[ladytiger]

Hi, I don't think I have posted in here. I was doing a quick read on dissociative disorder and my ex-therapist said I was dissociating myself from people as that's because my parents had me sheltered all my life not wanting me to have friends, boyfriend (have one), or a job. I still live at home, have a job almost been there for 3 months and don't make enough to leave.

I am an adult. I was reading in the article that it comes from such severe abuse and for me, it's been mostly severe emotional abuse with lots of superb lying, manipulation, etc and my mom told me she wish she'd smothered me as a baby and kill me that's when everything disconnected in the back of my head. I could feel it, had a nervous break down between 12-13 years old. I was also reading it says you have memory issues not being able to recall a lot of things or certain situations, I noticed that about myself too. I used to have a great memory when I was a kid and after hearing that, I have a really hard trying to do some memory games and some I can really do. I can't recall a lot of information when I am reading only a small percentage of it which is why i was never good in academics.

I don't feel like I know anything about myself and have no sense of identity always been patterning myself of other people since my brother is so great according to my mom always put him on a pedestal because he is smarter, had good grades in school (before I was born), etc as us daughters were nothing but *****s, gonna have a bad life, etc. When I was a kid, I was so outgoing had all the friends and had no problems making friends. Now, it's hard as I have racing thoughts and a girl I met made friends with me. I find it hard to have a conversation as my communication skills are still improving. However, my communication skills still have issues with speech (words jumbled all over the place), confidence, eye contact, knowing when someone needs my attention or not being attentive enough (never was attentive to my parents all they did was curse/threaten), poor listening, quiet voice sounding like a kid, instead of a vocal voice and not be monotone, etc. I have been putting myself out there and can't seem to get connected to people that I like.

What is my identity? I really don't know. I do know my real self is being outgoing and making friends easily that was always me. People have told me to settle for being introverted, what?!? First off, I only became an introvert because of the sheltering at home (lucky I can go somewhere today) it wasn't based on choice nor was it based on inheriting from a parent. I am not gonna settle for "oh, woe is me. I am gonna stay/settle for introvert and blah blah," not gonna cut it. I believe my identity is when I was with my sister growing up hanging out and she is in another country now, brother is in CO. Why do I have to settle for introvert or anything else because other introverts are content with who they are? Why accept something that was never true about yourself just because you were forced to be in that role?

I have been putting myself out there can't seem to make comeback jokes with people and be the likable one at the party. Growing up, never had a real identity and my being or whatever was always separated from me away from my body. It was taken away from me as I said by my parents, we weren't allowed to have feelings or have an identity because "children don't have identities as they are property." I didn't grow up with the children are seen and not heard, may be my siblings did in the 70s I am not sure. I take that back, growing up in the 90s, with not being allowed to be human; yea, I did grow up with children are seen and not heard. I also have some symptoms of PTSD and have such anger outburst coming from my parents.

I ask myself am I ever gonna be normal? It has affected me from getting jobs in the past and at work going to the break room, I seem to dissociate myself from people (based on can i trust this person) and feel like I have nothing to offer in conversations. I told my ex-therapist the crap my parents say is what I use as a defense because "that's the only identity I have as I don't have anything else worthwhile." I never knew what constitutes someone having an identity not many people feel I can go above and beyond they equate me like my parents and sneer in my face.

I have no intentions of going back to therapy as I had enough arguing with those lousy mental health professionals. Ex-therapist said I had a lot of deep rooted issues (nah, really?) that needed to be brought onto the surface and a lot of it was painful to mention. A lot of things she didn't know either don't have the life experience (really gotta wonder) or she thinks life is perfect (that's what came across to me).

People say I am too quiet and not vocal enough. I agree I don't like being quiet unless I am suffering from something and need the quiet. I read on the site that it talks about unexplained headaches, yep, get those a lot and at times unexplained pain. It comes from the back of my head wonder if that's the sever in the back I still feel. Anyway, does anybody have any suggestions or tips? It makes it hard when you are not communicating and associating yourself on the job or in your personal life, etc.

