[Claritytoo]

For over 20 years I have been fighting the battle of not wanting to go outside around people. For a time I was agoraphobic and could only drive to the county line and no further. That lasted for over a year and I gradually pushed myself through it. I didn't now know about my DID and I would not go to a therapist for help. I just kept reminding myself that I was not going to die through the entire ride over the county line. I managed to over come the behavior but it took over a year. For the last ten or so years I have been fighting to leave the house. When I was working full time I was overwhelmed with panic at times. I found ways during the day at work trying to not have to interact with anyone. I would hide in the bathroom when it became too much. I got laid off and retired early. It was a good thing because I was emotionally overwhelmed every time I had to go to work. I started calling in sick and taking personal days when it became too much. I have been employed on and off sense my layoff/retirement. I have a job that I work at three days a week. But I am having great difficulty getting out the door. I take medication but still my anxiety is overwhelming. I keep wanting to disappear, live in my car, and hide from the world. This thought is stronger than ever. If it wasn't for my dogs I think I would have done it already. I am exhausted by this constant battle within myself. I just don't want to be near people. I have talked to my t about these feelings. I don't know what was said. I just want to hide from the world.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Claritytoo

For over 20 years I have been fighting the battle of not wanting to go outside around people. For a time I was agoraphobic and could only drive to the county line and no further. That lasted for over a year and I gradually pushed myself through it. I didn't now know about my DID and I would not go to a therapist for help. I just kept reminding myself that I was not going to die through the entire ride over the county line. I managed to over come the behavior but it took over a year. For the last ten or so years I have been fighting to leave the house. When I was working full time I was overwhelmed with panic at times. I found ways during the day at work trying to not have to interact with anyone. I would hide in the bathroom when it became too much. I got laid off and retired early. It was a good thing because I was emotionally overwhelmed every time I had to go to work. I started calling in sick and taking personal days when it became too much. I have been employed on and off sense my layoff/retirement. I have a job that I work at three days a week. But I am having great difficulty getting out the door. I take medication but still my anxiety is overwhelming. I keep wanting to disappear, live in my car, and hide from the world. This thought is stronger than ever. If it wasn't for my dogs I think I would have done it already. I am exhausted by this constant battle within myself. I just don't want to be near people. I have talked to my t about these feelings. I don't know what was said. I just want to hide from the world.

not sure what you need since I dont find a question in your post, so Im assuming you just needed to vent or some information....

here in NY making a conscious choice or conscious will /conscioous feeling to want to hide/disappear is not called dissociation. here where I live and work, what you posted would be called having a panic attack, an anxiety attack.

there are some really good ways/tools out there that helps people with DID that have panic/anxiety attacks.

examples ...

for some people over the counter antihistamines help control their anxiety
for some people antidepressants help to control their anxiety
for some people anti psychotics help to control their anxiety
for some people dietary changes help to control their anxiety
for some people yoga /meditation/grounding/mindfullness helps to control their anxiety.

maybe you can contact a medical or mental health treatment provider in your location. they can help you find the best way for you and your system to control these anxiety/panic attacks maybe even adjust your meds for you.

[kaliope]

i am sorry you are having such difficulty. fortunately i am not there yet, but i do understand where you are coming from. work is still a safe place for me. work and home. with a couple weeks notice i can go to the grocery store. but that is all i do. i am afraid to go out and get my mail or take out my trash because someone may be out there and i might have to say hi to them. it terrifies me. sometimes it takes me hours to get out the door to get to the store. i swear i feel like if i open the door i will dissolve into ash. i even mail my rent check to the landlady even though her apt is three doors down to drop it off. this started nearly ten years ago and has been getting progressively worse. i have no idea why. i just found out i was DID this year. t would like me to go out and do things but she doesnt push it thank god. i have had panic attacks in her office just because she has said "outside" over and over again and i couldnt handle that. the only time i am safe outside is when i am in my car. so know you are not alone.