[Kendyll]

I guess that's a good thing. I don't really WANT to.
But dealing with the everyday real life stuff all the time, always facing it and coping and getting through and on to the next thing. I get TIRED. so TIRED. When I dissociated, it was almost like I could get a break and it wasn't all real. Of course, it was all still there when I came back, but I got to be away for a while. I couldn't do it on purpose or anything...I just would get all stressed out sometimes and I would go away. Now I'm here, all the time, no matter what. I guess I'm getting pretty good at coping 'cause I'm doing it a lot. I don't want to be sick like I was! but there's a tiny bit of me that misses being able to be sick like that, just a little.

In other news, my husband Jon's alters are getting pretty integrated. Everybody's still there if you ask them, but they don't need to be separate most of the time. It's mostly a good thing, because that's how it's "supposed" to be, and it's a lot easier on Jon to be one instead of five. But I miss them and he misses them and they miss me (They have him all the time). We were friends. I know they'll always be part of him and they'll never go all the way away even if they do integrate. I just miss them sometimes. I'm glad Jon feels better. They've all done a lot of work together and I'm very proud of them.

It's been a long year. My Daddy died in January. One friend died in June and another friend died in July - not people I saw every day, but good people even from a distance. My Twinkie cat died on Tuesday. My grandmother is dying - they took the IV's out last night.

I'm just really sad and tired and I wish I could get away with being sick again except that I'm better now and I know how not to be sick. I don't want to be sick. I just want to feel better and I wish I could get a break. But the kids will be back over tomorrow and there's getting ready for Christmas and there's planning the trip up north for the upcoming funeral. At least my Christmas shopping is done!

[Travelinglady]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with so much. I am wondering if you have a therapist to give you some support.

[falling star]

hugs
i want to say that i struggle with mild DD..just the kind where i go away a little. I do like how refreshed i feel when i come back. Sometimes life just gets too hard.

Welcome to my world. I miss them. I miss being able to easily escape. I love being well, but I miss them terribly.

[Kendyll]

Thanks everyone.
My Grandma died Christmas morning.

No, I don't have a T right now. I "graduated" from regular therapy a couple of years ago and I've been doing OK. I might have to look into seeing someone, just for a while, until I mellow out. I agree - I love being well, but once in a while I wish I could "get away with" being sick for a change. I KNOW that well is better...

[Neptune83]

I'm so sorry about your grandmother. I know how painful it is, I miss my grandmother terribly. We were so close and often I felt she was the only one who wouldn't judge me and would always be there. She passed away when I was 13 and I'm 30 now but don't miss her any less! She was a real star.
I think it would be good for you to get a little support through this difficult time. I think it's wonderful that you're doing so well but I can see what you're saying. I guess that was your only, and automatic way of escaping and how you coped then, you need a way of getting an escape now that's healthy.
I hope this new year brings much less stress for you and much more happiness