[Claritytoo]

It seems that you have gone through a lot. I think it would be worth your while to try another therapist. I went through three therapist before I found the one who I thought could help me. She is not DID and she is younger than me. She doesn't always know what I am talking about but that is because she is learning about me at the same time I am learning about me. I still always want to leave therapy but there are some who know it is good for us and that we are better for it. I hope you try another therapist. Take care.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by ladytiger

Hi, I don't think I have posted in here. I was doing a quick read on dissociative disorder and my ex-therapist said I was dissociating myself from people as that's because my parents had me sheltered all my life not wanting me to have friends, boyfriend (have one), or a job. I still live at home, have a job almost been there for 3 months and don't make enough to leave.

I am an adult. I was reading in the article that it comes from such severe abuse and for me, it's been mostly severe emotional abuse with lots of superb lying, manipulation, etc and my mom told me she wish she'd smothered me as a baby and kill me that's when everything disconnected in the back of my head. I could feel it, had a nervous break down between 12-13 years old. I was also reading it says you have memory issues not being able to recall a lot of things or certain situations, I noticed that about myself too. I used to have a great memory when I was a kid and after hearing that, I have a really hard trying to do some memory games and some I can really do. I can't recall a lot of information when I am reading only a small percentage of it which is why i was never good in academics.

I don't feel like I know anything about myself and have no sense of identity always been patterning myself of other people since my brother is so great according to my mom always put him on a pedestal because he is smarter, had good grades in school (before I was born), etc as us daughters were nothing but *****s, gonna have a bad life, etc. When I was a kid, I was so outgoing had all the friends and had no problems making friends. Now, it's hard as I have racing thoughts and a girl I met made friends with me. I find it hard to have a conversation as my communication skills are still improving. However, my communication skills still have issues with speech (words jumbled all over the place), confidence, eye contact, knowing when someone needs my attention or not being attentive enough (never was attentive to my parents all they did was curse/threaten), poor listening, quiet voice sounding like a kid, instead of a vocal voice and not be monotone, etc. I have been putting myself out there and can't seem to get connected to people that I like.

What is my identity? I really don't know. I do know my real self is being outgoing and making friends easily that was always me. People have told me to settle for being introverted, what?!? First off, I only became an introvert because of the sheltering at home (lucky I can go somewhere today) it wasn't based on choice nor was it based on inheriting from a parent. I am not gonna settle for "oh, woe is me. I am gonna stay/settle for introvert and blah blah," not gonna cut it. I believe my identity is when I was with my sister growing up hanging out and she is in another country now, brother is in CO. Why do I have to settle for introvert or anything else because other introverts are content with who they are? Why accept something that was never true about yourself just because you were forced to be in that role?

I have been putting myself out there can't seem to make comeback jokes with people and be the likable one at the party. Growing up, never had a real identity and my being or whatever was always separated from me away from my body. It was taken away from me as I said by my parents, we weren't allowed to have feelings or have an identity because "children don't have identities as they are property." I didn't grow up with the children are seen and not heard, may be my siblings did in the 70s I am not sure. I take that back, growing up in the 90s, with not being allowed to be human; yea, I did grow up with children are seen and not heard. I also have some symptoms of PTSD and have such anger outburst coming from my parents.

I ask myself am I ever gonna be normal? It has affected me from getting jobs in the past and at work going to the break room, I seem to dissociate myself from people (based on can i trust this person) and feel like I have nothing to offer in conversations. I told my ex-therapist the crap my parents say is what I use as a defense because "that's the only identity I have as I don't have anything else worthwhile." I never knew what constitutes someone having an identity not many people feel I can go above and beyond they equate me like my parents and sneer in my face.

