Sad Night Tonight

Tonight I wento see my T & I asked for an appt for my H & I. I'm trying very hard in T to be honest & to work hard...which I've been doing, but I've been hiding a lot from my H to protect him.
Tonight my T explained DID to him & about my active parts & what they've been up to. About how I dissociate...things that have happened during those times & how we're working on amnesiac walls that have formed between the parts.
It was very hard to listen to. Felt like she was discussing someone else. The entire time I kept getting this vibe from my H that he was getting more & more irritated. When she was finished he said he felt very angry & betrayed. He kept saying how tired he was of all of this & he didn't understand it. He broke down & wept. He was angry w/ me, my family & how I was raised that all this happened. His first concern is for our 3 small kids & whether I should even be taking care of them alone. I'm a SAH mom. He started to say some very hurtful things about me. That I can't be trusted anymore around the kids if I can't totally stay present. That this is basically the last thing he wanted to hear.
I felt like my T was telling my most dark secrets, bearing my soul, trying to come clean & I was going to be punished for all this.
What I needed more than anything was for someone to tell me I'm not alone w/ all this. I'm not a crazy monster. They'd walk this journey w/me & hold my hand.
I've never felt so bitterly alone. I'm useless to my family.

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I'm so sorry that happened. A similar thing happened to me with my nieces, but that is so much different than your own kids. You are not alone in this. Your T has a responsibility to reassure your H.
I was kept from my nieces because of dissociative issues although I has successfully raised my two girls. No one in my family except my H stood up for me.
I think, after your T addressed your dissociation with your H, T should also tell him that diss.saved you and it isn't some Dr Heckle & Mr Hyde type thing.
I am sure you're a really capable mother.

Crazy is what was done TO YOU, not you. You're far from a monster. I understand that utterly alone feeling. You're welcome to PM me anytime.

I am sorry to hear that you are going through so much.

My H refused to sleep w/ me last night. Also Tells me not to discipline the kids anymore bec I don't do it right & he'll handle it. There's nothing left for me here

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He was supportive when he didn't know you had DID he will probably be supportive once he learns more about DID. Remember he is looking at it from the outside and with all the stereotypes that go along with the diagnosis. Give him room to breath and continue talking with him. He will see you are the same person you were before he found out about the diagnosis. And I am sure the kids need you. Give you and your H time to take it all in and see if he might want to speak with a t himself to help him through the rough spots. Be Well.

Remind him you are still the same person as before he knew about all you are dealing with. Seriously, and what was your T's professional opinion on your ability to be a responsible parent? It sounds like he is the one concerned because he doesn't understand and lfraid of the unknown. Your T is a professional and I sense she trusts you with the kids. I know I trust myself with kids because they bring out the alters that will keep them safe, but it's very tiring for us. I thinl your husband needs to support you and maybe with help of the T figure out how to coparent and be disciplining the same
way all the time so it's consistent whether it's from you or him. The children feel they are being treated fairly 'and see you are a team. If you can't discipline, that.would create a big mess where kids see you as someone the don't have to respect. I hate it when we try to deal with our issues and instead end up dealing with people thinking we are total maniacs that are going to turn into Hannibal Le ter or.something.

[QUOTE=likewater;3672137]Remind him you are still the same person as before he knew about all you are dealing with. Seriously, and what was your T's professional opinion on your ability to be a responsible parent? It sounds like he is the one concerned because he doesn't understand and lfraid of the unknown. Your T is a professional and I sense she trusts you with the kids. I know I trust myself with kids because they bring out the alters that will keep them safe, but it's very tiring for us. I think your husband needs to support you and maybe with help of the T figure out how to coparent and be disciplining the same
way all the time so it's consistent whether it's from you or him. The children feel they are being treated fairly 'and see you are a team. If you can't discipline, that.would create a big mess where kids see you as someone the don't have to respect. I hate it when we try to deal with our issues and instead end up dealing with people thinking we are total maniacs that are going to turn into Hannibal Lecter or.something. I think it's more like having any other condition. For example a mother with diabetes needs to take her medicine ,check her sugar, eat healthy and often and carry glucose. A mother with DID has medications or grounding techniques, perhaps lists of activities she and children can do to.self.soothe like painting or going to the library,making a salt garden.then of course on that list.you can put friends family neighbors Ts etc to call if help is needed. That's what I think.

