dissociation?

I'm diagnosed with BPII but I've never really talked to a doctor about what I think might be dissociation. Basically when it happens I feel like my emotions have been turned off. I go through the motions of whatever I'm doing, but my emotional connection to everything is gone. Nothing matters, but it's not scary. It's almost like I'm a third party watching myself do things.

I've experienced it a handful of times and it's becoming more frequent. I think I experienced it first when I was sexually abused by my sister's boyfriend. My first very clear memory of it happening was at a bar. I didn't want to be out and amongst so many people (I was struggling with anxiety and agoraphobia at the time) and all of a sudden my emotions were gone. My sisters noticed my face sort of looked blank and I told them I was leaving.

Another time I was annoyed with my roommates for being lazy. I went shopping for house supplies and when I got home I felt angry and started cleaning the tub. While cleaning the tub my hearing sort of changed and everything sounded like I was under water. I became acutely aware of my breathing and I didn't feel angry anymore. I felt nothing, but I was still thinking. I was sort of narrating my actions in my head ("I'm cleaning the tub. I don't feel anything.")

The last time it happened I was just getting ready for work. I was putting makeup on and suddenly something switched and I didn't feel like I was in my body. I was watching my body get ready and I was doing the narrating thing ("I'm putting mascara on. The sun is bright. I don't feel like myself.")

It's so weird. Do others dissociate for no reason? It doesn't make sense for me to dissociate while simply putting makeup on.

What has you therapist said about this?

in general dissociation is a reaction ....like when something sad happens you react by feeling sad, when someone says something that you may not like it makes you feel mad....

dissociation is a reaction to things going on in your life...

example when I get stressed out at work I start feeling numb, foggy minded.

as far as I know there is no such thing as dissociating for no reason. theres always a reason.....maybe the person is bored, or stressed out, or traumatized by something, triggered by something,...

if putting on make up is causing you to dissociate maybe the fix is stop putting on make up....thats how dissociation and fixing it works you find out what the trigger is and then change /stop what ever is the trigger.

example I cant wear mascara because when I try to put it on I start numbing, spacing out, when I stopped trying to wear mascara the dissociation symptoms stopped and I was able to do the rest of my routine.

cooking shrimp would cause me to dissociate, so instead of cooking shrimp my wife and I get take out at the red lobster down the street.

dissociation is one of the easiest things to fix because it is a reaction to something, find that something and make a change and that situation wont cause you to become dissociated again.

I do know of someone who seemed to dissociate for no reason, it turned out to be part of her bipolar disorder mania phase. you said you are BPII, my suggestion is contact your treatment providers, the solution for BP related dissociation is usually a medication adjustment/medication change or going on medication that can help slow down the bipolar symptoms/phases so that a person can have a more normal life.

Hi Prettybear,

Your explanation of how you are feeling seems to come the closest to what I've been experiencing. I've not found anyone before who seems to be able to relate to or understand my state of being.

I've had feelings of dissociation for a fairly long time (4 1/2 years maybe?)
Doctors and psychologists have always diagnosed me with things like generalised anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. But recently one suggested I was showing symptoms of PTSD. This didn't seem right to me, so I did some research and finally I've come across some things that really fit with what I've been trying to explain to people for so many years - depersonalisation disorder. I don't know how this differs really from dissociation/derealisation or whatever. But they all seem to be in the same ballpark.

My problems started by my trying to block out my thoughts. I'd have a thought and then it would be like a barrier would cut me off half sentence and I couldn't remember what I wanted to think. Then through a long period of intense stress, I started to feel like I was 'loosing myself'. I was losing tough with both my thoughts and emotions, and my memory as well.

Currently, I feel like I can't experience much emotion. I don't feel much of an emotional connection to anyone - not my parents, my boyfriend, my friends or even my (surely still beloved, somewhere...deep down) dog. I feel like I'm acting, just going through the motions. I also feel like everything I do doesn't really have any consequences, since I can't really feel anything at all. It's all difficult to explain to people because I feel like they will think I'm a permanently heartless monster who doesn't care about them.

I do feel like the emotions and the love and the memories are all still there someplace, they just aren't... at all accessible.

I feel like this all the time, sometimes to slightly lesser degrees and sometimes to stronger, but it never goes away.

And like you I don't feel scared - since fear is an emotion and I don't feel anything.

Anxiety does sometimes play a role though. Though I sleep okay and am able to relax sometimes in a controlled setting, which seems kinda positive.

I also compulsively overeat pretty bad which sucks balls (only within the past 2-3 years) and have a lot of trouble focusing on specific things.

In terms of the world around me - everything just feels grossly un-right, unreal, and changed in an uncomfortable way from usual. That is - if I actually focus on how things feel, which I normally don't since it seems pointless and makes it harder to get by day to day.
I feel like I no longer understand the world around me and my environment seems strange and un-relatable. Nothing makes sense! Nothing feels totally real! Nothing feels meaningful!

Do you get the nothing around you making sense? or just 'switching off' of emotions?

I'd give anything to make it end - just to feel right; to feel emotions; to remember things clearly; for the world to make sense in my brain; to feel connected again- to both myself and my environment; for things to feel important, meaningful...real...again.