I have no intentions of going back to therapy as I had enough arguing with those lousy mental health professionals. Ex-therapist said I had a lot of deep rooted issues (nah, really?) that needed to be brought onto the surface and a lot of it was painful to mention. A lot of things she didn't know either don't have the life experience (really gotta wonder) or she thinks life is perfect (that's what came across to me).

People say I am too quiet and not vocal enough. I agree I don't like being quiet unless I am suffering from something and need the quiet. I read on the site that it talks about unexplained headaches, yep, get those a lot and at times unexplained pain. It comes from the back of my head wonder if that's the sever in the back I still feel. Anyway, does anybody have any suggestions or tips? It makes it hard when you are not communicating and associating yourself on the job or in your personal life, etc.

Suggestions...yes maybe learning more about your self will help ....

a persons Identity is made up of how they think of their self, what things they like and dont like, things they do, say....

example my identity is...
I am a woman (my gender)
I am a mother. (I have two children)
I am a lesbian (my sexual orientation)
I am a wife (I am married to a wonderful woman)
I am a college graduate (I completed college classes that once completed added up to college degrees)
I am a college student (my wife and I enjoy college classes for educational and social activities together)
I am a therapist (my career/job)
I am native american (my culture)
I am a painter (I do oil painting for leisure and stress relief)
I am a humorous person (enjoy a good joke, love telling jokes, and believe in laughter really helps a person handle the hard times)....

maybe if you sit down and write out things using the starting words ....I am...can give you a starting point in knowing yourself and what your identity is.

as for what you call dissociate... Im wondering if you mean the term disassociate...

here in NY we have two different terms....

disassociate is where a person purposely disengages their self, purposely does not participate, purposely keeps their self away from people and things that make them uncomfortable....

examples...
Yesterday I stayed home rather than go out to dinner with a friend after work. I just wasnt in the mood for socializing yesterday.

last summer my job had a company picnic. I disassociated myself from that by not attending the picnic.

Dissociation on the other hand is a normal reaction to something triggering.....in other words something happens and the body reacts by making a person feel numb, spaced out, foggy minded, not quite connected to reality.

examples this morning I heard a loud backfire from a truck, it reminded me of a traumatic event. the backfire noise caused my body to react by numbing, made me feel spaced out, like things around me were not real, that I was not in my body because I could not feel the sensation of my limbs.

the good news is that both of these situations are fixable...

if you are talking about disassociation ....(preventing yourself from doing things, preventing yourself from enter acting with life....) the fix is finding something you enjoy doing...maybe its a physical activity, maybe its reading a book, maybe its meeting up with friends.... what ever you like to do, then go out and do that one step at a time, take your time to learn and have hobbies.. look for other people who do the same hobby that you enjoy...I have found college is a great place to meet new people with a diverse range of interests and theres always someone around who enjoy doing the same things I do, even if that day its just sitting somewhere quietly together enjoying being out in nature.

If you are talking about dissociation (something triggering you into feeling numb spaced out, foggy minded...) again this is fixable. its called learning how to calm yourself, reground yourself. for me what works is getting out in nature, rowing my canoe around the lake, focusing on my environment...

the headaches...well headaches are the body's way of saying somethings not right.. it can happen if someone doesnt get enough sleep, or is eating incorrectly for their bodies, stress.......gosh there are so many different reasons why a person can get a headache, headaches are not something that is required for having dissociation problems. if you google the word headache you will see there are literally thousands and millions of normal, physical and mental reasons for a headache. which is why headaches are not considered in diagnosing dissociative disorders.

the same with memory problems there are literally millions and trillions of reasons why a person has memory problems. some are normal some are physical and some are mental. the type of memory problems that come with dissociative disorders are a very special kind that goes beyond the normal forms.

If you think you have a dissociative (feeling numb, spaced out, foggy minded, disconnected from your body, ...and other dissociative type symptoms) you will need to contact a psychiatrist in your location, they can help you get the correct testing procedures that can tell you what your dissociative disorder is, how severe and what the treatment is best for you. I know that you said you dont want to go back to therapy, Im sorry but thats the only way you will know for sure.