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I don't have DID,but my H accused me in doing everything wrong or pretending to be good.It is not your DID,it is your H who needs to be able to see you for who you are.You are no more monster ,then someone diagnosed with diabetes or heart disease. You did not choose that..I hope initial shock of your H will ware off and things will get better.Everyone needs you,you are important part of your families life,remember that!
Take good care now,things will be better ...

Dear Patagonia,

I am so sorry that this is happening right now. As likewater said you are still the same person. Hopefully hubby just needs time to process the mound of information. Reality can hit us all hard. Maybe he can see your T on his own so he can address the questions that are in his head.

My thoughts go out to you. Gentle hugs if you want them.

Sitting with you in the rain.

Thank you everyone for responding; I do appreciate the feedback.
I know it was a huge blow to hear news like that & he'll need time to adjust. I just hope he realizes I'm in this too. It was a hit for me too & I've dealt w/ all this all by myself.
I think it'll b awhile until I'm asked to join the family again. In the mean time I try & do my chores & stay off the couch.
Thanks again

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(((safe hugs))) I know you're disappointed, and perhaps your T is also... and maybe your H will never fully understand. He needs reassurance that you are generally safe, and maybe even safer than some moms are because of your protector part of you... how everyone has "parts" (Disney promotes the inner child, right?) but yours are just beginning to talk to each other like HIS already do!

Breathe. I'm sure your T felt it was time, and now T will help you (and hopefully your H too) to continue to progress.

I hope you are doing ok. I am so sorry this is happening and you are hurting so deeply.

Thank you all. Today I got yelled at from my H for trying to discipline my DD. guess I'm still not invited back yet. Think I've been demoted to nanny/ housekeeper.

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Sorry your have this going on. It sorta makes me mad though, like your T outed you without sufficiently preparing your H. Or his capacity to take it in was vastly overestimated. Perhaps your T can help him assimilate the information in a way that includes supporting you...not vilifying you. And, remind me, why is allowed to do this again? Does it need to be about him so he can sort it out?

Yes, I think he needs help to see that you are the same person you were without the label. And so is he.

I'm sorry this seems to b an ongoing saga, but at least I know I can vent here.
Last night my H & I had a huge fight over holding back our one DD that's in kindergarten. We had discussed this decision since last fall & agreed it was in her best interest. Now after a parent teacher conference he's change his mind & wants her to advance although she's in the low performance group & is already getting pulled from class for extra help. Once again I feel like I had the rug pulled out from me. During the fight I told him several other times he did this to me. Not w/ little things but big life decisions & I always caved.
He said he's sick of me...wants his old wife back & again mentioned we should divorce. He told me to "pack up & move out". I have no place to go; no family to turn to. He knows that. He knows I'm financially dependent on him.
The next day he wrote an email to my T & his own T explaining the argument & what was said. He said he "wasn't sure who he was arguing with & if this was some 'alter' or something." He also said "As a matter of fact I am not ever sure that she is doing this DID stuff. "
In the end he said he finds me untrustworthy as his wife & as a mom. That I'm unstable & unreliable. He doesn't mince words.
My T wrote him back & asked him to come in for some couple sessions. When I had an appt w/ her she said the situation is getting too volitile & we needed to b in the same room.

I think what bothers me the most is that I hear him calling my T & me liars bec he doesn't think or believe in DID. How the hell do I combat that? Am I supposed to prove myself? I don't think it's my job to convince him. If he doesn't believe me than he won't support me. Again I'm all alone.
He said I was feeling marginalized which he thinks stems all from my depression.

Yesterday he called me from his work to tell me to send the kids outside to play today bec it was nice out. First duh, I knew that. Second I'm not a babysitter & have to b told how to take care of my children & third why does he think I can't b a good mom? I don't discipline the kids; I barely talk to them now thinking I might say something wrong. He has me second guessing everything.

