It's been awhile since I have posted.......(Triggering)

It's been awhile since I have posted as I am afraid to open up. It's not that I don't want to trust, I just don't know that I really know how. Today has been long and I find myself feeling overwhelmed. I went to see my therapist the other evening and had a very rough session. I keep hearing this crying and a screaming from somewhere deep within but I can't find where. I have asked others inside but to no avail. I wrote before going trying to make sense of it all, but the paper looked so big and blank that it took my breath away. I asked myself what shall it say? But I knew no answers until I just wrote. There's no silence inside. Cries from deep within and screams from the screamer. Gut wrenching screams from a place that I cannot go. Cold inside and out. Can't warm up. Chill echoing through the mind of one, one crying. No age-no name, just one. The screamer scares the one without warning. She comes, she goes but not without reason. Others may not know but she knows, but with no words how does one tell? With no emotions how does one show? Just screams from the screamer and cries from the nameless one. You may be wondering why, but answers I cannot give, but it's there and I cannot get away. One says it will be okay but will it? Those on the other side of the mind would be able to answer that way but I cannot. Where do words come from? I cannot hear between screams. The inside world scares me but so does the outside world. I fight to stay in touch with the outside world but is that the real world? At times it is safer inside than out here in this world everyone is in. But sometimes it's not. To stay out of my mind at times is impossible-to stay connected is not possible. At times sanity and insanity is so close-the pull is inseperable. Sometimes it is much stronger than I am. I hear their every thought, their every hurt, their every fear. I see what their eyes see and I feel what their hearts feel. And though they are me-they are separate. At times so separate that it is like they are their own person telling me what happened and me trying to accept each experience as my own tearing another piece of my heart away. Sometimes it feels safe to be locked in the mind where no one can hurt me. My mind is where I lived for so long. It was the only place that safety dwelt. It gave me a right to live. And even now, sometimes living inside keeps me going, keeps me safe. Sometimes it gives me a reason to keep going. In my mind is where I began to live. I couldn't live outside there was no safety, no where to be. Me didn't exist back then and me is trying to figure out who I am. I'm not convinced it's safe out here yet. Is there anyone who can understand? Is there anyone who can hear me? I wonder if there's anyone who feels what I feel or something similar? I feel alone out here and scared. Scared that I am losing my mind from outside in. I feel this world is too big-for little ones that have never lived before and this adult who does not know how to live. Please forgive me that this is so long. I so much want to be able to tell my story but I am so afraid. So afraid of rejection and that no one cares. I am afraid to start so I tell bits of what is going on inside, hoping someone will hear. I get afraid to post so I come here day after day and read. I know there is support here, I can read that but that does not lift the fear. Please forgive me for not trusting better and for not posting more. I know the more you post, the more people will come to know you. But I don't want to push away what little I feel here. Thanks for listening.

((((safe hug)))) Good to see you back. I think you did a splendid job of opening up to us here. I hope you continue to feel safe here. You are not alone, and I'm sure others will post to tell you this. TC

Thanks Sky. I really needed to know someone was out there tonight. I really am trying to open up here and feel safe. I know I don't post much but I do come here all the time to feel the safety. Thank you for the welcome back. I will try to post more next time but for now, I need to just be still as it was really hard to write. But I really thank you for the support.