What is cognitive dissonance exactly....

And how does it affect the way that we feel about ourselves and how we relate to other people especially? I did look it up, but I'm still not really sure what it is exactly on HOW it affects how we see other people. Can someone please provide examples of this?

Let's say for example that you just met a new person that you think you'd like as a friend, but then someone that you know tells you that person isn't as nice as they appear to be. Is that cognitive dissonance, or is it something else?

Cognitive dissonance is when you believe or value one thing but do something else. If you believe in giving everyone a chance, or you just think that this new person would be nice to get to know as a friend, and then someone you know tells you that that new person isn't so nice as you think, then you have two different beliefs about that person. If you avoid the person even though you wanted to be friends with them, your actions contradict your belief, and that is uncomfortable. That is cognitive dissonance. On the other hand, if you trust the advice of your other friend who advised you against the new person, but you move ahead with the new person anyway, that also might cause cognitive dissonance because you would be doing something against your better judgment again.

Cognitive dissonance is so uncomfortable, that we justify our actions to ourselves and convince ourselves that we really did the right thing even if it wasn't what we really thought was the best choice. It is often a lot harder to change your actions than to convince yourself that what you thought was true really wasn't, or just isn't a big deal after all. What bad habits do you have? You know it's a bad habit, right? How many people have told you that it's a bad habit? And you keep doing it? What are you telling yourself that makes it okay to keep doing something that you know is not good for you? You might not even be aware of it because it happens so fast, and you convince yourself that there is really no problem, so the cognitive dissonance disappears and you keep right on doing what you do. We all do this, way more than we are aware.

Cognitive dissonance can also motivate change, if you feel that difference enough between what you know is best for you vs. what you do. You can increase your ability to be aware of cognitive dissonance, and to make a more intentional or conscious choice rather than using justification or other thinking errors to give yourself permission not to change your behavior. Ask yourself, "why am I feeling funny about this?" Give yourself an honest answer. "Oh yeah, I never thought that I would be risking my health and safety this way" (or whatever other thoughts are coming from the part of you that is trying to look out for your own best interests). If you aren't sure, check it out with someone who will give you a real answer. Not someone who will help you justify. You probably really know the difference. Make it a point to work on changing negative, risky, destructive, or harmful behaviors and to be honest with yourself. It's hard sometimes, but you know you would be better off if you do it. Not that any of us are perfect at this.

As for how it affects how we see other people, I think of cognitive dissonance mostly affecting how you deal with yourself. But sometimes it is easier to see cognitive dissonance in others than in ourselves. Sometimes we want to be helpful and challenge them on it, or let them know that they are doing something that is bad for them, and they know better! And people point it out to us too. And most of the time, do we react to those challenges with "OMG, you are completely right. I'm going to change right now!," or do we defend our choices, just like we justify it in our own minds. Do you resent it when someone tells you something in your own best interest, and you already knew it, but you didn't want to think about it? Most of us do. But what if you are aware that when you get defensive and feel resentful, it might mean that they have a point and you would be better off if you did take it into consideration? Again, easier said than done, but still it's doable. What do we have to lose but some bad habits and self-destructive thinking and behavior?

Thanks Rapunzel, that really helped me understand things so much better-