Do you feel like you are constantly ruminating in a circular, philosophical/existential or nihilistic way? I seem to keep asking myself - "what am I? is there really a 'me'?" "if so, then what is 'me'?" "how can I know what is me and what is conditioning from other people - other people's opinions about life, the world, and who and what I am" "or is that just what a personality is? conditioning?" "Is there really a chance that there is a 'real me'"? "and if I find it, how can I know if it's really 'me'" "what is 'I'?"

And also, have you had bad experiences smoking weed at all? because the first time I tried it....disastrous effects. And ones that seemed terribly different to other peoples experiences of it, and that I now suspect was some kind of full-blown dissociation thing...like time went incredibly slowly and I would almost 'wake up' at certain points and not be able to remember the last five minutes at all, and everything felt crazy and out-of-control. But maybe that was just a drug thing.

I'm sorry to answer your query with just a summary of my own ****. But hopefully (or maybe not hopefully!) you will be able to relate. I know it was helpful for me to read what you had to say about your experiences - I felt like..not so alone. Knowing there was somebody who experienced at least some of the same things as me.

wow..long post. Sorry about that! hope you can speed read!

I sort of get what you're saying, but mine isn't as frequent as yours. I only experience mine maybe once a month (and likely it's part of my bipolar stuff).

I would suggest talking to a psychiatrist/psychologist about how you feel. You may not feel scared/worried or whatever, but if it is impacting your relationships then it's definitely a concern

Thanks for reading my reply. Yeah, your's sounds more intense though much less frequent.

Logically I do know that it's a big concern, I just don't feel the worry attached to that. I'm seeing a psychiatrist, and I think it would be a very good idea to mention it. He's been going through things very very slowly, and focusing on other issues (which, as they begin to get resolved, has actually lessened the affect of this feeling ) but I think it's about time I brought it up directly since it's affecting me so hugely and persistently

I Hope everything gets progressively better for you, and life and stuff easier to handle

Thanks for reading my message Yeah, I think what you experience is more intense, but much less frequent.

And I know logically that this problem is a big concern and really important to me, but I just don't feel the worry that should be attached to that. I am seeing a psychiatrist who is really good, so I think your right, I should mention this to him. He's been taking things really really slowly, and focusing on other issues (which has actually helped this problem as those issues begin to get resolved), but I think it's time I brought it up directly.

If you don't have one I hope you find a psychologist or psychiatrist who seems like a Godsend and can help you with this dissociation.
So yeah, I hope things get increasingly easier for you to cope with from now on. Wishing you a good life

I agree, there's almost always a reason for it somewhere. But it may not be something that can be avoided, so sometimes we have to learn to manage through certain situations. Different things will trigger my dissociation. And I experience it at a pretty wide range - from an "outside of my body", floaty feeling to full blown sensory deprivation where all I experience are my thoughts.

In your case, it sounds like you've had a few "bad" episodes that could help you pinpoint your triggers, along with the milder, yet more persistent, everyday type of detachment. The milder feelings (and despite it being more of a "lack of feeling", dissociation itself is somewhat of a sensation on its own, in my opinion and experience) - the milder feelings could be a result of a general feeling of anxiety. I also experience it as part of my bipolar at times, especially when I'm in the middle of switching between depression and mania - my brain sort of goes into a "neutral" phase for a brief time before the switch.

As far as your major dissociative episodes, it could be something as innocuous as a smell, or a particular song you might not be aware of in the background, or perhaps a particular room...where did the sexual assault take place? You said you were at a bar - was it in the bathroom by any chance? That could have been the trigger while you were cleaning the tub. Or were you maybe wearing a particular perfume that day and happened to be putting it on when you were getting ready for work? I don't think you need to shun all makeup per se, but do a little backtracking and see if you can find a common piece in all the situations.

For me, sometimes it's something as ubiquitous as fluorescent lighting. Just getting through the grocery store can be a challenge. But I can't avoid the grocery store, so I have to find a way to manage it and cope with the triggering situations.

Definitely bring it up with your pdoc. It might be a good idea to seek out a therapist as well - one who can help you work through the trauma of the assault.

Prettybear, where were you planning to go after you put on the make-up? For me, dissociation can triggered either by thinking about something that I'm going to do or something that already happened to me.

Once I dissociated while doing laundry. Sounds innocuous, right? But I'd spent the previous few hours getting more and more upset about a situation with my parents until I got to the point where unwanted memories were surfacing and my heart rate was through the roof. Then I just shut down.

Another time, I dissociated on my way to visiting an ill person who had been involved with a childhood trauma of mine. I wasn't consciously thinking about the trauma, but I shut down anyway and didn't figure out why it happened until later.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You too, foggyteddy. I keep trying to remind myself that it's a defence mechanism, that dissociation is protecting me from what I could be feeling. But it still sucks.

I'm BPD and only found out last year I was dissociating. It happened in my T's office when I thought he was angry with me (I found out later he wasn't). I ended up in the hospital after that. I just noticed this week that I also do what you do. A strong emotion comes on, I zone out for a few seconds, wake up with the bad emotion gone and I go about my day as if nothing is wrong. I realize now I've been doing this for as long as I can remember, but only caught it last week. I can't control it though, I suppose because it's such a reflex action. This doesn't happen for no reason though. It happens when we can't tolerate the strong emotions coming up. Sometimes the emotions are sub or unconscious which would explain why it happened when you were doing something mundane like putting on makeup. It's a very cool way we learned as kids how to protect ourselves when no else would.