I've always said that if every trigger lined up then I could pull it. I feel like I've lost my H & his love so that trigger is pulled. I also feel like I've lost my kids. He does all the playing w/ them & the discipline. I fade into the background. That's the ultimate trigger. I've lost my kids...there's no reason to be here.
At least when I'm dead hopefully someone will say ...well her suffering is over, her tortured life is done....hopefully she's at peace.

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I know many people react the way your husband does, my wife never did but I have family members that went through a period of time where my diagnosis scared them. once they knew my diagnosis they were able to look back on some questionable times in their minds where they got that gut feeling that something wasnt right...not the kind of somethings not right shes mental or something. the kind of somethings not right where I did or said something that was harmful, dangerous, rude, disrespectful....

before they knew my diagnosis it was easy to push what ever happened aside as being ...maybe shes just having a bad day.... after they knew the diagnosis it renewed those questionable things and instead of maybe shes having a bad day they now knew those questionable actions, things I said were not in my control and can happen again...

One thing about DID is that there is always a protector alter that is on the violent side, somewhere with in. that violent protector is created when a very young child is unable to say know, fight their abuser and protect their self. its that protector alters job to be rude, push others away, do what ever is needed even if its hit, kick throw scream....what ever the internal system needed to survive...

how that translates in parenting is sometimes a parent with DID may not always be safe with their children...(one of the reasons I waited until I was sure all my alters have been integrated and could parent my children safely with out acting out on my child(ren)

example....if a trigger for the DID person is children crying, saying no, sassing, refusing to do something or doing what their parents tell them to do because when they were kids they were not allowed to cry, say no and fight back against their abuser, then the DID person is going to switch into this violent alter that will either spank the child, shake the child, yell at the child, and other things that in this day and times the law considered to be abuse, even though when the DID person was a child those things may have been acceptable parenting.

this is some of what some of my relatives were concerned about when they discovered I was DID. they no longer knew whether I was going to be safe with them, their children, act appropriately what ever all because I had a history of those problems already. its not like DID just suddenly erupted inside of me, its been their since early childhood, and has been there all my life. getting a diagnosis doesnt change anything, just puts a name to whats already there for the persons whole life.

what helped me and these relatives is that I took time to understand where they are coming from..they were right to be concerned. having alters is no sweet picnic and can be very dangerous, unpredictable, scary...one moment everything is fine the next the person gets triggered and then that person may be happy, sad or even violent/suicidal/self injuring...

instead of expecting to be alone with these relatives and their children I would invite that parent to be part of what ever I was doing with their children....I'd like to take Eva to the mall would you like to come... even now with my own children when I am the least bit dissociated I let my wife know and plan other arrangements or ask my wife to take on the responsibilities that I usually do so that my dissociated frames of mind dont negatively impact our children...

example the other day I was feeling a bit disconnected, foggy minded. I told my wife we needed to get a sitter that day because she had to work and I did not want to get triggered by anything the children may be doing and then accidentally yell at them or what ever. my wife had to work and I only had a few hours of work that day. the babysitter picked the children up from day care, and even though I was home the sitter hung out doing a majority of the child care until my wife got off work. yesterday I was off work and alone with the children and my wife as a precaution kept calling in to check on me and the children, making sure I had been able to get them out and about for a bit, fed, bathed and all those parental things. today Im back to full awareness/grounded.

my suggestion...you know your husband has concerns and I bet if you think back to times when you have lost time or were co conscious of what was going on, you can see when things were not quite right, something was wrong...its just part of having DID, yes but those things can put children in danger, confuse the children,...so take it one step at a time, sit down with your husband and instead of fighting about whether you should be left alone with the children, talk about whats best for the children..maybe that means getting a sitter to be there with you so that should you get triggered and switch into an alter there is an adult that is grounded in the present moment and able take over until you are back to being grounded/non dissociated into the alter state of mind, maybe that means you take some parenting classes, maybe that means you and your husband make a parenting list to post on the fridge what is acceptable parenting and what isnt so that in times of stress, temper tantrums and when the child is doing wrong (which is when dissociatives usually dissociate) you can look at the list and know how to best handle the situation, maybe it means you take some classes in anger management, anxiety management, up your sessions with your therapist, add or change medication/dosages....there are all kinds of options that can put a family member at ease after finding out someone they love has a major mental disorder like DID.

