[LoveAll7]

My friend has alters. We weren't in a relationship but had been pursuing each other all our lives since school. We drifted apart around 5 years ago. This happened when, in an argument, I mentioned that he had told me about his alters and he didn't talk to me after that.

He had told me months ago, that "we" wouldn't work. But I kept going to see him and talk to him about why I couldn't do anything/respond/say anything that would make him believe that there was hope, (this is about the time when he was pursuing me.My actions probably spoke more. I didn't pursue any other man or let anyone else come close to me. I was also very shy and awkward. So, I thought, maybe he understands. And he did too. He pursued me after he'd changed schools... coz I was suffering from severe depression and PTSD because of childhood sexual abuse and I had noone to turn to for help) Back then, this is 2 years before I started therapy, I thought I was trying to make him like me. But I really wasn't. I was still hurting myself, habitually. I went there and sabotaged any chance I had with him (told him whatever little things I had done that bordered on dangerous.. but I told him the truth. He asked me if I'd been with anyone else. But I hadn't. So, I told him that.The only thing I lied about was about lying. I told him I lied a lot.. but I didn't lie to him.) This was to make it easy for him to deal with disappointing me. This is also because he's very sensitive and he didn't like saying no to me. So, I decided to do whatever I could to make him believe that it was good for him to say no to me.
So, it probably just looked like me justifying my actions, but it was really sharing my life.

So when I was sharing details about my life, he told me it wouldn't change anything. He told me he thought I had lose ends to tie.. he asked me to get busy..

I really thought I was fine then and that I needed to help him. I had read a little bit about MPD on the internet and seen the wrong videos. I was worried and wanted to do something to help. But because I'd known him a long time, I knew I couldn't ask him to do anything that could imply that I wanted to change him. I know therapy doesn't mean you change.. I've been in therapy for 4 years.. It has made me more whole.

I don't want to change him, but I was aware that bringing up therapy would put him off.. So, I didn't.. but even just at the mention of alters, he got up and asked me to leave.

I think the moment was just so wrong. But I know that now. I didn't realize it then or in the past many years thanks to my suffering and coping

The moment when I was saying, well, you're not listening to me.. and I just said " remember you told me about alters" ...

How can I help him now? How can I suggest therapy. He is running away.. he is not doing the things he always wanted to do. He did well in acads always, went to good colleges but is working in a small city. to stay away from it all.
How can I help him? I am desparate.. Please help me.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by LoveAll7

My friend has alters. We weren't in a relationship but had been pursuing each other all our lives since school. We drifted apart around 5 years ago. This happened when, in an argument, I mentioned that he had told me about his alters and he didn't talk to me after that.

He had told me months ago, that "we" wouldn't work. But I kept going to see him and talk to him about why I couldn't do anything/respond/say anything that would make him believe that there was hope, (this is about the time when he was pursuing me.My actions probably spoke more. I didn't pursue any other man or let anyone else come close to me. I was also very shy and awkward. So, I thought, maybe he understands. And he did too. He pursued me after he'd changed schools... coz I was suffering from severe depression and PTSD because of childhood sexual abuse and I had noone to turn to for help) Back then, this is 2 years before I started therapy, I thought I was trying to make him like me. But I really wasn't. I was still hurting myself, habitually. I went there and sabotaged any chance I had with him (told him whatever little things I had done that bordered on dangerous.. but I told him the truth. He asked me if I'd been with anyone else. But I hadn't. So, I told him that.The only thing I lied about was about lying. I told him I lied a lot.. but I didn't lie to him.) This was to make it easy for him to deal with disappointing me. This is also because he's very sensitive and he didn't like saying no to me. So, I decided to do whatever I could to make him believe that it was good for him to say no to me.
So, it probably just looked like me justifying my actions, but it was really sharing my life.

So when I was sharing details about my life, he told me it wouldn't change anything. He told me he thought I had lose ends to tie.. he asked me to get busy..

I really thought I was fine then and that I needed to help him. I had read a little bit about MPD on the internet and seen the wrong videos. I was worried and wanted to do something to help. But because I'd known him a long time, I knew I couldn't ask him to do anything that could imply that I wanted to change him. I know therapy doesn't mean you change.. I've been in therapy for 4 years.. It has made me more whole.

I don't want to change him, but I was aware that bringing up therapy would put him off.. So, I didn't.. but even just at the mention of alters, he got up and asked me to leave.

I think the moment was just so wrong. But I know that now. I didn't realize it then or in the past many years thanks to my suffering and coping

The moment when I was saying, well, you're not listening to me.. and I just said " remember you told me about alters" ...

How can I help him now? How can I suggest therapy. He is running away.. he is not doing the things he always wanted to do. He did well in acads always, went to good colleges but is working in a small city. to stay away from it all.
How can I help him? I am desparate.. Please help me.

