaluation as to what may be causing your symptoms. I wish you well with your journey.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by RedSkies

Hey all, new here, this is my first post.

Anyways, thanks to any who read this. This is a rundown of me.

When I was a kid, before 10, my mom died. I went into denial -- I either convinced myself it didn't happen, or more than anything, that I didn't care. I became successful at it, and in retrospect, that's clearly where my dissociation began...

Life was somewhat normal though, filled with happy memories, though I doubt I was ever fully "human" in any way. But everything took a drastic turn for the worst when I was 19 and my first girlfriend and me broke up. We had been dating for 13 months, and I loved her dearly. Upon our breakup, I cried every day for 8 months practically. I felt alone, like I couldn't breath -- like I was collapsing.

Then one day at the end of those 8 months, something changed. Something snapped. I told myself "I don't care" and the crying stopped. Everything stopped. I all but lost the ability to cry, and all but lost the ability to feel much anything at all.

5.5 years later, and I've gotten worse. I can never experience happiness, except in retrospect through memories. I never feel anything in the moment, except anger, but recently I've been able to even overcome that largely. People say they wish they didn't have to feel, and somehow I achieved it, and now I see what a monster it is, and want desperately to reverse it. I don't feel excitement, I don't feel happiness, I feel nothing but pain, or numbness and sadness. I fear being alone.

I am engaged these days, and feel dependent on my fiance unfortunately. She wants to know why I don't feel, though I've explained this. I wish I had the true answer for what I've somehow broken, but more than anything, I wish desperately I could fix it.

I need to know how to fix it. I can't stand being emotionless anymore. Luckily I have some narcissistic traits (though perhaps backwards, due more to an obsession with fixing myself than overcompensating for flaws), which prevent me from being suicidal 100%. But I feel a false sense of confidence, a false sense of being. I don't feel emotion -- I want to feel happiness, I want to feel excitement, adventure... but I don't.

And I want to again.

I cant tell you how to fix you, only you can fix you. what I can tell you is what jumps out at me in your post.....

according to your post both times when you shut off your feelings so you wouldnt feel, was when you were depressed and it was a conscious choice to do so (you told your self things like it didnt matter and made yourself not feel)

in this kind of situation sometimes all it takes is the person choosing (making another conscious choice) to feel again that will enable them to open the gates to feeling again. they find a reason to come alive emotionally again. for some people that will to come emotionally alive again comes from their love of someone in their life, or their love of a hobby/special interest/ a new job...Ive even seen people who have made the conscious choice to not feel anymore because of grief /depressing things come back alive emotionally just by getting a new hair style, getting physically fit...and a change of antidepressants if they are on them.

my suggestion start out small. maybe locate a mental health treatment provider. therapists, psychiatrists or psychologist so you wont have to keep your feelings bottled up inside you. then find something you enjoy..a hobby or do something together with your girl or by yourself that will help you relax and have some fun.. theres no better way to wake up the emotions by doing something thats going to make you smile or laugh.. then when you are smiling /laughing take time to check inside and notice how you are feeling...as time goes on maybe you will see that its ok to let your self feel again and when that happens maybe you will be able to make that conscious choice to not shut off your self when you are feeling not only happy things but the painful too. have faith in your self..according to your post you made the choice to not feel, you have it in you somewhere to make the choice to feel again.

[monarch_butterfly]

I suggest going to your doctor and seeing if you can start some therapy. In the mea time maybe start journaling just write whatever comez into your head. Even if its i enjoyed work today or something. I find i can get a lot out of my head through journaling.