My husband never accepted my mental health issues. He's one of those who believes we can "will" illness away. Ironically, he is not at all successful in "willing away" his own mental illness.

Anyway, DID is truly not that mysterious. All it is is various ego states that have separated from each other, rather than overlapping. It takes a very creative unconscious to give identities to those separate ego states.

It sounds like your husband is afraid and needs more and more and MORE education on your DID. I am so sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this...it's hard enough, without your partner's support it's so much harder.

I think some partners just cant handle mental health issues. You are the one that is hard done by. Your therapist has a lot to answer for. Dont give up for your kids sake. You are still the same person.

just wanted to comment on something that jumped out at me here....different locations cultures and what have you, use different definitions example....

what you call alters ego states....

here where I am located NY(the one in the USA) ego states and alters with DID are two different things...

here ego states are child parent and adult or as some people call it the ID Ego and super ego where anyone mental disordered or not has these defining states of mind where they react like a child on instincts and emotions (child ego/ID), take care of their self /self nurturing to their self, moralizing self (parent/super ego ) and think from the logical responsible organized point of view (adult /ego state). there is a therapy approach that goes with this called Transactional Analysis. if anyone wants more information on this its easy just do a search on .......Transactional Analysis... or on .... ID, Super ego and Ego ......you will find more information on this

where as DID type alters are a special type of alternate personality has their own jobs, purposes, reasons for being, .....here is how the DSM 5 defines alternate personalities....

A. Disruption of identity characterized by two or more distinct personality states which may be described in some cultures as an experience of possession. The disruption in identity involves marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behavior, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and or sensory-motor functioning. These signs and symptoms may be observed by others or reported by the individual.

The definition of MPD/DID isn't any different here in California than it is in NY. The American Psychiatric Association uses the same diagnostic criteria all over the USA...the DSM 5, as you noted.

Freud was the first person to define the Ego, Superego, and Id. Transactional Analysis used Freud's definition to design a certain type of therapeutic technique.

I believe that alters are personalities that remain separate until (if) they are integrated. As such, each personality has its own ego state.

Basically, we're saying the same thing. As for possession...who knows...I don't entirely disbelieve that possession exists.

Has he told you what his own T is saying? Maybe his reactions speak more about his issues than yours?

Just Thinkin.

((((Patagonia))))

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I experienced much the same thing and when my ex went to a therapy session with me, he told my T that I was to blame for everything, that I was the cause of all the problems. When my T tried to explain to him about DID, he refused to hear, refused to believe, refused to even try to understand. Before it was over I had dissociated, curled up in a ball terrified on the couch outside T's office as my ex triggered a reaction from within, and he laughed and walked out leaving me there. My T was in shock, as it was hard to bring me back, and my T said they would not talk with him again. He called her a liar and told her how she should be doing her job. It was an awful session and it shut me down.

There's a lot more that I am afraid to share, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. I've been where you are and I am so sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve what you are going through, it really pulls at my heart and has stirred up within me a fear I cannot explain, but one I so understand. Keep reaching out here and talking about it, you are being heard and we do care. You are not alone, even though I know how it feels so alone. My heart goes out to you, and I hear what you are saying.

dps

thanks for clarifying, maybe I can help with the possession idea....the diagnostics dont mean being possessed by demons/ghosts and the like. in some cultures the host sometimes perceives the ....switching .... dissociating as an alter took possession of the body...like someone who has taken an object is said to have taken possession of that object, another example someone caught by law enforcement with drugs is sighted with the crime of possession of drugs.

when I was first diagnosed the diagnostics did not include the term possession but those in my family that were afraid of me, my safety, their safety, called it being possessed because our culture called it that. if they noticed a switch they would say oh gosh here we go again rainy took possession of amanda's body again. it took quite a while for some members of my family/my tribe to get comfortable knowing I had DID.

original poster hope you are having a better day today.

Thanks amandalouise. It's nice to "talk" with you.