[artyaspie]

[quote]I am an adult. I was reading in the article that it comes from such severe abuse and for me, it's been mostly severe emotional abuse with lots of superb lying, manipulation, etc and my mom told me she wish she'd smothered me as a baby and kill me that's when everything disconnected in the back of my head. I could feel it, had a nervous break down between 12-13 years old. [quote]

My mother used to tell me how many times she tried to kill me, even before I was born, so know where you are coming from! Don't give up on therapy, it took me a few tries to find the right one, too - it is more about finding someone you can really talk to and trust than anything, for example whenever I used the word 'normal' mine would say with a quirky twitch of the eyebrow 'what's normal?' I owe her a lot. take care.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by amandalouise

Suggestions...yes maybe learning more about your self will help ....

a persons Identity is made up of how they think of their self, what things they like and dont like, things they do, say....

example my identity is...
I am a woman (my gender)
I am a mother. (I have two children)
I am a lesbian (my sexual orientation)
I am a wife (I am married to a wonderful woman)
I am a college graduate (I completed college classes that once completed added up to college degrees)
I am a college student (my wife and I enjoy college classes for educational and social activities together)
I am a therapist (my career/job)
I am native american (my culture)
I am a painter (I do oil painting for leisure and stress relief)
I am a humorous person (enjoy a good joke, love telling jokes, and believe in laughter really helps a person handle the hard times)....

maybe if you sit down and write out things using the starting words ....I am...can give you a starting point in knowing yourself and what your identity is.

as for what you call dissociate... Im wondering if you mean the term disassociate...

here in NY we have two different terms....

disassociate is where a person purposely disengages their self, purposely does not participate, purposely keeps their self away from people and things that make them uncomfortable....

examples...
Yesterday I stayed home rather than go out to dinner with a friend after work. I just wasnt in the mood for socializing yesterday.

last summer my job had a company picnic. I disassociated myself from that by not attending the picnic.

Dissociation on the other hand is a normal reaction to something triggering.....in other words something happens and the body reacts by making a person feel numb, spaced out, foggy minded, not quite connected to reality.

examples this morning I heard a loud backfire from a truck, it reminded me of a traumatic event. the backfire noise caused my body to react by numbing, made me feel spaced out, like things around me were not real, that I was not in my body because I could not feel the sensation of my limbs.

the good news is that both of these situations are fixable...

if you are talking about disassociation ....(preventing yourself from doing things, preventing yourself from enter acting with life....) the fix is finding something you enjoy doing...maybe its a physical activity, maybe its reading a book, maybe its meeting up with friends.... what ever you like to do, then go out and do that one step at a time, take your time to learn and have hobbies.. look for other people who do the same hobby that you enjoy...I have found college is a great place to meet new people with a diverse range of interests and theres always someone around who enjoy doing the same things I do, even if that day its just sitting somewhere quietly together enjoying being out in nature.

If you are talking about dissociation (something triggering you into feeling numb spaced out, foggy minded...) again this is fixable. its called learning how to calm yourself, reground yourself. for me what works is getting out in nature, rowing my canoe around the lake, focusing on my environment...

the headaches...well headaches are the body's way of saying somethings not right.. it can happen if someone doesnt get enough sleep, or is eating incorrectly for their bodies, stress.......gosh there are so many different reasons why a person can get a headache, headaches are not something that is required for having dissociation problems. if you google the word headache you will see there are literally thousands and millions of normal, physical and mental reasons for a headache. which is why headaches are not considered in diagnosing dissociative disorders.

the same with memory problems there are literally millions and trillions of reasons why a person has memory problems. some are normal some are physical and some are mental. the type of memory problems that come with dissociative disorders are a very special kind that goes beyond the normal forms.

