[kaliope]

so i am new to DID diagnosis and still have difficulties accepting it. we experience coconsciousness so most of the time i know what is going on. t wants to really start working with them. but the more we work, the more they seem to be doing things on their own. it is like i am not longer manning the gate. i come home and find a drawer to a desk open that i never use, a contact lens sitting in the middle of my bathroom floor when i haven't used them in years, an alter coming out in a meeting because she is fascinated with the dramatics of a person speaking. i am used to them talking in my head but i never had experienced one taking over my body before. then i had a meltdown the other day and it happened again where my suicidal alter fought me for control. it made me so sick. but then i question it because when t talks to them, she will ask questions and sometimes there are no responses there so i feel like i am faking the whole thing. i get edgy when she wants to talk to them because 1) she will discover i am making it up 2)talking to them will give them more power to over ride my life and that scares me.

[Kiya]

I have found over the years that "getting better" with DID looks like getting worse. It's stirring up the mud on the bottom of a clear river. There had been a time I was working with one therapist that felt like she was making me switch on purpose and it would take me a long time to 'get it together' before returning to work. I quit. Maybe she wasn't the right T. (well, I know she wasn't - long story), but also, maybe I wasn't ready to go down those paths, you know?
This could be a sign of either for you. Maybe it isn't the right time, and you need to slow down.
Or maybe the mud's going to get stirred up because it just can't stay still any more.
You're sure not alone. I know a lot of us here understand. And lately, my other adult alter has been trying to take over my position as front self.... so i've been fighting with her, too.
Courage!

[flockpride]

Getting worse before it gets better rings true with my experience. A therapist can definitely stir things up on the inside. For me, the first part of feeling worse/getting better was just finally being honest about how bad things had been for a very long time. Denial started to fall away and that looked and felt like things getting much worse. I am early in the process and trying to be okay with time between my two appointments per week. Sometimes, so much happens between appointments, it feels like months. And then there is the dilemma of what to report and what not to report. Ugh. Creating continuity in "normal" life is hard enough. With so many internal actors, I lean on the T to create continuity from session to session.

[Kiya]

Wow, yeah - so much time between twice weekly sessions! It does seem like months. I totally relate. I am in a position where I've been in twice weekly for 2 years or maybe even as long as 7 - I honestly can't remember any more - maybe Einstein was DD... Time really is relative! But when T got sick and quit back in March, I've drifted from T to T, sometimes with no therapy, some with twice a week or once... now to outpatient (3 full days a week) and then I exit on the 12th and start regular once a week therapy on the 17th. That will be a bit of a shock. 0_o

[Fuzzybear]