*sigh*

I'm tired of being different. I'm tired of people not understanding why sometimes I(we) claim different things at different times. They will not realize an alter is out and they will sometimes become frustrated with me because I can't respond in the same way.

I end up feeling miserable, like im letting people down. I've tried to explain the whole alter thing and treating them like the persons they are. IT is still hard though and I have to admit sometimes Id like to just pretend they aren't there.

Having a hard time communicating with others lately. Security walls went wayyy up when met with pdoc.

Baby thinks she has nice blond hair. Melly thinks she is out to get us just like all the other adults and will just yell and tell us we are bad and maybe even hit us.

I dont know how i feel.

The other morning was really bad with an alter repeatedly saying we were bad, no good, rotten, not good for anything, deserved to be hit...

Im exhausted/wired right now. Think I am this triggered now, and I havent even gotten into talking about stuff. Im just talking abut talking about stuff.

hang in there rainbowz. it does get better.

I have found that its easier not to try and explain to others. in fact I can't explain to t=others when I am acting from that of my memory pieces because those that have not been integrated I have no awareness of what is happening when I am dissociated into those memories. and the integrated memory pieces I no longer act out.

I have also learned to trust how things are when I am dissociated. The way I see it I have been losing time and so on since I was a kid so obviously I have been dissociating and acting out my memory pieces since I was a child and no one noticed a difference then so they are not going to notice a major difference now. From what I have been told my DID is a protection measure that my brain took so that I could continue functioning - even though I was mentally floating in clouds physically I had to continue doing everything that was going on in that moment while I was disociated. and so the memory pieces that I got triggered into are those that had to do with whatever was going on in that moment when I was dissociated. and my DID works the same way today - based on triggers and what is going on around me and what I have to do that I am upset about or afraid of and so on. so when I dissociate it is rarely noticable to a huge degree. they can tell "something" is different and that I dont seem to be the same during a whole conversation.

A few have later told me they tried to ask me if I was alright but I wouldn't answer them or I said something in a tone of voice that didn't sound like me but I don't explain.

the reason I don't is because I have gone aboput 40 years with DID and a majority of that was before I knew what was wrong with my thinking processes and the way my brain separated my memories so that I now act them out. Im here and in tact. I survived 40 years of being dissociated 95-100% of the time, I graduated high school without failing a grade. just barely but I did it. I was able to work part time for a college with no problems. I graduated college with the deans leadership award on top. I worked as a librarian and had somehow done it with no problems at all, worked as a custodian and had no problems doing that while dissociated, able to care for, teach and tutor children while dissociated, in fact if anything I am still alive because I have this ability to dissociate. and because I have the ability to dissociate I can do more at one time then most people can do because of my DID is trigger related meaining I go into which ever memory piece needed for whatever needs to be done. at a pet store with two children and the owner wanted me to hold a spider to show the children it was ok. sure no problem mentally Im out of here and who ever likes spiders have at it. LOL got hit by a car. see that car coming at me sure no problem Im mentally out of here. the next thing I know Im safe and sound at home. get lost going to an audiology appointment because I have never been there I mentally go off to la la land and the next thing I know Im sitting safe and sound at the audiologist appointment.

Bottom line is that my DID has allowed me to survive and funtion all my life and so its going to do so now no matter what is going on I can trust the fact that if I get lost Im going to be able to get home while dissociated and so on.

So when people ask me what was going on when they do notice I am different. I don't explain if that person is not a part of my daily life they don't need to know I have DID. most times the reaction is step back away from me and give me a strange look and say - you mean like sybil you are a sybil?. Then for some reason I want to punch them . so I don't and when its someone I do have in my life I say sorry Im a survivor of rape so sometimes I space off due to PTSD and flashbacks and when that happens I talk a bit differently like Im back there again. Everyone knows what flashbacks are because people in the military get ptsd and flashbacks. They look at me and say ok now where was I..oh yea I was telling you about...

As for the different hair syles clothing and so on. I kind of fixed that problem. When I am aware I add what I know about my memory pieces to what I am doing that way when I am dissociated its not that noticeable. As Mary I wear my hear up sometimes so somedays out of no where I will say hold on I really nead to get this hair back out of my face, or its so hot I wish I had brought with me a rubber band. Some meory pieces wear purple, or black or, green and so on, so when I go shopping for clothing I try to buy my shirts in styles that have more than one color in it, for example right now I am wearing a shirt that has a picture on it with purple pink green in it. that way people are used to seeing me in a variety of collored shirts so when I suddenly find I am in a black or red shirt no one else notices the difference.

The more you add to you present life that is contained withing the memory pieces or as you call it Alters the less questions by others that don't understand.

I have actually become so good at blending myself in with what I know about my memory pieces that my therapist had admitted from time to time that she was having trouble figuring out who is with her that day. LOL

Hang in there.

(((((((((( Rainbowzz )))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you.

{{{{{{{{Rainbow}}}}}}}} I have the same feelings as you do from time to time....I hold you in my thoughts...
Altheia

thank you myself. Lots of good information there. Makes real sense. Which is a blessing sometimes when nothing else does

pegasus and altheia

ohhhh sooooo understand!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally realized it does not matter what anyone on outside thinks. Is good if they know and understand but can not guarantee it.
Sucks and feels lonely lots of times but we give too much power to beings who are just as human as us. No maybe they know nothing of dividedness but they know of struggles too. Have to watch when we put ppl above us cuz we have dx of some sort cuz humans are humans and we all make our mistakes and have our weaknesses be it considered mental illness or not. We all struggel in some way.
littelest of turtels

((((((((((((( Rainbowzz )))))))))))))

everyone is human. what makes us different?

(((((((((((((((( bowz )))))))))))))))))))

I hope things get better really soon.

Hugs,

Jan

your welcome Rainbowz hang in there.