If you think you have a dissociative (feeling numb, spaced out, foggy minded, disconnected from your body, ...and other dissociative type symptoms) you will need to contact a psychiatrist in your location, they can help you get the correct testing procedures that can tell you what your dissociative disorder is, how severe and what the treatment is best for you. I know that you said you dont want to go back to therapy, Im sorry but thats the only way you will know for sure.

A few months ago or so, my boyfriend and I spoke about identity. I told him you have an identity whereas I don't. I told him 'an identity is someone who has a lot going on for them, great career (I love my new job wish it had more hours), lots of hobbies, good friends (made one friend), they have a great family (that will never be me), is very smart/highly intelligent, can do a lot for themselves (independence not even there yet for me), etc.'

I told him and ex-therapist 'The stuff I say about why I can't do this or that is because that is the only "identity" I have since nothing was ever developed as a kid growing up. So, I just use what I know and use it to my advantage which a lot of people became irate when I said that. A person has active, loving role models in their lives and it helps that person forms their identity.' My siblings and I grew up being put into a mini adult role when we were children (even though they are 18 and 14 yrs older than me) and for me, I never lived my life as a child since I was put into a situation of being a mini adult always have to fight back against my parents' rants of their rage and my speech was never of a child always a grown adult. My friends back then always said 'you sound like a grown adult never a kid like us' which is why I felt like an outcast to other children because I had a lot of "adult-like experience" that no average child ever has.

I have done stuff where I wanted to go somewhere and dissociate myself because of fear and can't seem to go somewhere without my parents asking a lot of FBI interrogation questions and then it turns out into a verbal fight then I either end up not going or going being pissed off the entire day. Being sheltered forces me to not go anywhere and end up being miserable. I am really the type of person who loves to go out and see the new things out there that was identity back then. I can't seem to do that now because I feel I gotta report what I am doing on my own times to my lousy parents because they say I don't need friends or a social life that's being a ***** according to my mom. My idiot mom said a woman needs to be home I said a woman can do what she wants, we are not living in the stone ages. She is still stuck in Jim Crow and is 67 years old, calling white people crackers yet loves everybody and talks crap about anybody and anyone!! My parents never allowed to be myself letting me explore different things and when I wanted to it was shot down saying it's for white people, it's stupid, that I couldn't stay focus on one task and I was always jumping to a billion other tasks I wanted to do and that's true I still do that. I also disassociated myself from getting jobs because of fear, told the wrong things about jobs and people, etc. I have a job now and my parents don't know and if they did, they would make nasty/negative remarks about it.

My mind does escape and people have told me how I am not all there and it's scary it happens when I am driving. Last Sunday, I ran through a stop sign in a neighborhood by accident and there was no police, one car was waiting for me to stop and I never did just went through the stop sign. It was by accident, but there were no other cars sitting there waiting. This is why teachers felt I had/have ADD/ADHD yet my lousy ex-therapist said I don't (never tested me) because what I was doing was daydreaming to tune my parents out of their rage towards me doesn't mean I have ADD/ADHD. Teachers have always said I disassociate myself from studying and I couldn't study when I was in school because it was so hostile at home, studying at a library didn't help I was always distracted by every sound (you think a library would be helpful), etc. I have always pattern myself of others because of no identity. My mom said I can't seem to be like my ex-friend Sheena and my brother because they had good grades in school whereas I am a failure and can't amount to anything. Us daughters were always treated as *****s and can't seem to keep up with our brother yet he had a lot of mistreatment too.

Headaches/unexplained pain comes from years of being emotionally abused and being under such high levels of stress which the idiot doctors didn't seem to understand! Which is why my memory is so spotty and can still the sever in the back of my head when trying to remember things. I am almost 30 and I wanna do the things that I never had the chance to do when I was in college the stuff that college kids did. I don't want kids, not interested in buying a home one day (looking to find a place once I get enough money), the whole American Dream bull crap isn't for me, not interested in settling down. Too many people in the 20s have kids and that isn't me!