Im sorry but you cant help him now. according to this post and your post yesterday http://forums.psychcentral.com/partn...ml#post3831273 (which I also replied to) he has made it clear he doesnt want contact with you.

my suggestion is maybe you can get some therapy for yourself before worrying about trying to get him treatment. he is the only one that can decide for him whether he should get therapy or not for himself and his alters. obtaining therapy for you may help you to understand why he doesnt want contact with you and help you to find happiness without him until he chooses to come to you rather than you chasing after him when he doesnt want contact with you.

in my other reply I also suggested maybe you can research the laws in your location because if you were here in america what you are trying to do is grounds for getting arrested and prosecuted for stalking, harassment, and other things too.

you can not force someone to get treatment nor can you force someone to be in contact with you under the grounds of just wanting to get him treatment. thats not how getting someone treatment works.

here in the USA everyone has rights...rights to make their own mental and physical decisions including whether they want treatment and whether they want to be in contact with another.....

the only way someone who is not the person needing treatment can force another into treatment here in the USA is if they go to court and are awarded guardianship over them or if the person is a danger to their self or others, in which case they call the police and the police take that person who may be a danger to their self or others for an evaluation. that doesnt mean they will get treatment. it just means two psychiatrists make the decision of whether this person is a danger to their self or others.

people who ....already....have contact with their loved one can .....suggest...to that person they see someone for mental health care but that person does not.....have to....go and do that.

my suggestion is back off this guy before you end up causing him more mental harm or he takes steps to legally keep you away from him. if its meant to be he will come looking for you when he is ready for contact with you.

[gayleggg]

I agree with amandalouise, you can't force some to get treatment. Accept that he doesn't want your help and move on.

[LoveAll7]

Thanks. I don't think you understand this at all. You've simply assumed that I want a relationship with him at any cost. That I would risk causing him more harm to do that. That couldn't be farther from the truth.

My post is not very well written. I was in a hurry.. plus I was writing too many details. I described the day and what was said to understand if it could be a switch. That could have caused him to over react, flee, have memory loss etc.
The second paragraph is in continuation from the first. I read it and realized how wrong it sounds.. I kept going to him not when he didn't want me to or asked me not to. I used to meet him to first talk, communicate,, after years of silence from both our ends. Each time he came to meet me, he gave me all his time. He guided me every time I wanted advice. He told me many things weren't my fault. It isn't easy to say sorry for something you did that wasn't in your control. But I had to because he was hurt by it.
So, that's not stalking. Please calm down. I did use the word "stalk" in my last post, but I explained why. I got his number, not through his friends, but from his profile. I used to berate myself all the time, but that was my sickness.. some things don't go away easy..i happened to write it again even though I shouldn't carry guilt for it. And you gave it glory, but telling me about the law. Thanks.

Anyway, my post doesn't indicate that I want to get back in contact against his wishes and make him get therapy and get better for me.

Thank you for getting personal and for suggesting therapy to someone who's already in therapy. Also, for presuming that I haven't found any happiness away from him. On a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the kindest, that was probably 100000.
I decided to do this now, so many years later, because I was working on feeling better. It took me 3 years. I still go to my therapist once a month, but I don't depend on it.
Also, thanks for mentioning I could be arrested in the US, wonderful! really, how do you take time to do this. I am not a criminal, trying to have my way with him.

I am not trying to get back into his life, by being the one to suggest therapy. My purpose of sharing details on a public forum like this, was
1. to get insight on the problem..
Nothing in your post tells me more about DID or alters.

2. There is a lot of stigma around any mental disorders in India, probably worse than it is in the US. With men, it's just considered weakness.

3. To hopefully get an answer from someone who has alters and understands that not giving up is important. Every time I got back in touch, he was happy I came back. He was happy I remembered so much. He was unsure of the future and too careful..so was I. It took both of us time to open up. But we opened up about our lives and told each other about the most important people and things in our lives.

3. Also, I concluded that he's blocked me coz I don't see him on gtalk... that's a sense I have carried.. we drifted apart. When he spoke to me a month ago, he didn't say I'm done.. or i'm sorry or don't call me.. or anything like that. He replied to my texts a month ago. I just don't see him on gtalk. I told myself that because I realized years ago I needed to look after myself. Be happy first before I think of anyone else. I did that. I am not delusional or stubborn to the point that I will not take "No" for an answer. I have wasted enough time suffering. But I will not give up on him because he has a problem and we lost our way to each other.

I haven't mentioned but I got emails and texts from ids with his nicknames about getting back in touch. Texts similar to those I sent to him, when I was lost and didn't know how to get back in touch.. just sth saying "lets catch up for lunch" " will I see you today?" Only now, I understand that it could be his alters.

You are making me regret replying to you. I don't mean to indicate that you're a mean person in any way. I just want to understand what DID can be like.. and if I can reach out to him without offending him and/or be ready for when he's back. For people in relationships/friends/family of anyone with alters, it is difficult and it takes a lot. I want to be prepared.

[Restin]

Yes, therapy for Dissociative Identity disorder is very important. But be sure to interview the T first, on the phone or email, to see what he/she believes about it. Not all therapists believe DID exists. But the worst kind of T is the one who believes you believe, but T doesn't believe in altars anyway. But a therapist trained in DID can make a huge difference in getting you co-conscious and alters working together inside instead of fighting.

[LoveAll7]

Thank you Restin. I think my T also doesn't believe DID exists. She has helped me feel a lot better and achieve so much more than I thought was possible for me. I feel really grateful, but she doesn't give me information on DID. I've asked her many times.

Anyway, I understand that I can't suggest therapy to my friend as of now. I am not someone he trusts enough.

But I will find a T who understands DID, because I'm sure there are very few in India. I will learn about DID from the therapist and whenever my friend wants to get therapy, the T can be approached.

[Ocean5]

LoveAll7 I think that's a good idea. I've also been on your end - wanting someone to get help. It's a hard and painful place to be. Just try to stay strong and take care of yourself.

[LoveAll7]

Thank you Ocean5. You're kind.
I am taking care of myself and doing a lot of things that I love doing. But, it is difficult.. Feeling pain and not numbing myself is not a very familiar place for me.But, I try. It's difficult but I feel more real.

I hope it worked out and your friend/person is feeling better. If it hasn't, I hope it soon does.